CAPALERT!

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Posted November 20, 2007 in Arts & Culture

Since so many Christians get up in arms when we point out the extreme elements of their clan (as opposed actually trying to reign in said elements) we will now refer to these nutjobs specifically as Militant Evangelicals, or MEs. Happy?

That said, the MEs’ unceasing tentacles of puritanical oppression—set on creating the new hybrid government of State Capitalism (a.k.a. Soviet) mixed with Theocracy—know no bounds. And while that asswipe Michael Medved spews his insipid film critiques at straight-laced moviegoers who balk at anything other than Mary Poppins (though she was a single, working woman who shunned actual childbirth and usurped the male head-of-household’s power—lesbian?)—for MEs who are more Internet savvy, there is the glorious CapAlert, created by the Christian Analysis of American Culture Ministry.

CapAlert reviews the latest flicks according to their six personally devised “investigation standards,” a test called W.I.S.D.O.M.—an acronym that stands for how much Wanton violence/crime, Impudence/hate, Sexual immorality, Drugs/alcohol, Offense to God, and Murder/suicide each film contains. They claim the Cap system is based on fact and not speculation, and is “as objective as any human evaluation system can be.” Then there’s a bunch of tripe about how “scientific” they’re being—effectively towing the ridiculous ME line that religion could ever be scientific, or should be, with sorry-looking “mathematical” graphs to prove it by showing you how some classic films ranked. (Mary P got a perfect score, by the way!) They also state that it costs approximately $335 to review one film—hence, they really need your tax deductible donations.

Now, while there are many reasons to hate the film Barnyard—a 0 on the Wanton Violence score with 100 being best seems a little harsh. But then, we must have missed those counts of “killing by carnivores (coyotes),” “attempt to eat story character,” and “unauthorized use of police lights” atrocities. On Impudence/Hate, the film bombed with “son challenging father’s authority and wisdom,” “son’s arrogance at father,” and “flatulence”—undeniable sinning—and under Sexual Immorality, this satanic flick did the unthinkable: “male cows with udders, throughout.” The insinuation that in one scene there was a “police officer talking ‘naughtily’ about strip-searching children” we surmise, was all in the perverted reviewer’s head—what kind of creep says “naughtily?”

You know X-Men failed—“pro-evolution, unholy resurrection, shape shifting,” and that dreaded “making out frenzy.” (Yes, they really wrote “making out.”) And that insipid RV blew it with “sexual invitation albeit between stage married couple (they are not in real life),” which means ONLY on-screen married couples who are really married in real life can even think about sex. Some sketchy adult fare also screwed up. United 93 got nailed for “false worship,” because, goddammit, God’s name is NOT A’llah, and The Passion of the Christ did get a zero (worst) on the Wanton Violence chart—but in its defense, the reviewer reminded us that “this is a movie. It is entertainment. Violent entertainment,” unlike, say, Crank, because that shit happens all the time where we live.

Yes, thanks to CapAlert, we don’t have to focus our attention on cleaning up the truly destructive elements of Hollywood films—the least of which is stupidity—but instead, nitpick the hell out of kiddie fare in which the only real sins are sucky scripts. Amen, comrade.


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