Okay, so we like things that are political—and we like things that are funny. (Clever funny, not hardy-har-har, take-my-wife-puleeze funny, which isn’t funny, and that’s why we don’t watch stand-up comedy.) So when some group of genius hooligans put together a truly funny—and truly political—website, we momentarily fancy that the End Times are not nigh. Well, at least we fancy that we’ll go out laughing.
The mysterious patriots at whitehouse.org, who claim to be a part of McJesus Ventures (!), have constructed a White House parody site that is astonishing in its clever-joke-to-page ratio. At press time, the top stories were a transcript of the president’s phone call declining a debate invitation from “Iranistanian Madman Mammoo Allah-Lamma-Ding-Dong," in which the president claims that debating is only for queers; Lynne Cheney’s speech welcoming grisly gals to the “2006 Xena: Warrior Princess Womyn’s Empowerment & Menstrual Crafts Conference,” in which the Second Lady laments both the US patriarchy and the cancellation of the goddess who “teas[ed] us with glimpses of her creamy, alabaster flesh through the steamy mists of the Grecian baths . . . playfully tickling at the dewy folds of our quivering honey pots”—a clear jab at Mrs. Cheney’s distancing herself from her now hard-to-find 1981 romance novel Sisters, in which one of Cheney’s heroines is a bi woman: “She saw that the women in the cart had a passionate, loving intimacy forever closed to her. How strong it made them. What comfort it gave.” We also get to read about the president lamenting the Slut Pill to the Evangelical Pharmacists Association, and him touting all the new real estate deals that can now be struck along the New Orleans coast. Ouch.
Better still are the links that lead to updated WWII posters featuring Bush, Cheney and Condi et. al., and abstinence links for boys (www.sexisforfags.com) and girls (www.ironhymen.com), in which girls can pledge, among other things, “To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises,” with a welcome from the First Lady about girls’ “vile private parts.” It’ll take you all day to unearth the many gems on this site—from the history of the White House (not the Negroid Savage House, according to Teddy Roosevelt) to “ask the White House” (where Jesus, Bea Arthur as Karen Hughes, and the Bush girls “Jenna and the other one” are available to you). The site even allows all women and men aged 16-45 to sign up early for the impending draft, where one can list “intellectualism” and “averse-to-deathism” as psychological deficiencies on the prescreening form. Don’t forget to send your grammy and gramps the Bush Birthday Greeting Letter for Decrepit Geriatrics (who still rely on Socialist Security), and make sure to call the 800 number listed on the “contact us” page, so you can personally thank the real White House occupants for reminding us that “paranoia is patriotic.” (Stacy Davies)