TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 14
Happy birthday to the whitest white guy ever, songwriter Stephen Bishop!
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15
If we ever saw some assmunch on a deafening motorcycle zipping down a public street and popping wheelies, we’d think the obvious: “What a dick.” And if we saw said assmunch smash into a truck and kill himself, well, we’d probably thank the karmic gods, because idiots like these are pretty much asking for it. Such is what happened to one Rashawn Mykal Brown of Lake Elsinore, who was Evel Knieveling on his Yamaha down Foothill Boulevard near Victoria Gardens—and popping wheelies—when he smashed into a truck that was making a left-turn in front of him. Brown was killed instantly. Turns out that Brown was a member of the Inland Empire Ruff Ryders, a cycle stunt club—and the video camera found on the back of his bike, according to San Bernardino County Sheriff Deputies, sure seems to indicate that Brown was taping his tricks at the time. Brown’s friends deny that charge, and instead lay blame on the truck driver, who they claim is at fault for making an illegal turn. Rundown kinda doubts that—because if Brown hadn’t been roaring down the asphalt at such a high velocity (sheriffs don’t know how fast Brown was traveling, but it was enough to catapult his entire body over the truck, so it’s safe to say he likely was going balls-out), then he and the truck driver would probably have seen one another, and catastrophe would’ve been averted. God knows that IE denizens are addicted to speed—and those lame Fast and the Furious flcks—but that’s no excuse to live out your youthful Fonzie fantasies. Look—you don’t go around popping wheelies where there are cars around, you don’t go exceeding the posted speed limit, and you don’t videotape the whole goddamn thing to stroke your own ego afterwards. Otherwise, you end up like Brown—dead, with devastated family members, candlelight vigils and naïve friends who tell the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin “We never thought it would be one of our own”—which is as pathetic as blurting “I never thought anything would happen if I used a hair dryer in the bathtub.”
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16
Let’s say there’s this hot, sexy new videogame console that’s about to go on sale—we’ll call it the Atari 2600. Let’s say that—conspiracy theory, but a totally plausible one—the Japan-based company that produces the console has purposely shipped fewer units to the States than they could have, which guarantees that people of questionable intelligence will camp outside electronics stores for days in order to get their grimy paws on one, creating lines up the yin-yang everywhere you turn, and earning plenty of gratis media coverage. This last part is unfortunately true, and today—as expected—it’s the big hubbub in all the IE dailies, with the Riverside Press-Enterprise, the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin, the San Bernardino Sun, the Barstow Desert Dispatch and the Palm Springs Desert Sun all running inch after column inch of free publicity masquerading as real news. The story is essentially the same in every rag: reporter interviews people in line, asks them how long they’ve been there, how they’re passing the time, and what they plan to do with the pricey gizmo. Many greedheads say they’ll re-sell the machine on Ebay to the highest bidder—God bless American capitalism!—but our personal hero is the guy at www.smashmyps3.com, who bought one, took it outside and, in front of everybody standing in the wait line, dropped it on the sidewalk and had a buddy whack it to itty bitty bytes with a sledgehammer. Go on—you know you want to watch the video.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 17
The folks at the Center for Community Action and Environmental Justice have struck again, renting out a billboard that lords over the 60 freeway in Mira Loma, which proclaims a simple, brutal truth: that the IE air isn’t fit for man nor beast. The billboard—a bright yellow deal with big bold type—bluntly blurts “WARNING: Entering High Diesel Pollution Area. Breathing May Be Hazardous To Your Health!” To drive the point home—and just like the last CCAEJ billboard that went up over the summer—a little girl is pictured on the billboard sucking on an inhaler, which many schoolchildren in the IE are forced to do on account of the nasty-ass air they have to breathe every day. And it’s all because of black, gunky diesel emissions from the 18-wheelers that are abundant in the IE, especially in warehouse-clogged Mira Loma. Curiously, the person who paid for the billboard turns out to be an anonymous realtor, who would seem to be acting against their own self-interest by trying to stop people from moving here. But apparently even realtors are pissed about the way out-of-control development and pollution have put a literal stranglehold on IE windpipes. Which begs the question: if realtors are this enraged, could infamously indifferent Riverside County Supe John Tavaglione—who probably thinks IE air is cleaner than Vermont’s—find religion too?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 18
It’s the Murrieta lifestyle wars! At least judging from the pair of articles in today’s Daily Californian, which seem to cancel each other out. On one hand, life in Murrieta is just peachy, as one story’s headline blares “Residents Happy With Quality of Life Offered,” citing a survey by True North Research of Encinitas, which found that a whopping 87 percent of residents polled are loving their sub-suburban lives, and have few complaints other than traffic. Meanwhile, there’s this problematic other story in the Californian: “Power, Gas Prices Drive Families to Food Banks,” which notes that several Murrieta-area charities will be distributing a record number of free Thanksgiving baskets this week. The article goes on to report that aid groups such as the Menifee Valley Community Cupboard and the Senior Services Center will also dole out record numbers of food boxes to needy people this month. Rundown hereby suggests the town adopt a new slogan, one that covers all bases: “Murrieta: An Awesome, Shitty, Mediocre Place To Live!”
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 19
Let’s say there’s this hot, sexy new videogame console that’s about to go on sale called the Nintendo Wii . . . wait, didn’t we just do this?
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20
Kramer? A hood-wearing, cross-burning Klansman?