THE RUNDOWN
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Posted
June 26, 2008 in
News
TUESDAY, JUNE 17
The Lakers are blown out by the Boston Celtics, who begin celebrating their worst-to-first National Basketball Association title about halfway through the second quarter. Of course, the Lakers had a pretty impressive turnaround this year, too, and this particular series makes me believe in the power of moral victories. No, not by the Lakers—by the Celtics, and in particular by their Paul Pierce, who is named the Most Valuable Player in the series. Pierce not only shows what kind of player he’s always been—a fact that’s been obscured for a decade because he played for terrible Boston teams—but showed what kind of sportsman he’s always been, too. That is, Pierce played for those terrible teams without tantrums and demands to be traded . . . unlike Kobe Bryant, who will have to be satisfied with his trophy as the Most Valuable Player in the regular season and universal recognition as the best player on the planet. My guess is, deep inside, he’s satisfied with that.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18
Marc Retmier, a 19-year-old from Hemet, is killed in Afghanistan when a Taliban rocket slammed into his Humvee as he was patrolling in northern Patia province. Retmier, who planned to become a doctor and was working as a Navy hospital man, becomes the 500th Californian to die in the wars there and in Iraq—and the seventh from Hemet. What else to say about this waste of life and potential? “He was supposed to be here July 4 for leave,” observes his father, Steve Retmier. “We almost had him back.” Otherwise, it’s all questions, like the ones that Steve and Joyce Retmier are helping us all to ask: whether this war is really worth the life of their son, or anybody’s child.
THURSDAY, JUNE 19
Cities all over the Inland Empire are spending big bucks on consultants, who are coming up with slogans and campaigns designed to give these places an extra bit of civic pride and outside recognition, the better to improve moral and maybe business, too. Is this new? I grew up in Bellflower, which always had “The Friendly City” on signs posted at the city limits, and which was surrounded by suburbs like Lakewood (“Tomorrow’s City Today”), Paramount (“City of Progress”), Compton (“The Hub City”), Downey (“Future Unlimited”) and Dairy Valley (“Our Shit Don’t Stink . . . Well, It Does, But We Like To Think Of Cow Manure As Money”). So now we’ve got Moreno Valley (“Where Dreams Soar”), Lake Elsinore (“Dream Extreme”), Fontana (“A City of Action”) and Norco (“Our Shit Don’t Stink . . . Well, It Does, But We’ve Gotten Used to It”).
FRIDAY, JUNE 20
Hot.
SATURDAY, JUNE 21
Hotter.
SUNDAY, JUNE 22
With nothing else to do on this first Sunday in summer, I begin thinking about those marketing plans that cities are using to make names for themselves—and I start thinking about what we call the people who live in those cities. What do we call residents of Banning? Of Eastvale? Menifee? Wildomar? I set about to make a list, which I provide here, for free. It’s not complete, so feel free to add yours.
Banning: Baninjas
Beaumont: Beaumontuments
Coachella: Coachellatins
Corona: Coronasses
Colton: Coltenders
Desert: Deserters
Eastvale: Eastvaliers
Fontana: Fontanstics
Grand Terrace: Terrastials
Highland: Highjinks
Jurupa: Jurupascoopers
Lake Elsinore: Elsinsnorers
Menifee: Menifeet
Norco: Norcopilots
Perris: Perrisites
Pomona: Pomoaners
San Bernardino: San Berdudes
San Jacinto: San Gesundheits
Temecula: Temectrolinks
Temescal Valley: Temescalions
Wildomar: Wildebeests
MONDAY, JUNE 23
Bloomington residents are trying to turn their community into a city again, but the Local Agency Formation Commission for San Bernardino County says they can’t use the same petitions full of signatures that they used the first time. That drive stopped in February of 2007 because the Bloomington Incorporation Commission (BIC) couldn’t raise enough money for feasibility and financial studies. Now it has the money—but has to collect the signatures all over again. “It shouldn’t have to be this difficult,” says Eric Davenport, president of the BIC. “It’s absolutely, totally crazy.” You might say it’s Bloomin’ Nuts . . . you know, if you were trying to think of a nickname for Bloomington residents.
TUESDAY, JUNE 17
The Lakers are blown out by the Boston Celtics, who begin celebrating their worst-to-first National Basketball Association title about halfway through the second quarter. Of course, the Lakers had a pretty impressive turnaround this year, too, and this particular series makes me believe in the power of moral victories. No, not by the Lakers—by the Celtics, and in particular by their Paul Pierce, who is named the Most Valuable Player in the series. Pierce not only shows what kind of player he’s always been—a fact that’s been obscured for a decade because he played for terrible Boston teams—but showed what kind of sportsman he’s always been, too. That is, Pierce played for those terrible teams without tantrums and demands to be traded . . . unlike Kobe Bryant, who will have to be satisfied with his trophy as the Most Valuable Player in the regular season and universal recognition as the best player on the planet. My guess is, deep inside, he’s satisfied with that.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18
Marc Retmier, a 19-year-old from Hemet, is killed in Afghanistan when a Taliban rocket slammed into his Humvee as he was patrolling in northern Patia province. Retmier, who planned to become a doctor and was working as a Navy hospital man, becomes the 500th Californian to die in the wars there and in Iraq—and the seventh from Hemet. What else to say about this waste of life and potential? “He was supposed to be here July 4 for leave,” observes his father, Steve Retmier. “We almost had him back.” Otherwise, it’s all questions, like the ones that Steve and Joyce Retmier are helping us all to ask: whether this war is really worth the life of their son, or anybody’s child.
THURSDAY, JUNE 19
Cities all over the Inland Empire are spending big bucks on consultants, who are coming up with slogans and campaigns designed to give these places an extra bit of civic pride and outside recognition, the better to improve moral and maybe business, too. Is this new? I grew up in Bellflower, which always had “The Friendly City” on signs posted at the city limits, and which was surrounded by suburbs like Lakewood (“Tomorrow’s City Today”), Paramount (“City of Progress”), Compton (“The Hub City”), Downey (“Future Unlimited”) and Dairy Valley (“Our Shit Don’t Stink . . . Well, It Does, But We Like To Think Of Cow Manure As Money”). So now we’ve got Moreno Valley (“Where Dreams Soar”), Lake Elsinore (“Dream Extreme”), Fontana (“A City of Action”) and Norco (“Our Shit Don’t Stink . . . Well, It Does, But We’ve Gotten Used to It”).
FRIDAY, JUNE 20
Hot.
SATURDAY, JUNE 21
Hotter.
SUNDAY, JUNE 22
With nothing else to do on this first Sunday in summer, I begin thinking about those marketing plans that cities are using to make names for themselves—and I start thinking about what we call the people who live in those cities. What do we call residents of Banning? Of Eastvale? Menifee? Wildomar? I set about to make a list, which I provide here, for free. It’s not complete, so feel free to add yours.
Banning: Baninjas
Beaumont: Beaumontuments
Coachella: Coachellatins
Corona: Coronasses
Colton: Coltenders
Desert: Deserters
Eastvale: Eastvaliers
Fontana: Fontanstics
Grand Terrace: Terrastials
Highland: Highjinks
Jurupa: Jurupascoopers
Lake Elsinore: Elsinsnorers
Menifee: Menifeet
Norco: Norcopilots
Perris: Perrisites
Pomona: Pomoaners
San Bernardino: San Berdudes
San Jacinto: San Gesundheits
Temecula: Temectrolinks
Temescal Valley: Temescalions
Wildomar: Wildebeests
MONDAY, JUNE 23
Bloomington residents are trying to turn their community into a city again, but the Local Agency Formation Commission for San Bernardino County says they can’t use the same petitions full of signatures that they used the first time. That drive stopped in February of 2007 because the Bloomington Incorporation Commission (BIC) couldn’t raise enough money for feasibility and financial studies. Now it has the money—but has to collect the signatures all over again. “It shouldn’t have to be this difficult,” says Eric Davenport, president of the BIC. “It’s absolutely, totally crazy.” You might say it’s Bloomin’ Nuts . . . you know, if you were trying to think of a nickname for Bloomington residents.
