I’m a middle-class white dude, but in one category I’m still the decided minority (though I doubt it’ll help me to qualify for scholarships): I’d take Jennifer Aniston over Angelina Jolie.
You heard me. Any day. Any way.
In a house with a mouse, in a box with a fox, I prefer Jen to Angelina and it’s not even close!
Of course, I doubt I’ll ever have to choose between showering with either Jen or Angelina, seeing that they’re Hollywood actresses who wear expensive designer gowns and go to lavish awards parties, while I’m a nobody who waits for a coupon to get his hair cut and eats English muffin pizzas.
But it’s still fun to debate, because I think we’re all tired of talking about the current economic recession, or, as I like to call it, America’s Going-Out-of-Business Sale.
The tale of the tape would seem to favor Angelina. She is six years younger, three inches taller and considerably curvier than Jen. Angelina also won an Academy Award for supporting actress in some film I always confuse with that Sandra Bullock one about rehab.
Not to mention Angelina’s the daughter of Academy Award-winner Jon Voight (not to be confused with the tetherball) and was named the Most Beautiful Woman of 2005 by People, a magazine run entirely by gay men and women obsessed with their weight.
But, Angelina, well, she just scares me. She’s got those creepy prison tattoos. She’s got those giant trout lips. And she used to wear a vial of blood around her neck during her marriage to Billy Bob Thornton, aka lead actor in Mr. Woodcock (another Academy Award winner for Most Misleading Film Title).
Ten years ago, sure, Tomb Raider Angelina was sexy and dangerous in a please-don’t-harvest-my-organs-while-I’m asleep sort of way. But now? She’s getting all spindly and veiny, like a cross between Madonna and Iggy Pop.
That’s not even counting the “It’s a Small World” posse Angelina’s been accumulating. Not only has she given birth to, count ‘em, three children, she’s also adopted another three from Cambodia, Ethiopia and Vietnam. Is she raising a family or casting an ad for Benetton?
Plus Angelina is so serious. She’s always telling us to save this or recycle that, or build another hospital in a country without an all-inclusive resort.
What’s the point of being rich and famous if you’re going to waste it underneath a sweaty United Nations helmet?
Jen, on the other hand, she’s footloose and childfree. She dates guys like Vince Vaughn and John Mayer, uncomplicated dudes who flip their ball caps backward, wear socks with sandals and drink beer out of can cozies.
Jen acts in movies, too, but even she knows she’s not going to win anything for them. (The co-star of her last film, Marley & Me, is an animal that licks itself and scoots across the carpet. There may also be a dog in it.)
You’ve got to love Jen for her simplicity. Even her name is just one syllable and three cute little letters long. I’ll bet she even replaces the “e” with a heart.
Contrast that with Angelina, who named her latest twins Supercalifragilistic and Expialidocious.
Of course, the expert in the Angelina versus Jen debate is the guy who married them both, Brad Pitt. Brad reportedly ended his relationship with Jen to take up with Angelina, but something tells me he’s secretly been longing for a Friends reunion.
While Jen’s getting photographed by paparazzi horseback riding across a white sandy beach, Brad’s riding shotgun on the Partridge Family bus, on his way to dismantle another Communist-era landmine.
Some will argue that Angelina’s a deeper, more compassionate person than Jen and that Angelina’s making more of a “difference.” That’s fine. But life’s already a big enough bummer without somebody making it deeper.
And last I checked, nobody’s watching a beauty contest for the “difference” competition.
I just want a woman who’s going to greet me at the door with a werewolf DVD and take-out Chinese food, preferably while wearing a Princess Leia costume. And cute, little, uncomplicated Jen seems just like the woman to do it.
(When Angelina orders Chinese, she usually just adopts the delivery girl.)