TUESDAY, MARCH 17
In a fitting tribute to the saint famous for humanely trapping, neutering, microchipping and vaccinating every snake in Ireland—that’s what he did before driving them out of the country—volunteers celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by helping the Riverside County Animal Control departmentround up hundreds of cats who’ve been running loose at a mobile home park in Mira Loma. Residents have been feeding the felines but their generosity can’t keep up with the animals’ prolific breeding—they’re doin’ it like cats: 14 of the 15 female felines caught on the first day were pregnant. Unlike St. Paddy, however, they’re not going to kick the cats out of Swan Lake Estates.They’re going to release them back into the mobile home park—even though the place seems to bedown more than a few swans . . . that is how Swan Lake Estates got its name, isn’t it? Somewhere, St. Patrick must be smiling. You know, because it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and he’s drunk.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18
Three members of the Redlands city council—Mayor Jon Harrison and council members Pete Aguilar and Pat Gilbreath—humiliate themselves as only the most pathetic smalltimers can. For the second day in a row they try to hijack some political cred from a junket to Washington, D.C., and for the second day in a row they get smacked down by the reality of their insignificance. Instead of keeping their big mouths shut about the questionable use of taxpayer dollars to pay for their visit to the nation’s capital, the Three Amigos issued an alert that claimed their regular Tuesday council meeting would be held in D.C. and include California Sen. Barbara Boxer. Actually, they were just going to attend Boxer’s legislative briefing with the California Association of Citiesinside a Senate hearing room. Boxer’s staff said it didn’t know anything about a Redlands city council meeting—except that it would take Congressional approval for such a thing to happen. Embarrassing! But not so much that the trio didn’t try again today, issuing another notice that described today’s more intimate meeting with Boxer at her office as an official Redlands city council meeting. Once again, Boxer’s staff doesn’t know a thing about it. Priceless! But it shouldn’t be. We ought to know exactly how much taxpayers spent to send these lame-brains across the country to make fools of themselves and the citizens of their city. Somebody, please, file aCalifornia Public Records Act request with Redlands City Hall, ask for the cost of the trip—airfare, hotels, meals, all the other expenses—and send it to me here at the Inland Empire Weekly. I’ll publish it, so we can all get an even-bigger laugh. This stuff is funny, right?
THURSDAY, MARCH 19
President Barack Obama wraps up his whirlwind two-day trip through Southern California—two town hall meetings, a tour of the Edison International Vehicle Electrics Plant in Pomona, an appearance on the Tonight Show—and local Republican congressman/land baron Ken Calvertmutters because the president didn’t come to Riverside or San Bernardino counties. “I’m hopefulthat there will be some people from the Inland Empire at these meetings to communicate the area’s problems,” said Calvert, who represents Corona when he’s not representing his own interests, lamenting that “Obama doesn’t call me and ask for advice.” That’s obvious, and not so lamentable for the rest of us. Otherwise, Obama would likely own some prime parkland through some shadyfinagling, too. In other news, the swallows make their annual return to Mission San Juan Capistrano—Calvert lodges his annual complaint that they never come to Corona.
FRIDAY, MARCH 20
Is there a better way to observe the first day of spring than with the country-fried steak breakfast at the Farm House Restaurant in Beaumont? Probably so, but don’t tell me—I want to savor it.
SATURDAY MARCH 21
Times are tough in the Inland Empire, and that spells good ratings for John Kobylt and Ken Chiampou—the full names of the shit-stirrers who host the John and Ken Show on KFI-AM. Their brand of self-serving opportunism has really hit a nerve around here, which rates the doomsday duo a little feature in today’s San Bernardino Sun. “The Inland Empire is the most emotional, most passionate, most involved part of our audience,” said Kobylt, which is a sleazy way of saying they arefrightened and angry and worried. “They’re the ones who call the most, e-mail the most, and show up for events the most,” said Chiampou, which is a sleazy way of saying they don’t know what else to do. Anyway, John and Ken—congratulations, you vultures.
SUNDAY, MARCH 22
Is there a better way to celebrate the third day of spring than watching the re-enactment of heartlessly bloody shootouts on the main streets of western towns? Not if you’re in Oak Glen, where the hail of murderous gunfire from the 1880s is presented as periodic family entertainment all weekend long on the streets of Oak Tree Village. Who knows, maybe 130 years from nowvarious cities throughout the Inland Empire will be staging re-enactments of current turf-and-drug battles between rival youth gangs. No doubt, families will love it.
MONDAY, MARCH 23
Sweet 16? Not hardly.