Barbie? Damn right, I would.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4
A few days after Angels In Waiting, Inc., got its answer from Nadya Suleman—aka Octomom—a few more questions emerge about the viability of the free health-care offer the San Bernardino-based not-for-profit agency made two weeks ago to the infamous woman with the octoplets and 14 young children. According to a story by Juan Pardell in The District Weekly of Long Beach, Angels In Waiting has never filed a Form-990 tax return with the IRS—because it has never earned as much as $25,000 a year. Also? Angels In Waiting’s privileges as a California corporation appear to have been suspended. So how was the organization going to provide for 14 young children? “Donations from the public,” says attorney Gloria Allred, who made Angels In Waiting’s offer to Octomom. And if that wasn’t enough? It may have fallen to the taxpayers—the very people that Angels In Waiting said it was taking off the hook. That’s how caregivers for Angels in Waiting have been compensated in other situations. I’m just sayin’.
THURSDAY, MARCH 5
Word finally arrives that Lynn Wineland, a pioneering former editor of Hot Rod and Motor Trend magazines, died on Feb. 24—his 81st birthday—at Loma Linda University Medical Hospital’s VA Hospice. According to his obituary in today’s edition of the Temecula Valley News, Wineland is the guy who came up with the terms “go kart” and “minibike.” I’m certainly not going to disagree with a guy whose byline is C.J. “Sparkplug” Stewart.
FRIDAY, MARCH 6
A horse walks into a tavern, and the place goes silent as he walks to the end of the bar, orders a drink and nurses it for 10 minutes. Finally, the bartender approaches and is compelled to ask the horse the question that’s been on everybody’s mind: “Why the long face?”
SATURDAY, MARCH 7
Karen Pacella walks up to a corral at the Starbrite Riding Academy in Norco to audition for the pilot show of a reality TV program. She doesn’t look happy, and pretty soon somebody’s got to ask: “Hey, Karen, why the long face?” Pacella has an answer. “If I could figure out how to have one relationship and hold hands with somebody till I’m 80 years old, that would be worth it,” she tells the reporter from the Press-Enterprise. Oh, did we mention the 51-year-old Pacella is fresh off her third divorce? Fresh, like, finalized yesterday? Ouch! Anyway, she is in the right place—one of 10 woeful folks auditioning for a reality show that will use horses to help them find solutions for being human. Producer Sheila Emery, who also produced Dog Whisperer, describes the concept as “something along the lines of Intervention with horses.” The auditions consist of a recitation of sob stories—”Every single person’s story was great!” gushes Emery, not exactly sympathetically—after which each person drags what’s left of their dignity into the Starlite arena, where the facility’s owner, Ray Ariss, is waiting with a large white stallion. The people are instructed to approach the horse to see how they interact. That’s pretty much it. I’ve got nothing else to say. Just go ahead and ask me: “Hey, Allen, why the long face?”
SUNDAY, MARCH 8
The timing is a little off, but the perspective offered in today’s Man-to-Man advice column in the Desert Independent is . . . well, it’s a little off, too.
I think I just screwed up Mother’s Day. As hard as I tried to make this one special (I haven’t been so hot with these events in the past,) my wife was critical about the restaurant we went to (it wasn’t kid-friendly enough), the flowers I got her (by the time we reached my in-laws they had wilted,) and the gift I gave her (a coupon to take care of all kid transportation for the week.) I feel like I need to do something to make her happy and make up for my poor performance. Any suggestions?
–Desperate to Please
Yeah, I’ve got a suggestion. Go into the bathroom, close the door, pull down your pants, and check to see if you still have testicles.
MONDAY, MARCH 9
Construction begins in Victorville on a $120-million, 850,000-square-foot production and distribution center, where by 2010 more than 200 local workers are expected to be bottling as many as 40 million cases of Dr. Pepper, 7Up, A&W root beer, Sunkist soda and a crapload of Snapple. The project had been stalled over a range of environmental concerns—including the discovery of asbestos and lead on the 53-acre site. But then everyone realized it really added pizzazz to the taste. Not really.