Because President Barack Obama killed — insert overly dramatic gasp here — a fly!
Obama swatted the fly during a televised interview on CNBC at the White House last week, then punctuated the act by saying, “That was pretty impressive, wasn’t it? I got the sucker.”
Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid would’ve been proud of our president, but not everyone is happy about the Swatter-in-Chief’s swooping crane-like reflexes.
“We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals,” said Bruce Friedrich, spokesman for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) to the Associated Press. “We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals.”
I’m not sure a fly actually qualifies as an “animal.” Then again, PETA is the same group who would try to save belly button lint if it thought it had a pulse. And for a bunch of animal lovers, they sure do have lot of problems with people.
Friedrich went on to say that PETA was pleased with Obama’s voting record in the Senate on behalf of animal rights and noted that he has been outspoken against animal abuses.
Still, “swatting a fly on TV indicates he’s not perfect,” Friedrich said, “and we’re happy to say that we wish he hadn’t.”
Listen, I’ve done more damage to the environment during a late-night stumble to find a bathroom. And what’s the world coming to when the most powerful man in the world can’t even swat a fly? I mean it’s not like he groped an intern or nuked North Korea.
It’s a fly for crike’s sakes, and there should be a rule that you’re free to kill anything whose brain weighs less than an ounce or that mates on top of a pile of crap (which means it’s also open season on Paris Hilton).
Granted, I’m not what one might call overly compassionate when it comes to “saving the anything” and I’m sure as hell not on the mailing list for PETA’s newsletter: Don’t miss next month’s issue with a 101 recipes for bean curd!
The truth is I can’t go to a petting zoo without imagining a Sizzler all-you-can-eat buffet. But I’d like to think I’m an animal lover, even if sometimes that animal is covered in barbecue sauce and served with curly fries.
PETA has to learn how to better choose its battles. Contrary to what its spokesman may say, all animals are not created equal. The cute ones are worth more. Those are the rules. And don’t blame me. Blame Disney, because it’s the one making all those ridiculously cute animated movies.
Thumper is worth more than a gross garden snail. The Country Bear Jamboree is worth more than a mosquito. And if PETA is going to piss and moan every time a stupid fly gets squashed, no on is going take them seriously when some maniac tries to off Winnie the Pooh.
On the cute scale, flies rank dead last. And so does anything else that can lay 3,000 eggs in your mouth while you’re sleeping. (Incidentally, first on the cute scale is an Ewok cradling a baby kitten, but nobody has worried about an Ewok’s safety since Luke and Han destroyed the Death Star.)
I actually have more respect now for Obama than I did before Fly-gate. Becoming the first black president in the history of the United States is one thing. But being able to lay the smackdown on a flying insect on national TV, on the first try no less? Well move over Ronald Reagan, because there’s another badass president getting carved on Mount Rushmore.
Who’s going to mess with a president so lightning-quick he can kill a fly? Certainly not Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Obama could Stooge-slap Putin six times before he ever says “Nyet.”
Come to think of it, I’m beginning to wonder if there ever was a fly. Or if the entire swatting incident was staged just like the moon landing to show the rest of the world the U.S.A.’s near-bionic insect-repelling reflexes.
And if so, all I can say is, “Well done, President Obama. Remind me to invite you to my next picnic.”
(Just don’t tell PETA, because we’re having ribs.)
Contact Jeff Girod at email@example.com.