Final Word

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Posted July 30, 2009 in News

Last week marked the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing. It was a landmark in human history, the culmination of years of scientific research, technological advancement and dogged determination. Or was it a giant fake?

 

That’s according to Whoopi Goldberg, who commemorated the event on TV’s The View by suggesting the moon landing never happened.

 

Said Whoopi: “There are [a] couple of questions I have from time to time. Who shot the footage? . . . Why is the flag rippling? There’s no air.”

 

I don’t know how Whoopi found the time to become such an expert on outer space what with all of her successful film projects such as, er, um, uh . . . Seriously what the hell has Whoopi been doing since Ghost came out 19 years ago?

 

If Whoopi thinks the moon landing should have an asterisk next to it, I guess it’s only fitting considering her hairdo kind of looks like an asterisk.

 

But when it comes to space conspiracies, Whoopi’s not alone. According to a magazine poll, one in four people in England don’t believe we ever landed on the moon. (Then again, one in four people in England don’t believe in toothpaste.)

 

In 2002, a man confronted Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon, outside of a hotel and called him a “thief, liar and coward.” Aldrin, 72 at the time, then did what any self-respecting astronaut should: He used his fist to try to launch the jerk, chin-first, into orbit.

 

Imagine how it must feel to be one of the handful of astronauts to walk on the moon (24 men in all, less than half the number of U.S. presidents) yet to be labeled a fraud by any nutcase on the street, one in four Brits, not to mention America’s hottest wise-cracking sidekick from 1990. 

 

Think of it, you have single-mindedly dedicated your entire life to aeronautics, you’re head of the class in every school subject from mathematics to science to biology, you push yourself to the limits until you’re in tip-top physical shape, you endure a barrage of psychological and stress tests, you beat out a group of NASA’s most elite candidates who all have “the right stuff” just praying you’re one of three astronauts chosen to say goodbye to your family, possibly forever, strap yourself to 10,000 pounds of rocket fuel to fly hundreds of thousands of miles to attempt something that has never ever been done before, then, by the grace of God, you actually SUCCEED without blowing yourself up, suffocating, freezing to death, burning up on reentry, running out of gas or getting attacked by space germs and when you finally get back to earth some third-rate comedienne says, “Why is the flag rippling?”

 

Why is the flag rippling? WHY IS THE FLAG RIPPLING? Here are some better questions for you, Whoopi: Who the hell calls themselves Whoopi? What’s a black chick with dreadlocks doing with a Jewish last name? And who thought it was a good idea to make Sister Act 2? Were there really that many unresolved questions at the end of Sister Act 1?

 

See, when someone such as Aldrin or first man to walk on the moon Neil Armstrong or any other astronaut risks his life to personally alter the course of mankind the correct response is “Thank you” or “We’re proud of you” or “Mr. Armstrong, would you mind if we named this high school after you?” Or better yet: Close your mouth, step aside and let a Real American Hero pass.

 

Tell you what, Whoopi, you go get one-third the training of an astronaut, then let us know if you still can’t figure out why the flag is rippling or who shot the film footage. 

 

Aw hell. I’m no rocket scientist but I’ll try to answer those burning questions right now.

 

The flag is rippling because — wait for it — the astronaut is wiggling the flagpole and, try to follow me here, it’s attached to the flag.

 

As for who shot the moon footage, I’m going to guess since we only see two astronauts on camera, and there were three members of the space crew . . .

On second thought, Whoopi, go figure it out on your own, you space cadet.

 

Contact Jeff Girod at dudeitsjeff@gmail.com


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