Final Word

Posted July 23, 2009 in News

Brace yourself because Paula Abdul is—gasp—unhappy. 


“She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on,” said Paula’s manager, David Sonenberg, who should immediately lose 10 IQ points for using a phrase like “happy camper.”


What’s going on is Paula’s contract negotiation with American Idol, which, according to a recent article in the L.A. Times, isn’t going so well. Actually it isn’t going anywhere at all, because so far TV’s No. 1 show has told Paula, “Thanks, but no thanks, and we won’t be seeing you in Hollywood, dawg!” 


Apparently that’s left Paula feeling both “hurt” and “angry,” according to Sonenberg, which are two more emotions than Paula usually shows. 


If only there was a pill Paula could take for her unhappiness. Then again, who knows if Paula Abdul even takes pills because we all know how she likes to stay sharp. Seriously, she’s like a crime-fighting, mystery-solving Monk without the compulsions and phobias. Oh wait. I meant to say she’s the exact opposite of that.


But Sonenberg said his client isn’t about to take this lying down, unless of course it’s time for one of Paula’s 15-20 daily naps, because criticizing total strangers’ crappy performances in a semi-vegetative state is hard work, dawg! (Last time I use the “D” word. I swear, dawg.)


Said Sonenberg: “I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows.”


Whatever Sonenberg is getting paid to be Paula’s manager/sounding board, it’s not enough because I can only imagine the “tremendous ideas” Paula thinks she has for a TV show to compete against American Idol . . . 


Sonenberg: “Paula, what are your ideas for a TV show?”

Paula: “Blaah aftss foo ppppphlt ga nyuk talking squirrel.”

Sonenberg: “Tremendous!”


First of all, that crazy bitch spends most of her time half-conscious and completely unintelligible and that’s only the clips they actually show on American Idol. She probably wastes the rest of her time propped against a wall, lathering her face in Miracle Whip and wondering why the “t” is silent in the word “Prozac.”


I’ve seen more coherent drunks during a holiday traffic stop on Cops.


Threatening to start her own Idol copycat show just isn’t the tack I’d take if I were Paula, which thankfully I’m not. Otherwise I’d be high as a kite on six kinds of painkillers, Strawberry Hill and fudge cookie dough. 


Paula’s not exactly negotiating from a position of strength, considering her lone career highlight before American Idol consisted of singing a duet in a music video with a rapping cartoon cat. 


Paula’s manager should tell her to get on her knees and beg the producers of American Idol to take her back. And since it’s Paula, there’s a 50/50 chance she’s already near the floor.


Where else is she going to find a paying gig where her primary job responsibility is to sit perfectly still, hold her head up and open her eyes?  It was either become a judge on American Idol or sit inside a booth for Fotomat. And I doubt there’s enough room inside the Fotomat hut for Paula, a fat black dude and an uptight British guy.


Then again, leaving American Idol will provide Abdul more time to do the things she does best, such as wandering through the neighborhood in an open bathrobe and muttering to the garbage man that he really should work on his “choreographology.”


And given the current state of TV, there’s no doubt Paula Abdul will eventually get her own TV show, something titled Just Paula, where Paula spends an entire hour trying to find her other shoe, only to discover during the last 5 minutes that’s she been wearing it the whole time as a funny hat.


Or how about a game show where every week Paula competes against a bevy of crazy homeless people, zoo animals and household appliances to determine who’s smarter?


Who knows where Paula goes from here? International ambassador for world peace or slurring paperweight in a blue vest at the entrance to Wal-Mart; either way it seems Paula’s days impersonating an Idol judge are over, dawg!


Contact Jeff Girod at



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