Final Word

0
Posted August 20, 2009 in News

Wal-Mart is selling its own version of Girl Scout Cookies and apparently the Girl Scouts aren’t happy about it.

 

I say “apparently” because, really, who can understand anything a preteen girl says? They’re like a pack of spitting, brace-faced chipmunks with AD/HD, high on a combination of speed and helium and constantly obsessed with cell phone reception.

 

Wal-Mart’s knockoff of Thin Mints is called Fudge Mint Cookies. They also make a knockoff of Tagalongs called Shmagalongs. Nah, actually the Tagalongs are called Fudge Covered Peanut Butter Filled Cookies (way to think outside of the cookie jar, Wal-Mart). 

 

I searched Wal-Marts in Corona and Riverside before finding the cookies at a Wal-Mart Supercenter in Chino, along with a packet of reasonably price tube socks. Ten for $9! You can’t beat that!

 

As for taste, Wal-Mart’s faux Thin Mints are a dead-on copy. I bite down, close my eyes and imagine a gaggle of girls in green vests at a folding table trying to strong-arm me into buying an extra box. And speaking of strong arms, don’t miss Wal-Mart’s Everlast wrist weights, $14.77 a pair!

 

Girl Scouts sell their cookies for about $3.50 a box. Wal-Mart’s are priced at a much more reasonable $2.38, a comparative savings of $1.12 per box, which can be spent on other fine Wal-Mart products such as a set of Goodyear Tracker 2 tires, $95 each! Or how about a Jean-Claude Van Damme Quadruple Feature: Hard Target/Timecop/Street Fighter and The Quest, all on one DVD for $15.86!

 

Even better, Wal-Mart sells their fake cookies all year long, which you can track on a 12-Month Photo Calendar for $16.84! Whereas each Girl Scout council determines the handful of months they’ll sell their cookies and how much they’re going to gouge their customers (think Communism with more campouts).

 

Wal-Mart apparently has no moral hesitation in trying to beat the Girl Scouts at their own game (and speaking of games, SpongeBob Connect Four is only $18!), but they’re not the first company to take its chances with a copycat cookie. 

 

Keebler makes a Thin Mint called the FudgeShoppe Grasshopper, but apparently elves just don’t make cookies like a faceless corporate superpower. (If Wal-Mart did have a face, it should treat it with Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Wrinkle Intensive Night Cream, a steal at $17.49!)

 

Girl Scout advocates say the difference is their group’s cookie profits go toward trips and community projects, as if anybody cares. Wal-Mart’s proceeds could go toward grinding up baby seals into gunpowder, but as long as it’s selling cheap ‘n’ tasty cookies I’m stilling getting in the self-checkout line.

 

Wal-Mart also makes a cookie sandwich with cream filling, as well as a chocolate chunk cookie, but you don’t’ hear the folks over at Oreo and Chips Ahoy! crying. (Wipe away those tears with Puff’s Lotion White Facial Tissue, yours for a measly $3.44!) This country was built on the spirit of healthy competition, even if some of the competition has to be home before the streetlights come on (GE’s Energy Smart Dimming Bulb, ridiculously marked down to $11.77!).

 

More than archery and canoeing, maybe what Girl Scouts really need is a hard life lesson in economics (Texas Instruments MultiView Calculator, a rock bottom $25!). And instead of crying that Wal-Mart is trying to horn in on their monopoly (get the electronic version for just $29.88!) maybe it’s time for the Girl Scouts to step up their game (Dr. Scholl’s Air-Pillo Sneakers, a no-brainer at $20!).

 

Girl Scouts should quit whining and start slashing their cookie prices, sell them year-round, offer incentives such as a red light specials or a frequent-buyer program. Or how about a Girl Scout mega warehouse where folks could come and buy cookies? And Girl Scouts could offer other services such as a photo studio, an automotive department, an in-store McDonald’s and maybe a geriatric greeter at the front door.

 

The only way the Girl Scouts are going to beat Wal-Mart is by becoming Wal-Mart. Or everyone could just quit the Girl Scouts right now and apply for a job at Wal-Mart, because that’s where we’re all going to end up anyhow.

 

And just imagine the employee discount we’ll get on Vizio’s 42-inch high-definition TV, already a steal at a microscopic $648!

 

Contact Jeff Girod at dudeitsjeff@gmail.com


0 Comments



Be the first to comment!


You must be logged in to post a comment.