Final Word

Posted September 3, 2009 in News

I think nationalized health care is a great idea—I really do—as long as somebody else’s country is running it. 


Sure, Finland may sound like a long way to travel to get a rash checked out. But anybody who’s ever tried to renew a driver license knows letting our government be in charge of anything usually takes forever anyway. 


I just have a hard time believing that getting the government involved is somehow going to improve health care. I mean seriously, when has the government ever really improved anything? I take that back; giving us Martin Luther King Day off in January was pretty cool. Thanks, America!


And I get that President Obama is all about “hope” and “change.” Even I voted for the guy. But ask yourself, honestly, how much has your life really “changed” in the 8-plus months since he’s been in charge of our government, hmm? Gas is still too expensive, the economy is still in the crapper, our troops are still in Iraq and Afghanistan, gay marriage is still illegal, Guantanamo Bay is still open for business, everybody else in the world still hates our guts and college football STILL doesn’t have a playoff system. 


About the only thing that has “changed” is now we’re all on the hook for more than a billion dollars in new taxes, thanks to a bailout that didn’t really bail out anything and only made a few rich people even richer.


So I have to wonder: If I can’t even trust these people with the post office, let alone something really important like stimulating the economy, do I really want them meddling with my health? Because at this point, my health is about the only thing I have left.


I get that health insurance is screwed up and that something needs to be done. All you have to do is take a trip to Kaiser a.k.a “medicine’s answer to Costco.” Most of Kaiser’s doctors seem like they went to the Clint Eastwood School of Medicine: “Here, bite down on this stick and try not to pass out when I jab you with this hot poker.”


And the last thing any of us wants is to spend our last weeks and months in a dank, crowded hospital receiving substandard treatment while leaving our loved ones with mountains of costly medical bills. So here’s my advice: Do everything in your power to die all at once. Starting with eating a lot of cheese, seriously, like a wheel of it a day. A heart attack is a great way to go, relatively speaking of course. Because it sure beats dying a slow death from something like cancer or organ failure.


Another great way to go: Car crash. Just make sure you don’t take anybody down with you, like one of those farmers’ market scenarios where you’re 85 years old and you lean forward to adjust the defroster and the next thing you know your windshield is covered in avocadoes and grey matter.


Health and beauty magazines are always including “age-defying” tips to live longer. Um, why? So someone can dress me in a housecoat, prop me up in a La-Z-Boy in front of Animal Planet and pay some convict-turned-orderly to drop in twice a day, fondle me and occasionally steal my loose change? Yeah, that sounds awesome. Where do I sign up for that? Giving up desserts, wearing sunscreen and doing ab crunches seems totally worth it if I can have 5-10 years of that to look forward to at the end of my miserable, adult-diapered life.


Bottom line: Getting old sucks. And either way, health care is screwed. Just ask Michael Jackson . . . oh wait you can’t. 


That’s because Michael Jackson was the King of Pop and even he couldn’t avoid allegedly getting killed off by some quack doctor. And if the man who invented the moonwalk and was BFF with a chimp and Macaulay Culkin couldn’t get decent health care, what chance do the rest of us have? 


So in closing: If you’re over 80, kill yourself. Better make it 75. Just don’t list me in the suicide note because I don’t need that kind of hassle. And speaking of hassles, I have to get my driver license renewed.


Contact Jeff Girod at


Be the first to comment!

You must be logged in to post a comment.