Final World

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Posted September 10, 2009 in News

Sure, adolescence can be confusing. But who better to nurture these impressionable young teens and pilot them into blossoming womanhood than a creepy 37-year-old man with limited social skills and no kids of his own? 

So without further adieu, here are actual questions copied and pasted directly from readers of Cosmogirl.com with answers provided by yours truly.

I want my high school years to be full of friends and fun. Please help.

—Sadie

Sadie, we have a name for people who “loved “high school.” We call them annoying. Seriously, hating high school is a rite of passage all normal people go through. And if you ever meet anyone who says, “Hey, I loved high school,” he or she was probably home schooled or is from Europe. After you graduate, I strongly encourage you to grab your diploma and run screaming into the woods never to return. And even if you don’t live near the woods, just keep running. Eventually you’ll hit a tree.

How can I lose about 10 easy pounds?

—Betty

I get this one all time. Wait for a particularly hot day, pour yourself a glass of milk and leave it out on the curb for roughly 14-16 hours. When you come back it should be pretty clumpy. Gulp/chew that slop down and you should start to experience dramatic weight loss almost immediately. You may also lose a kidney and part of your eyesight, but what doesn’t kill ya . . . Am I right, Betty? Betty? Hello?

I’m a freshman. I really like a senior. What should I do? 

—Melanie

Melanie, I’m going to assume we’re talking about a senior in high school and not some bingo-loving geriatric covered in liver spots, right?  So first things first: Get in the kitchen and bake three dozen cookies. I’m thinking oatmeal raisin. No, better make it snickerdoodles. Then wait one night until everyone is out of the house and invite this senior over. When the senior gets to your house—and this is vitally important—make sure he enters through the sliding glass door and comes into the kitchen. Offer him a cookie and after that you can let Chris Hanson from Dateline’s To Catch a Predator do all the talking.

I just started watching porn and I’m addicted. Know any good sites for porn videos or photos?

—Jessica

What would Hannah Montana think? I’m equal parts shocked and offended by your question, but what the heck, I’ll answer it. Finding porn on the Internet is like trying to find water in the ocean. If you’re having trouble, check that your computer is actually plugged in. After that, porn should just magically find you, like ants to a picnic or a Jehovah’s Witness to your doorbell. Even typing the word “porn” has probably just added both of our names to a spam list to have something lengthened or enhanced.

How can I convince my parents to let me get a Facebook?

—Sarah-Catherine

A Facebook? What are you, Amish? First of all we (and by “we” I mean us folks with indoor plumbing who don’t curdle our own cheese), we don’t call it “a” or “the” Facebook. It’s simply Facebook as in ”Hey, Dave, stop looking at Facebook for five seconds and actually get some work done.” Secondly, having a Facebook page isn’t really that big of a deal. Heck, even I have a Facebook page. (I was actually “Dave” in that earlier scenario. I just changed my name to protect my own innocence.) So your parents said you can’t get a Facebook page? Big whoop. Get one anyway. If you get busted, just tell your parents you were looking at Internet porn with Jessica.

There’s a guy I have liked since, like, last year. But there’s a problem. He has a girlfriend.

—Erica

Erica, I went through this exact same situation back in 1981. I had a friend name Jessie. He was a good friend of mine, but Jessie’s got himself a girl and I want to make her mine. Everybody now: You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl! Where can I find a woman like that? Like Jessie’s girl! Thank you Inland Empire, good night!

Contact Jeff Girod at dudeitsjeff@gmail.com.


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