Nonsense! You’re never too old, too fat or too drunk to put on a Shrek costume and beg for miniature candy bars from complete strangers, then snatch a broom out of your kitchen and “fly” around your neighbor’s front lawn.
Now the first question to ask yourself before picking out a Halloween costume is are you, in fact, a slut? Because if you are, great news! There are a bevy of Halloween costume options already at your disposal. Sexy nurse, sexy maid, sexy schoolteacher; Take almost any normal profession and put “sexy” in front of it and presto! You have yourself a Halloween costume. (That reminds me: sexy magician is another fine choice.)
Apparently the folks who created Halloween have spent a lot of time inside strip clubs. So go ahead, and embrace your inner sexy lady cop! (Just don’t embrace any actual sexy lady cops or you just might wind up in a jail cell where being a “sexy inmate” isn’t a good idea but should make you very popular with the other prisoners.)
“But, Jeff,” you say, “I don’t have an inner stripper to embrace. I’m an innocent church-goer burdened with cankles and disproportionately wide hips.” Never fear, my misfortunately shaped friend. There are costumes aplenty for even the chastest.
Always crowd-pleasers are superhero costumes, and thanks to recent advancements in foam technology, you don’t have to worry about having a ripped six-pack or bulging biceps to fill out a pair of tights. Any mere mortal can instantly transform himself into the Man of Steel with a fake foam chest. It’s like a Wonderbra for men with a giant “S” painted across it. And it’s about time there was a male enhancement that came with a cape and a mask instead of the sudden risk of heart failure or an erection that lasts longer than four hours which, incidentally, was the plot of the seldom-seen Batman Forever.
Another big hit this Halloween is sure to be Michael Jackson. Is he black? Is he white? Is Billie Jean’s kid really my son? Who cares? Just put on the red vinyl jacket with the zippers, Bedazzle a gardening glove and get ready to haul in the Almond Joys!
Never fails that people like to dress up like a celebrity who has just died, no matter how recent or tasteless. Last year it was Heath Ledger as the Joker. And the year before that it was Britney Spears’ singing career, Tom Cruise’s sanity and Kelly Clarkson’s waistline.
What with the economic recession, some folks may not be able to afford an expensive costume for Halloween. That’s OK because Halloween is surprisingly recession-friendly. Everybody loves a hobo, so just tie a bandana to the end of a stick, get yourself a cigar and, boom, there’s your costume. One word of caution: Since it’s a recession, you may run into some actual hobos who will misinterpret your costume as a way of mocking their homelessness. A handy way to tell the actual hobos from the costumed revelers: The real ones smell less like candy corn and more like a mixture of Early Times, craziness and urine.
And one last word about costumes: For the love of the Great Pumpkin and all that is candy-coated please, oh please, DO NOT DRESS UP YOUR PETS. It is no less cruel and inhumane than what NFL player Michael Vick did to those pit bulls. You’ve see When Animals Attack. They probably attacked because somebody tried to dress one up like a sunflower. Even the smallest, cuddliest kitten secretly wants to rip the flesh off an idiot’s face for stuffing it into a Wal-Mart plushy onesie shaped like a ladybug.
So remember, everyone, Halloween can be a lot of fun if we remember a few simple rules:
Not all nurses are sluts, but most sluts have posed as nurses.
Always smell a hobo before attempting to give him candy.
And if you see an angry dachshund dressed like a caterpillar, run for your freakin‘ life.
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.