Final Word

Posted November 12, 2009 in News

Break out the bottled water and glow sticks because things have officially turned desperate. Apparently local schools and clinics have started just giving away the vaccine for H1N1 like it’s a CD for 50 free hours of AOL. That’s right. You can get a swine flu shot for FREE (or damn near) by just flashing a little skin, which can only mean one thing . . . 


There must be something horribly wrong with the swine flu shot.


Call it the Law of Too Good to Be True: If something’s free, there’s bound to be a line. And if there’s still no line, even when something’s free, then there’s definitely something wrong with the freebie.


It’s like when your friend is eating out of a carton of Chinese food, sniffs it and then suddenly asks, “You want this? Otherwise I’m throwing it away.” Oh, well, thanks for the convincing sales pitch, Billy Mays, but I think I’m going to pass. Do you have any other garbage you’d like to offer me first? A Band-Aid? Some used motor-oil? Any baby teeth you may have lying underneath an old pillow?


Sure, there’s got to be something wrong with the swine flu shot. It’s the only logical explanation. Why else would they just be giving it away? Maybe it makes you sick, or maybe it makes everything takes like Bac~Os. (On second thought, a shot that made everything taste like bacon would be way better than a regular flu shot.) 


Either way, I get the feeling the swine flu shot doesn’t work the way its makers intended.


If the H1N1 shot could actually prevent the swine flu, you wouldn’t be able to get it for free. Holy crap it would be on eBay and you’d need a PayPal account and bionic clicky reflexes to “Buy It Now!”


Forget eBay, the shot would have its own game show hosted by Howie freakin‘ Mandel and 30 hotties would be dressed like sexy nurses in stripper pumps with numbered steel briefcases. Pick the right briefcase and instead of a million bucks, Howie would pull your pants down right there on stage and pop you in the patootie with a novelty-sized needle. 


And you know what? You wouldn’t care that your bare ass cheeks were being broadcast live from coast to coast. Why? Because people have actually died from swine flu. D-I-E-D. And you can bet, if there was a guarantee that you could somehow live the rest of your life footloose and swine-free, baby you’d let Howie Mandel poke you wherever he dang well pleased.


But that’s just it. Nobody believes the swine flu shot works. In fact, a lot of us are concerned it may actually GIVE US the swine flu. At the very least, we’re willing to take our chances on our own: Hmm, I don’t have swine flu now. I’ve never had swine flu before. So why ruin a good thing by going to a clinic that could be all, I don’t know, swine fluey? (That may not be the technical term for it, but you see where I’m going.) 


It probably takes a certain amount of the swine flu germ to manufacture the vaccine and what if they put too much germ in my dose? Seems like I’m better off just washing my hands thoroughly with Neutrogena antibacterial soap. The only proven side effect to that is soft clean hands that smell like a summer’s day. 


And I’m no doctor but one thing I do know is that Will Smith makes a convincing summer blockbuster, or have we learned nothing from I Am Legend? The whole premise of Legend centers on government-enforced inoculations that turn people into zombies. And I don’t know about you, but I’m too damn lazy to become a zombie: Chasing all the super energetic, non-zombie people around, trying to remember when it’s dark outside so we can limp around some more, dragging our gimp legs, laying traps for Will Smith and his adorable Legend German Shepherd. That’s a lot of work. 


And it seems like we could avoid all of this mess if we just agree not to get swine flu shots. So c’mon, who’s with me?! (Unless it makes everything taste like bacon because then I’m still kind of open to the idea.)


Contact Jeff Girod at


Be the first to comment!

You must be logged in to post a comment.