I have a subscription to Men’s Health magazine because, even though I don’t exercise regularly, I like to keep pace with the latest trends in chest waxing. Plus it’s nice to have a monthly reminder mailed directly to my house that I’m going to die soon. (So far I’m leaning toward heart attack by trans fats, but there’s always the chance I’ll keel over first from mad cow disease. Smokey delicious mad cow, it puts the “mmm” back in “moo.”)
Recently the cover of Men’s Health featured a full-page photo of actor Ewan McGregor, star of such hit films as . . .
OK, truth be told I always get Ewan McGregor mixed with up Jude Law because both usually star in movies I wouldn’t see if my genitals were Super Glued to a cannonball and fired down the aisle of a movie theater. The only film I’m certain Ewan McGregor has ever actually been in is that remake of Star Wars because he’s personally responsible for ruining what was previously thought to be an indestructible billion-dollar franchise.
Seriously man, how do you screw up Star Wars? Just pretend to fly around outer space like a badass, fire your laser gun at stormtroopers and goose the occasional Ewok. You don’t even have to act. It’s all special effects. Just flap your arms around, make “whooshing” sounds and George Lucas draws in a lightsaber later. Even that fat kid on the YouTube video was semi-entertaining.
Where was I? Right. Ewan McGregor’s on the cover of Men’s Health next to the headline “Life in Balance” and the subhead “The plan for a stronger, fitter, healthier you.” Next to it is a smiling picture of that smug bastard in a $500 cashmere T-shirt and a quote from the Jedi Master himself: “There’s so much out there if you’re up for the adventure.”
Up for the adventure? I haven’t even opened the magazine yet and already I want to kick Ewan in the crotch with my foot set on hyperspeed. That might not be what McGregor would describe as living “life in balance,” but as I flip to the cover story and start reading Ewan’s “Six Simple Rules for Living” I realize that reality and me have very little in common with Ewan (pronounced “douche bag”). Here’s a rundown of Ewan’s six “rules:”
Rule #1: Fear will Destroy You. To illustrate this point, Ewan tells a story about how everyone warned him not to drive in Mexico, but he did anyway because, how did he put it, “it’s beautiful.” I can only imagine since Ewan is a big-time movie star that his idea of “roughing it in Mexico” is taking the Hummer golf cart from the massage cabana all the way to the margarita cantina at an all-inclusive Sandals resort. And technically it wasn’t in Mexico, but they did serve guacamole.
Rule #2: Beat Your Brother. Ewan was considered the “slacker” in his family, according to Men’s Health, so he set out to prove them all wrong. Ewan, I’m sure your loser brother appreciates you making him one of your Six Rules. Hell, why didn’t you just make him Rule No. 1, you prick?
Rule #3: Choose Not To. McGregor quit smoking eight years ago after just one session with a hypnotherapist. Hypnosis, eh? Hey Ewan, listen to me. You’re getting sleepy. Sle-e-e-epy. Now stop making craptastic movies and picking on your semi-retarded brother.
Rule #4: Run for Your Life. Ewan runs 5 miles a day, but sometimes he pushes it to 8. You could run that far, too, if a Mexican servant boy was carrying you on his back.
Rule #5: Choose Your Women Wisely. Says Ewan, “If you spend too much time ‘working’ on your relationship, I don’t think it’s a relationship worth being in. With [my wife] I never had to work.” You know who does have to work? Ewan’s maid, butler, chauffeur, his kids’ nannies, personal assistant, chef, trainer, masseuse, gardener, bodyguard, spiritual advisor . . .
Rule #6: Picture Yourself in a Boat on a River. What the hell? This one doesn’t even make any sense. Not even for Ewan. How about “Look both ways before crossing the street” or “Never make crazy eyes at a hobo.” Or better yet: “Don’t take advice from a coddled Scottish Star Wars reject with no clue about a real man’s health.”
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org