Final Word

Posted December 23, 2009 in News

Less than a week till New Year’s Day and it’s a time of remembrance, a time of quiet reflection, a time to get stinking drunk on peppermint schnapps, strip down to your undies and streak down the street like Baby New Year 2010.


We’re days away from the last year of the first decade of the 21st century. Wow. Can you believe it? That sounds so modern, so futuristic, and yet as I look around I’m completely disappointed at all the crappy stuff in my life that technology should have improved by now. 


Way to drop the ball, scientists. Forget discovering another new planet. Someone in a lab coat seriously needs to invent me a jet pack. And where are all the freaking robots? People from the 1940s would be so disappointed, you know, if they weren’t already dead because the cures for heart attacks and cancer haven’t been discovered yet either. 


It’s almost 2010 people. So why don’t we have death rays that shoot laser beams or doors that slide up and vanish into the ceiling like on the old Star Trek? Where are the air-conditioned space suits you never have to wash, the tiny capsules that taste like a Thanksgiving turkey and the robot maids that people might possibly — and I’m not necessarily talking about myself here — try to have sex with?


What about the hologram televisions? Or the hovercrafts? Or the hovercraft hologram televisions?


And where is the DeLorean that travels back in time whenever you accelerate to 88 miles per hour to foil Biff the town bully, thereby ensuring that your parents get together at the Enchantment Under the Sea high school dance where you jump on stage and introduce the kids to rock ‘n’ roll music years before Chuck Barry, all set to a catchy if not overly original soundtrack by Huey Lewis & the News?


20-freaking-10 and I’m still getting burnt bagels stuck in the toaster, suffering from ring around the collar and flossing with a piece of flavored string. String! What are we, cavemen?


Thirty years ago, the seven-year-old version of myself would have been devastated if you told him that by 2010 none of his body parts would be bionic. At the very least, by now I should own a bionic dog. 


Of course, we can’t communicate with a seven-year-old version of myself or anyone else because time machines haven’t been invented yet either. Seriously, scientists, what the heck have you been doing since finding the cure for polio?


Now granted, the last few years have not been without their technological advances. I would argue that if we’re going to award a Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama, we should also give some kind of award to the inventors of the iPod, TiVo and whoever came up with the imaginary yellow line to designate a first down in football games.


The Internet is all well and good, too, but we haven’t had a man on the moon in 37 years and I have yet to taste a light beer with half the calories but all the great taste of a regular beer. 


Let’s step it up, scientists! Start inventing more cool stuff faster. The goal is to modernize my life to the point that it becomes so convenient that I never have to actually, you know, move. Essentially I want to become just like a coma patient without all the balloons and sympathy cards.


It’s already 2010, people. At the rate I’m eating cheese and not jogging, I’ll be lucky to see 2045. And I don’t know what kinds of things they’re teaching over at MIT, Harvard and Yale, but how about a little less Shakespeare and little more jet pack technology? 


Face it. Life’s a pain in the ass. And what’s the point of living in a cool-sounding year like 2010 (suck it, Dark Ages!) if we’re not going to have all the high-tech futuristic swag that should go along with it?


I’m not asking for much, scientists, just the ability to fly and become invisible whenever I want. Oh, and I want to be able to move things with my mind. 


See what you can get invented by 2011. ‘K, thanks.


Contact Jeff Girod at


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