Call it the facts of life, call it the birds and the bees, but whatever you call it, when it’s between the sheets and behind closed doors it’s best to just let Mother Nature take its course. To celebrate our passion for the erotic and the intimate, let our annual Sex Issue be your quick-and-dirty guide to the latest and greatest in carnal knowledge. But if you make an O-face, you’re taking this issue a little bit too seriously. Enjoy . . .
Getting It On(line): CRAIGSLIST BOOTY CALLS
In the pre-Internet days, most people looking for casual sex went to bars to score some action. What better way to hook up than to try your luck at a fancy cocktail lounge or a sleazy dive bar, depending on what kind of booty call you’re in the mood for? Well things have changed drastically since the phenom known as Craigslist. What began as an email distribution list among friends in the mid-’90s, has now morphed into a digital classifieds section based in over 700 cities and countries. Of course, there are dangers with using a website for hooking up—just Google “Craigslist Killer” to find the story of an East Coast string of murders in which the suspect allegedly used “adult” services ads to find his victims. Then there’s the issue of using the site to abuse and exploit minors. In 2007, Atlanta Mayor Shirley Franklin began a campaign to make Craigslist change their warning advisories on certain questionable posts and be more assertive in preventing these types of cybercrimes. Oh, and did we mention how prostitution rings are thriving allegedly by using Craigslist ads? On the kookier side, there’s the recent story of a woman from Pennsylvania who posted an ad on Craigslist to trade sex for World Series tickets. The moral of this story? When it comes to trying your luck in a search for action use common sense. Meet in public, be aware of your surroundings and use caution when meeting someone via Craigslist. Unless you’ve got World Series tickets, that is. (Alex Distefano)
The Big Tease: BUCKINGHAM BURLESQUE
While subtlety has never been exotic dancing’s meat-and-potatoes, there’s a school of thought that says that it’s what you don’t see that’ll really thrill your pickle. That and a heavy steeping in the art of music, theater and a mature vein of performing arts. That’s where burlesque comes in. And no one does this vaudeville-meets-erotic floor show better than Buckingham Burlesque—the longest running show of its kind in the Pomona Valley. What’s in a name, you ask? Jeez, where to start; Buckingham’s roster currently features Kitten De Ville, Dirty Martini (we’ll drink to that, er, her), Eliza Bane and Erochica Bamboo. Want to see these voluptuous, sensual gals in the flesh? Try the “Fox Follies” which hits the Fox Theater later this month. Nothing skeezy, just tease-y. Hey, when we mean art of seduction, we mean “art.” So dress to impress. You do want to impress the ladies, don’t ya? (Matt Tapia)
“Fox Follies” at Fox Theater Pomona, 301 S. Garey Ave., Pomona; www.myspace.com/buckinghamburlesque, www.foxpomona.com. Feb. 26. Doors open 8PM. Tickets $20-$30. 18+.
Sharing is Caring: YOUPORN
For all its many faults, you have to give it up to pornography for being a driver of technological development. The porn industry rarely invents stuff, but it’s great at exploiting someone else’s invention to the next level. Take the night-vision function on the average video camera, for example. Initially an afterthought by its mainstream creators, the function is now ubiquitous because pornographers immediately recognized its hidden (cam) potential. Come up with any piece of innovation, and porn will figure out a way to turn it into a sex toy. Such is the case with the relatively recent phenomenon of video-sharing websites. What began with sites like YouTube as a way to get Grandma’s 90th birthday party seen by millions rapidly morphed into the Age of You, when anyone with a camcorder has a shot at becoming America’s next Chad Vader. Society hadn’t even begun to absorb the ramifications of that when out, like a tit just waiting for a tat, popped YouPorn.com—an adult video-sharing site where you’ll see things previously unseen at Grandma’s birthday party. Unless your grandma happens to be Annie Sprinkle. If you’ve never heard of YouPorn and the many copycats that have spawned around it, then God bless you—or at least the parental filters your mate has no doubt installed on your browser—because their popularity is astonishing. According to Alexa.com, a web-traffic tracking site, nine of the top 100 websites in the world are either adult file-sharing services or close facsimiles thereof. The genre has evolved so quickly that even YouPorn—just two years after being cited as the largest free porn provider on the Internet—has been overtaken in popularity by no less than three copycat sites. (David Silva)
To see what we’re talking about, go to:
www.youporn.com or www.alexa.com.
Employee Bonuses: HOOKING UP AT WORK
While getting a blow-job in the senior management bathroom—from a senior manager—had its porn-ish plus points, I was unaware (having previously been a freelancer) that workplace hook-ups are kinda taboo. Perhaps with good reason. I way-too-swiftly married that bawdy boss, but when the union spectacularly disintegrated months later, our co-workers enjoyed an orgy of humiliating gossip (it didn’t help that some of our most dramatic marital meltdowns occurred at work-related events). And then there was the joy of working at the same small office as my estranged wife during a grinding divorce (I eventually took a costly hiatus from that job). Even casual co-worker encounters can cast lingering shadows. Waking-up next to a naked sales rep in a Mexican motel room wasn’t the worst start to a New Year, but then I kinda fell for her. As our desks were only feet apart and she soon started a serious relationship with another staffer, the torment far outweighed the titillation. And when our buxom blonde marketing director—the sternest gal in the building—started requesting lunchtime trysts, I wasn’t to know she’d become a sobbing waif when I ended these. However, my one-night fondle-fest with a surgically-enhanced IT gal was grown-up, uncomplicated—and we’re still great friends. So while workplace romance carries a health warning it, like love itself, apparently knows few rules. (Jon Swift)
Swap Meet: SWINGERS’ CLUBS
I must confess that the only swinging I’ve ever done is in a park. Yet across the country and the world tons of sane rational people get together to swap sexual partners. They do it to “spice up” their relationship or to get “some strange.” And I say, God Bless ’um, even if the most likely way swinging will spice up the average relationship is by ending it. So swing baby, swing. In the Inland Empire the swinging’s easy. There are swingers’ clubs in Ontario, Pomona, Riverside, and Berdoo—they’re swinging in Lake Arrowhead too. There are swingers’ clubs for African Americans and Inland Empire MySpace swingers’ networks, although the question of who’d want to swing with someone still on MySpace comes to mind. There are even clubs for mature swingers in the area, and all this after a rather cursory glance at Google—we haven’t even explored Craigslist yet. Who knew the IE swung like a broken tilt-a-whirl at the San Bernardino County Fair. I for one find it comforting that you no longer have to travel to San Francisco to watch a stranger have sex with your wife or girlfriend. (Bill Gerdes)
Bare Necessities: STRIP CLUBS
There’s a saying about as old as a pair of fake tits that says, “Diamonds are of most value that have passed through most jewelers’ hands. Strippers by that rule, are precious.” The Inland Empire definitely has its fair share of long-legged ponies that can rock the pole (pun intended). Ironically enough, Angel’s Gentleman’s Club in Corona is filled with chicks that are more like 20 percent angel and 80 percent devil, but it kinda comes with the territory. I hear the grub isn’t the best, but really, who goes to a strip club for the food anyway? When dive meets dames, you get Club 215 in Colton. Now it’s not the place to bring your fedora, on the contrary, a hard hat would probably be more appropriate, but it’s a chill spot to grab a quick beer and check out some chicks. But when it comes down to brass tacks, all signs point to Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club in Redlands. Booze, broads and $2 steaks; everything a growing boy needs. On arrival you catch the smell of that generic stripper perfume that everyone swears is dispensed from a five-gallon bottle located somewhere behind the scenes. Now this is the place to fall in love with some chick who calls herself Phoenix, and you’ll swear she was hotter than a bottle of Sriracha—though you won’t be able to recall what her face looks like when we all know her face isn’t what you were looking at. Even though you’ll probably leave with your pockets turned out, you’ll have a silly grin to make up for it. Keep this in mind next time you’ve got the craving to change a couple 20s into a bankroll of ones and check out a few hot dancers. Just don’t pull a Mr. Pink and be sure to tip your strippers well; we gotta put these girls through college. (John A. Waterman)
Angel’s Gentlemen Club, 1650 E. Sixth St., Corona, (951) 371-0738; www.myspace.com/angelsbar.
Club 215, 2680 S. La Cadena Dr., Colton, (909) 824-2971.
Fantasy Topless, 1091 S. La Cadena Dr., Colton, (909) 370-1574.
Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club, 1331 W. Colton Ave., Redlands, (909) 798-6330; www.hustlerclubs.com.
Spearmint Rhino, 312 S. Riverside Ave., Rialto, (909) 873-2257; www.spearmintrhino.com. 18+
Head Shots: SEXTING
There’s a reason hormone-riddled teens enthusiastically sext: It’s easy. Thanks to fancy 21st-century phones, it’s never been easier for normally dirty-talk deficient adults to indulge their inner porn stars with a few finger taps. The same prim and proper administrative assistant who splashed a seabreeze in your face if you said something inappropriate at a party is the very same one telling you how much she likes your !@#k the next thanks to sexting. And the greatest thing is, it’s hard to be bad at it. When in age-appropriate hands, sexting can help couples—or f-buddies—explore their own sexual boundaries. And those who would never consider even a boudoir picture in the past are snapping sexty shots on their smartphones that would make their pussycats blush. And somehow, even with the physical distance making as little as heavy petting difficult, it’s even naughtier, and dangerous. For all the successful simulated sexual ecstasy there are plenty of sexting-gone-wrong sagas, for teens and adults. The same garter-a-go-go pinup shot sent on a Chardonnay-fueled late night when your potential beau is on a business trip may not go over so well later when you find out a by-then ex forwarded it on to his drinking buddies, one of whom knows your boss. Yeah, we know—way to kill the mood. But the risk also makes it that much hotter. In the right hands, it can become literary lasciviousness. First times can look to erotic lit as sort of flirtext CliffNotes. When wifey is in the middle of a boring meeting, or hubs is out with the boys, send a little note to let him or her know how much you enjoyed their [insert noun here] in your [you know what to do] and you may end up with an encore performance. And remember, a picture is worth a thousand dirty words. (Shawn Smith)
Mate Me To Your Leader: POLITICAL SEX SCANDALSSadly, the IE will never get lucky (hey, that’s a pun—get it?) and experience the type of Monica Lewinsky/Bill Clinton-level political sex scandal that this region clearly deserves. That being said, it’s not that this area hasn’t had its incidents of hanky-panky allegedly committee by People in Positions of Power. The juiciest accusations comes from a San Bernardino County employee named Cheryl Ristow who claims she and DA Mike Ramos—who is married—had a 17-month affair that ended in 2005. She went on further to allege she received unwanted advances from the top prosecutor and Ristow has since filed a legal claim, alleging sexual harassment. Not to be outdone, another former San Bernardino County employee, Jim Erwin, has also contended with alleged indiscretions of the horizontal lambada nature. Erwin, who’s currently embroiled in a corruption investigation involving his stint with the assessor’s office, ran into hassle when his affair with then-county Human Resources Director Elizabeth Sanchez became public in 2004—a violation of personnel rules and a misstep since Sanchez was the county’s labor negotiator during contract talks with the sheriff’s deputies union rep—Erwin. Last year, Erwin landed on the naughty radar again when he was prosecuted for failing to report a Rolex watch and expensive trips to New York and D.C.—complete with a New Jersey “escort” service. Now that’s connecting with voters. (George Donovan)
Au Naturale: ROMANCE IN PUBLIC
You know a view is spectacular when it actually makes you forget you’re having full-blown intercourse. Well, I wasn’t altogether unaware that I was shagging, but the panoramic vista from our rocky, precarious perch near the top of the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway was certainly distracting. Recommended, and a great party tale, but take the time to find a truly secluded spot away from all those happily hiking families. Another memorable choice—hers, not mine—was a lifeguard station on Venice Beach. Though it was after dark, there were still passers-by—most of who apparently assumed that we were in the midst of some sort of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation drill. Baywatch should’ve been like this. Parking structures are outdoor sex staples, but know three words first: closed circuit television. When my ex-wife and I drunkenly opted for a level 3 knee-trembler below a Vegas hotel, we provided the security guard with a private show that, years later, might have been a YouTube sensation for an afternoon. And I won’t easily forget driving through the desert in a rented convertible while a Daisy Duke look-alike in a Stars-and-Stripes bikini, er, “shifted my stick.” Seldom has so much air been pumped into so many horns by so many truckers. (Jon Swift)
Dressed To Thrill: REVEALING CLOTHING
I had a long-term boyfriend who used to just rent movies and buy flowers on Valentine’s Day, so when we broke up and I started having other Valentines, I didn’t really know what to wear on a typical Valentine’s Day date. I went from over dressed to under dressed, extremely uncomfortable to too comfortable and on one occasion I learned that just because it’s Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t mean you have to dress like a hooker; that’s what Halloween is for. So over the years, I realized that while it’s fun to go a little sexier than usual, it’s also highly important not to wear stiletto heels while hiking up hills to romantic picnic spots. In other words, dress appropriately. If you’re unsure of what the date might entail, play it safe with a little black dress and low or broken-in heels. And while that dress can be a little low cut, save the sexy for later because chances are you won’t be the only couple in the restaurant and you wouldn’t want to spoil the dessert. As for afterhours, I’ve always been a bra-and-panties girl and Valentine’s Day has always been a good excuse to wear red, but more or less it’s entirely up to what you’re comfortable with and what makes you feel confident. Thongs can be hot, but not when you’re constantly feeling and acting like you have a wedgie. And of course, no granny panties—leave those for the novelty cupids. (Lynn Lieu)
To help with your sexy get-up, go to www.romantixonline.com or check out one of these Romantix Adult Boutique locations:
Romantix, 14589 Valley Blvd., Fontana, (909) 350-4717.
Romantix, 835 E. Foothill Blvd., Rialto, (909) 820-6315.
Romantix, 3945 Market St., Riverside, (951) 788-5194.