Final Word

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Posted February 11, 2010 in News

President Obama is catching heat after saying—get this—you shouldn’t spend money you don’t have

 

“When times are tough, you tighten your belts,” Obama said. “You don’t blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you’re trying to save for college.”

 

Since then, everybody from Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (a Democrat) to Nevada lawmakers and business leaders have been throwing spades at Obama for picking on poor little ol‘ Las Vegas.

“The President needs to lay off Las Vegas and stop making it the poster child for where people shouldn’t be spending their money,” Reid said.

 

It has gotten so bad Obama finally had to issue an apology. And I like to rip politicians as much as the next guy, but c’mon . . . Obama’s right! “Vegas,” “blow” and “cash” go together like Fat Elvis in a sequined jumpsuit. 

 

Nobody’s going to Vegas for the $3.99 steak and eggs, or to see everybody’s favorite comedienne Rita Rudner (performing nightly at Harrah’s).

 

There’s a reason the motto is “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” and it has nothing to do with responsible spending. Hell, there are video poker machines in the bathrooms. You can literally play craps while taking one!

 

“We rely on our tourism. It’s our major industry,” said Nevada Congresswoman Shelley Berkley. She then split her two face cards, doubled down and yelled, “Hit me!”

 

Uh, Shelley, I wouldn’t exactly call what happens in Vegas “tourism.” 

 

The Hangover, Leaving Las Vegas, Casino, Showgirls, Very Bad Things, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Ocean’s 11; All of these movies are set in Las Vegas and none of them include scenes of the main characters taking a jaunty “tour” of the Hoover Dam.

 

They used to have tourism in Vegas. But it died of gonorrhea and alcohol poisoning.

 

Vegas is just like a Chuck E. Cheese’s for adults, except replace all the pepperoni pizza and skee-ball with legalized prostitution. 

 

If I want to bang a hooker, I’m going to Vegas.

 

If I want to dump a body, I’m going to Vegas. 

 

If I want to bang a hooker then dump her body, I’m going to Vegas.

 

Vegas is Sin City. Vegas is the Wild West. Vegas is the birthplace of neon lights, slot machines and pasties and it’s where innocence goes to die after about 17 Jack and Cokes, five cigars and a 3 a.m. shirtless footrace versus a homeless gentleman. (Don’t ask why. It just made sense to me at the time.)

 

I’ve been to Vegas more than a half-dozen times and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen the sun. Seen plenty of moons though.

 

You know why so many people hold their bachelor and bachelorette parties in Vegas? Because it’s the only city in the world where you can cram a lifetime’s worth of not being married into one weekend. You figure if someone is still willing to look across the altar at the quivering, scraggly, penniless shell you’ve become after surviving 48 hours of alcohol, nicotine and drug-induced debauchery, you’re the one holding two of a kind. 

 

Those pale white tigers Siegfried & Roy used to use in their act? That’s what most people look like after two nights in Vegas.

 

I’m sure Las Vegas has a lot of legitimate businesses that are suffering during this recession, but so does every other city in the United States. So spare me the line about how Obama’s comments are “hurting” the economy of Las Vegas. The Inland Empire’s economy is hurting, too, and we have 13 casinos counting Palm Springs. But don’t cry too hard for an industry that makes its living profiting off suckers who can’t add or subtract. 

If you don’t have $50, don’t bet it all on roulette.

 

If you don’t have $50, don’t get a table dance.

 

Obama shouldn’t have to apologize for stating what should be obvious to every adult who isn’t a mathematically challenged nincompoop: You will have a very, very good time in Las Vegas and when you leave Las Vegas you will probably be hung-over and a lot poorer, because gambling is hard and strippers don’t love you for your personality.

 

Then again, try convincing me of that at 3 a.m.

 

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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