Final Word

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Posted March 18, 2010 in News

Talk about hot under the collar: 

 

A man in Lancaster was recently stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after asking a woman to hang up her cell phone during a screening of the film Shutter Island, according to The Associated Press.

 

The victim reportedly had complained about a woman sitting nearby who was talking on her phone during the movie. The woman left with two men, but the men returned minutes later and stabbed the victim in the neck with the meat thermometer.

 

A meat thermometer! In some ways, I think I’d rather have a knife or even a gun pulled on me, because there’s no gauging the mindset of a wacko who walks around concealing a meat thermometer.

 

“Let see here, getting ready to leave the house. Do I have everything? Wallet? Check. Car keys? Check. Oh, and I don’t want to forget a giant stabby thermometer because I never know when I might want to inflict massive bodily harm while simultaneously checking the internal temperature of, you know, beef.”

 

Just how far were these psychos willing to take their cooking/mugging fetish? “Give me all your money! But first rub this cube of butter on your naked parts and stick this Granny Smith apple in your mouth. And do it all nice and slowly because the oven still has to preheat to 450 degrees. Now help me on with my apron.” 

 

Other seemingly harmless household items that could double as a mugger’s disturbing weapon of choice: melon baller, shoehorn, toilet scrubber. I don’t know how much damage a melon baller, shoehorn or toilet scrubber would actually do in a physical confrontation, but if someone ever cornered me in a dark alley with a melon baller, I’d hand over my wallet, no questions asked.

 

What’s even more fascinating is the two men who attacked the victim felt they needed to leave the theater to get the meat thermometer and then come back—as if the meat thermometer gave them the decided advantage they were otherwise lacking. Um guys, there were two of you, plus you had the element of surprise, plus it was dark and the victim was facing away from you watching a movie. What kind of Food Network loving pussies are you? Given those kinds of odds, even Rachael Ray could’ve kicked the victim’s ass.

 

The real tragedy in this whole incident is that the wrong person got shanked in the neck. (Or is it shivved? I really should watch more prison movies.) Not that I’m condoning neck stabbings, but plenty of times I’ve been at the movies when some Chatty Cathy is sitting nearby and, come to think of it, a meat thermometer seems like the perfect silencer.

 

What are you doing on a cell phone during a movie anyway? Do you not understand the concept of how movie theaters work? This isn’t like watching TV in your living room, otherwise nobody would pay $10 for the privilege of being here, and we’d all be in our underwear and farting. 

 

I might start carrying a meat thermometer around myself. Sure. Why not? I mean it’s not like there’s a law against holstering cooking implements. Well, not yet anyway. Then if someone starts talking in a theater, I don’t even have to use it. I’ll just pull out the meat thermometer and slowly start waving it back and forth menacingly. And I don’t know about you, but that would be enough to clam me right the hell up. 

 

A meat thermometer could prove useful in all sorts of scenarios: Cutting in line, merging in traffic, getting the waiter’s attention at a high-class French restaurant. You pull out an 8-inch, stainless steel sharpened meat thermometer and, baby, people are going to know you mean business.

 

Now let’s say you’re in a job interview and a potential employer asks why you’re the perfect candidate for the job. You don’t even say a word. Just reach into your vest pocket and bam! Slam that bad boy down on the table. 

 

A meat thermometer—sure!—it’s the perfect attention grabber in any situation. Now that’s worth telling a friend about it. (Just wait until after the movie’s over.)

 

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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