Final Word

Posted March 4, 2010 in News

A dog? You can’t handle a dog!


That’s according to a new law, proposed in England, that would require every dog owner to first take a competency test to prove they can handle owning a pet. 


Now usually I hate tests and stuff from any country that doesn’t rhyme with “Flamerica.” But this testing idea? Jolly spot o‘ genius, England!


“But wait a minute, Jeff, isn’t testing to own a dog an impingement of our personal freedom?” 


Well sure it is! (And nice use of the word  “impingement” by the way.)


But as the great English orator George Michael once said, “Freedom: You gotta give for what you take.” Then George Michael disappeared into a public park restroom for three whole hours and gave and took, and gave and took, through a hole in a wall.


But in between all the lewd sex with what turned out to be an undercover cop, George Michael had a good point: Turns out freedom isn’t for everybody because, well, we’re a society full of dumb asses.


England’s right. Some of us can’t handle even owning a dog. And dogs are easy. Heck you ever see Lassie? Lassie’s master, Timmy, was a helpless little imbecile who was always falling down a well or getting trapped in an abandoned mine shaft. And even Timmy pulled his crap together long enough to change Lassie’s food and water. 


And speaking of crap . . . That’s really all a responsible dog owner has to do: Pick up poo, pour food in a bowl and make sure your dog doesn’t run out into traffic. 


Occasionally you bring home a bone, toss around a Frisbee and make sure it doesn’t chew a little girl’s face off. Better yet, that should be a question on the test to get a dog: “All of the following are acceptable to feed your dog except: A) Gravy Train B) A Milk Bone C) A third-grader.” 


For any reason if somebody answers “C,” they should also be disqualified from ever owning a firearm, ATV, leaf blower, trampoline, barbecue, Karaoke machine, Sea Doo, guitar amplifier, Nativity scene, BeDazzler or Facebook page. Because, let’s be honest, all of those items can be just as harmful in the hands of an idiot.


In fact, I think we should use this dog test as a cover to start rounding up all the idiots. Just put up a bunch of flyers that say “Freee Daggs.” Whoever shows up—that’s an idiot.


The problem with freedom is, too frequently, someone else’s freedom makes it impossible for me to enjoy my freedom. For instance, I’d like to go to a matinee without someone answering a cell phone in the theater and then reviewing the movie during the movie. Hey, Roger Ebert, I suddenly remember how this film ends: With an angry guy punching a loudmouth stranger in his cell phone talkie face.


I’d also like to know at what grocery store 47 items is even remotely close to “15 items or less.” What, did you not think we wouldn’t notice the extra 32 items? Were you rounding by 50s? Were you counting the items by food groups or primary colors?


And I’d like to know at what point it became socially acceptable to let your kids scream their heads off in public? Look, Mom, I realize your eyes look as tired as your uterus must feel, but you’re honestly going to sit there motionless and stone-faced while your six kids terrorize Target like it’s a Night of the Living Dead. If only you’d showed the same kind of superhuman Gandhi-like restraint before birthing a hockey team, hmm? 


Someone wants to test me before I can own a dog? Fine I say, bring it on. Because I know I’m going to pass a silly dog test. And, more importantly, I know it’s going to act like a gene pool filter for morons who won’t be able to get a pit bull or Rottweiler. 


So, yeah, maybe it makes society a little less free, but it also means fewer dog bites and less dog crap. And at the end of the day, that’s all I want out of life: Less crap on the bottom of my shoe. That’s a goal even Timmy can understand.


Contact Jeff Girod at


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