By Allen David
The Gambler—as in he gambled on a mean batch of plastic surgery—announces what is sure to be a rhinestone-strewn performance at the Riverside Fox Performing Arts Center for this Saturday. Sure, Kenny Rogers has sold 105 million records worldwide and that deserves some props. Plus the man knows his way around a plucked bird (you remember Kenny Rogers Roasters, don’t ya?). But to say the Ken-Man “has also become known and respected as an actor on TV and in the movies”—come on! Remember Six Pack? Coward of the County? Aren’t we stretching the truth just a wee bit, Riverside Marketing Project Manager Charva Ingram? Rogers may know his way around a pack of Bicycle cards and, let’s face it, the guy grows a beard like Lady Gaga blasphemes fashion—but the world will be a better place if we just keep The Gambler way from lights, cameras—and the next installment of VH1’s Celebrity Plastic Surgery Blunders. Just keep on roasting, Kenny.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21
Crime’s afoot in Claremont—at least according to the sternly worded “Neighborhood e-Watch” alert sent out by the Police Department. The heists in question revolves around a series of thefts targeting unlocked vehicles parked in residential driveways along the 1300 block of Woodbend Avenue, the 1100 block of Turningbend Drive, the 1700 block of Clemson Avenue, the 1300 block of Carthage Court and the 1100 block of Briarcroft Road. Among the loot: CD cases, GPS navigators and cash. There are a lot of things about this spate of robberies that really should chap the citizenry’s hide. First, who the hell thinks it’s a bright idea to keep money in an unlocked car? Fiscal responsibility? I think not. Last time I checked, B of A didn’t stand for “Bank of Acura.” Is the glove box the new wallet? But the biggest twist of the knife comes from the cops’ no-shit-Sherlock advice to local residents: “We recommend always locking unattended vehicles and do not leave valuables in unattended vehicles.” So now the truly nefarious caper goes from swiping goods from poor defenseless cars . . . to pointing out the criminally obvious. Whose is the worst crime? The dumb-asses that don’t have the good sense to use the little button on their keychain? Or the officers dishing out no-duh advice you originally got from Drivers Ed?
THURSDAY, APRIL 22
Premium cable TV fans rejoice when the folks at Mt. San Jacinto College announce that a member of its student body, a Lindsey O’Malley from Temecula, will present a paper during the May 14 Oz Conference at Cal State Fresno. Now, this prompts some serious confusion since Oz wrapped up seven years ago and last time we checked, scholarship on fictional prison life wasn’t exactly winning anyone any Fulbrights. Oh, wait—not that Oz. The other one. The one at the end of the rainbow. My bad. It seems the conference in question is oriented around the fiction of L. Frank Baum and his world of flying monkeys, hydrophobic witches and a narcoleptic farmer’s niece. No matter, there’s still bound to be something interesting and edgy about Lindsey’s work, entitled “Dualities in Wicked.” Though, to call a spade a spade, I would have much preferred a good write-up on the social implications of being a prison bitch. Now that’s wicked!
FRIDAY, APRIL 23
There are blowouts and there are blowouts. And the royal spanking the Lakers get at the hands of the Thunder is a blowout of absolutely gargantuan, monumental proportions. In some bizarre, opposite universe, this humiliating loss that leaves both teams tied up with two games apiece doesn’t bother me one bit. Yeah, reality bites.
SATURDAY, APRIL 24
Two camps are fighting it out to win the hearts and minds of folks who aren’t sure if making the Jurupa area Eastvale community into a true-blue city is best sought now… or later. “Go Eastvale” proponents butt heads with the “Not Now Eastvale” camp. What’s not reported are the factions with their own spin on this incorporation dramedy. There’s the “Maybe Later Eastvale” campaign in full swing, plus we’ve got “Just Not Feeling It Right Now Eastvale” and its sister efforts, “Hmmm, Not So Much Eastvale” and “Maybe Some Other Time Eastvale.” Ain’t democracy grand?
SUNDAY, APRIL 25
A day of rest.
MONDAY, APRIL 26
A medical-marijuana collective that operates from an RV in Norco and Corona is cited by local officers, allegedly for violating zoning laws. Stewart Hauptman and Helen Cherry run the alt-med collective and defend themselves saying their efforts are legitimate. “We really want to take care of patients,” Cherry tells Press-Enterprise writer Leslie Parrilla. “We’re not looking for the 18-year-old stoners.” But Norco City Attorney John Harper thinks what goes on inside the 1985 Pace Arrow is far from compassionate. “We don’t perceive what they do as a collective,” he intones. “They sell marijuana out of van.” And that’s a crime? Weed on wheels is the wave of the future.