By Allen David
TUESDAY, MARCH 30
Please tell me this is a joke. It’s gotta be. An early April Fools’ joke? Just days after Riverside Police Chief Russ Leach pleads guilty to driving under the influence of nearly a baker’s dozen of Miller Lites and double scotches, his own police department decides this is the perfect time to take the high road. Or do damage control. Whatever. The department issues a DUI prevention press release for a public-awareness program that “illustrates the consequences of poor choices.” Poor choices. Now that’s an interesting term. You’ll recall how this past Super Bowl Sunday Leach decided to liven up his pigskin fun. First by downing painkillers, a sedative, a muscle-relaxant and anti-anxiety drugs. Yeah, poor choices. Then, as a chaser, Leach got friendly with three or four Miller Lights. Poor choices. Then it’s off to the titty bar, and it’s at Club 215 in Colton that the chief decides to go for the gusto and pound seven orders of Chivas Regal. Then he got behind the wheel. There’re those pesky poor choices again! But the bright side is who better to teach the kids about the dangers of mixing liquor . . . with sheer idiocy? Leach resigned, his city-owned car looks like the Cloverfield monster used it for a toothpick and internal affairs is still trying to keep its composure. Hell, the city even removed Leach’s photo from the Riverside website. That’s gotta hurt. Oh, wait—Vicodin time. Might come in handy for the Riverside Police Department’s “Every 15 Minutes” program that is “designed to illustrate the far-reaching effects of driving under the influence.” Want to tackle this one, Russ?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31
The Lakers lose. Again. Even Kobe’s 28 points couldn’t save the day. But the Atlanta Hawks point-getters—let’s see, there was Joe Johnson’s 25 points, Maurice Evans’ 18 points and Jamal Crawford’s 14—come through like gangbusters to make L.A.’s finest look, uh, not-so fine with a final score of 109-92. “It’s hard to digest,” Phil Jackson says. Oh, we had no problem digesting this mathematically impossible loss. Keeping it down was the problem.
THURSDAY, APRIL 1
A GOP staffer by the name of Erik Brown gets caught with his hand in the strip-club jar. Bloggers blast political tongue-waggers with news of how this Republican go-to guy spent more than $1,900 at a sex-themed Hollywood club—and was approved for reimbursement. I’m just not sure which is less family values—having the Republican National Committee foot the bill for an eyeful of simulated S&M or the fact that the club outing was aimed to recruit eager, young men to the Red State cause. Hey, the GOP’s not called the Grand Ol‘ Party for nothing! But politics is all about who you know, right? You see, Erik Brown also has connections to our friendly neighborhood congressman Ken Calvert (R-Coronary). In fact, Brown made several hundred “connections” to Calvert’s campaign contributions last year, public records show. Ken, ya might want to check that money for glitter. Or launder it. Literally. And figuratively.
FRIDAY, APRIL 2
Is it me or are April Fools’ jokes way better the day after?
SATURDAY, APRIL 3
Shocking but true—the Inland Empire can sure look pretty. Of course, I can take this stance after spending part of the morning hiking up Mt. Rubidoux, the iconic pile of rock and dirt that separates Riverside from its unincorporated Rubidoux neighbor. The faithful flock up the mountain for Easter sunrise services or to follow a Virgen de Guadalupe procession, others do it for reasons of health and fitness. My motivation is much more secular and down-to-earth. It’s just great to rise above all the damn smog.
SUNDAY, APRIL 4
I’m sick of eating Peeps.
MONDAY, APRIL 5
OK, OK, so maybe we’re not zipping around Jetsons-style on rocket-cars and we’re nowhere near making Southwest obsolete with a Star Trek transporter. But, the good folks at San Bernardino Community College District’s Applied Technology Training Center are offering up free courses starting today in—wait for it—nanotechnology. Yes, I said nanotechnology. The science of super-duper-eenie-meenie-tiny-ass robots. Droids the size of molecules. Straight outta the X-Files. From the mind of Michael Crichton. And the real beauty of these free classes? Uncle Sam foots the bill—thanks to a $2 million federal grant. But you’ve gotta commit as those who sign up for the courses must attend about 90 hours of training. Is it worth spending roughly four days in a classroom to learn how to make Matrix-type stuff the size of a pinhead? No brainer. Johnny 5 alive!