Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted May 20, 2010 in News

Meet America’s Next Top Author: Former supermodel Tyra Banks has signed a deal to write a series of fantasy novels about the world of modeling. Because if there’s one thing we love more than hearing models talk, it’s watching them spell. 

I mean, who hasn’t stared at an ad for Victoria’s Secret lingerie and thought, “Sure, she’s attractive, but I want to know what the six-foot Amazon in the lace-back V-string thinks about three-act structure and character development. Boy, I’d like to get her down on all fours and really dig around her table of contents.”

Tyra has already finished the first book, called Modelland, which is about a teenaged girl in a make-believe society at an academy for exceptional models called Intoxibellas. It will be published in the summer of 2011 and available at your local garage sale in the fall of 2011.

Modelland? What kind of title is that for a book? It’s not even grammatically correct. It’s just two words crammed together. I can do that, too. Runwaytown. Lipstickworld. Mascaraville. We can sit here and do this all day. Or should I say, Wecansithereanddothisallday.

And what’s with the synopsis for Modelland: An academy for exceptional models? Paging J.K. Rowling. I think some washed-up crazy-assed supermodel is trying to plagiarize Harry Potter 10 years too late. Then again, Tyra is a former model. So it’s probably taken her the last decade just to finish the opening chapter of the first Harry Potter. (And don’t spoil it by telling her who kills Dumbledore, or as she affectionately calls him, “old beardie dude.”)

But Tyra has a personal message on her website, tyra.com, for anyone who doubts the magical wonderment of Modelland: [It will take] you to a fantastical place you’ve never seen, or heard about, or read about before… Where dreams come true and life can change in the blink of a smoky eye.  ;)

All I can say is wow. Just wow. If the writing in Modelland comes close to approaching the level of sophistication and emoticons contained on Tyra’s website, I may actually swallow my tongue. :p

Tyra also writes on tyra.com that “Modelland is going to really touch the dreamer in all of us, whether you’re aged anywhere from 8 to 80. (Please don’t be mad if you’re 7 or 81, but ‘8 to 80’ sounds better!)”

You know what, Tyra? It does!

And thanks for apologizing to all the 7 and 81 year-olds out there—all zero of them—who are waiting in breathless anticipation to read a trilogy of books about supernatural models flying around doing modeling stuff. I can’t go into greater detail about what else your flying models will do because, like you said, I’ve never seen, heard about or read about anything that’s going to be in Modelland.

Gosh Tyra, you’re like the Ernest Hemingway of supermodels, except with press-on nails and hair extensions, and I mean that wholeheartedly because Hemingway owned a lot of cats and you look like a cat person. Hemingway also shot himself in the head. Not that I’m trying to give you any ideas, Tyra. Then again, not like I’m not trying to give you any ideas, because I wouldn’t want to inhibit your Modelland genius.

You’re also someone who’s amassed millions of dollars by parading around in a slingshot for underwear when you were young and thin, then conveniently “retired” from modeling when you got into your thirties and discovered ice cream sandwiches. Then you cashed even more checks by telling TV talk show audiences to love their bodies even if they weren’t leggy supermodel-rific. And, now that your TV deal has run out, you’re writing a series of books glorifying the very same superficial lifestyle you just finished condemning.

What gives, Tyra? Should I be unashamed of my sagging butt, thunder thighs and unsightly love handles or should I secretly dream of one day joining the Intoxibellas at your make-believe academy for exceptional Harry Potter ripoffs?

I guess all these questions and more will be answered when Modelland is released next summer. Or I can just read Harry Potter now and imagine the same book with a more confusing plot and an unintelligible supermodel’s punctuation. :(

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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