Final Word

By Jeff Girod

Posted May 13, 2010 in News

Somebody grab a towel!

Five thousand barrels of oil a day have been gushing unchecked into the Gulf of Mexico like delicious Hershey chocolate syrup ever since April 20 when a BP oilrig bit the big one.

And since April 20 I’ve had to listen to every granola-eating, “Save the Earth” type complain about what a tragedy this oil spill is, and when are the “masses” finally going to wake up and put an end to “corporate greed.”

Corporate greed? Here, let me help you with your iPhone, Prada sunglasses and Urban Outfitters shopping bag while you lecture me some more about the evils of capitalism.

Meanwhile these same bleeding hearts are still stuffing their half-caff nonfat no-whip lattes into oversized stadium seat cup holders at your local movie theater with its surround sound and central air conditioning, not to mention its lobby with the $5 Red Vines and tubs of hot buttery popcorn goodness. And what do you think powers all of this crude stuff, hmm? Oil, baby!  Texas tea. Everything in this big damn world runs on it and stuff that doesn’t run on oil, well, that stuff sucks and nobody wants it anyway. So have fun living in a cave and hunting boars with a spear, Tarzan boy.

Do you think for one second that oil companies are purposely trying to spill oil into the ocean? Never mind the tidal wave of bad press or the nightly news footage of grease-covered baby puffins that would make you go “awww” faster than the penguin show at SeaWorld. Images like that will make a company’s stock sink faster than the Exxon Valdez. Beyond that, every drop of oil that winds up in the water is another dollar that’s not being siphoned out of your wallet. Oil is money. Oil is profit. So between bad publicity, lost revenue and the billions it costs to clean it all up, HELL YES the oil companies are taking every precaution to ensure that spillage does not occur. Screw the environment. It’s just smart business.

But even with all those safeguards locked and loaded sometimes accidents still occur. Why? Why the hell not. Wake up Frances, because the world is a big damn messy place. Did BP want to wipe out a herd of seahorses? Of course not. But unless you have Aquaman’s shell phone on speed dial, sometimes bad things happen.

“But it’s not right!” Sure it’s not, Captain Obvious. Here’s a Kleenex.

And it’s a lot of easier to rail against some faceless corporation and blame the establishment or the big bad Republicans, whoever they are, than to take any actual big boy ownership and admit that—holy crap!—we’re all partly responsible for the oil spill. So grab the Handi Wipes and start rubbing because everybody’s getting a little dirty here.

It’s the cost of doing business. It’s the politics of dancing. It’s the trade we make when we decide we want to sleep indoors and not walk everywhere. And you know what? I think it it’s a pretty damn good swap because walking everywhere and being outdoors all the time sucks ass.

Granted, thousands of miles of coastline and natural habitat have been destroyed. And you know what my reaction is? So freaking what. So what! Better some greasy little otter than me. You know how many people piss in the ocean every day? Millions. There’s some homeless guy taking a dump off the coast of Santa Monica right now. Like Gloria Gaynor, the ocean will survive. Who knows? Maybe this oil spill will garble the ocean’s DNA just enough and mutate it into an even better, stronger super ocean like one of the X-Men. Dude, how cool would it be if the Gulf of Mexico became Wolverine?

And OK, even if it just remains a boring old normal oil spill, it’s still a huge world. We’ll manage. I’ve got an ottoman in my living room that covers a piece of carpet with an unsightly grape juice stain. You barely even notice the stain. Now we just have to find an ottoman big enough to conceal 4 million gallons of salty tar and 2,000 square miles.

Contact Jeff Girod at


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