By Jeff Girod
“She’s as beautiful as ever,” director Garry Marshall told People after they dug him up and pried open his sarcophagus.
Garry Marshall? Julia Roberts? Has anybody from People seen a movie since the ’80s?
Who was Julia Roberts’ competition—Heather Locklear and the mom from Family Ties?
Believe it or not, this is the fourth time Julia Roberts, 42, has topped People’s list and the twelfth time she’s been named one of the world’s 100 Most Beautiful People.
For those of you of keeping score, Julia Roberts got her big break in Pretty Woman in 1990. (Oh and even two decades ago, at age 22, Roberts used a body double for key scenes during filming in a bath tub and on Pretty Woman’s movie poster. And before you start whining that beauty shouldn’t run skin deep, remember we’re talking about the Most Beautiful Person in the World—that’s all seven continents—so when I say we’re grading on a “curve,” that includes love handles, too.)
So in the last 20 years People has declared, not once, but FOUR TIMES that there is no one on PLANET EARTH more attractive than Julia Roberts. Seriously, if you lined up every person in the world in a straight line, starting from world’s ugliest, a.k.a. Larry King, to world’s most beautiful, People is honestly trying to convince us that Julia Roberts—Julia freaking Roberts???—would be standing at the front of that long line?
I’m looking out my window right now and I see two people I would consider more beautiful than Julia Roberts. Hell, a basset hound just waddled by and I might ask it to a TGI Friday’s before Julia Roberts.
Drop me off at any gym, food court, movie theater, Starbucks, Hot Topic, Wet Seal or Victoria’s Secret and I will find you a better looking woman than Julia Roberts. Hell, I know 10 women by name more fetching than Julia Roberts—though if my wife is reading, this all 10 of these hot women are lesbians jailed together in a North Korean cell with no phone or Internet access. (Wait a minute, I think I just pay-per-viewed that movie!)
Speaking of movies, Julia Roberts isn’t even the best-looking movie star in Hollywood. I can name three hotter celebrities named Jessica.
Julia Roberts has had one hit movie in the last 10 years—Charlie Wilson’s War— and she played third fiddle to Tom Hanks and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. To her credit, Roberts delivered a very convincing performance—portraying a Texas socialite in her mid-fifties.
Look, I understand why People named Julia Roberts its most beautiful whatever. For one, she’s given birth three times and People wants to ensure it gets first dibs on “baby’s first” photos for as long as Roberts keeps plopping them out like a Play-Doh Fun Factory.
Secondly, People doesn’t care what I think. If anything I’m the anti-People, a football-rooting beer drinker who doesn’t watch the Lifetime Channel, doesn’t own a single CD by Tori Amos or Michael Bublé and couldn’t name the three judges on American Idol if you spotted me the British and the black guy.
People is for middle-aged housewives. It’s for women just like Julia Roberts taking the slow lane to soccer practice and 20 years past their own version of a Richard Gere-less Pretty Woman. And the last thing these women want delivered to their mailboxes is a People magazine featuring a bona fide hottie such as Megan Fox or Jessica Biel or Jessica Alba or Bar Refaeli or Evangeline Lilly or Marisa Miller or Ali Larter or Nadine Velazquez or Scarlett Johansson or January Jones or Gisele Bündchen or Olivia Munn or Kate Beckinsale or . . . well, you get the stapled picture.
Better to imagine these perfect 10s don’t exist and that Julia Roberts is our ideal beauty. Convince ourselves that the best we can do is some washed-up 42-year-old mother of three who, if you squint, looks like a cross between Secretariat and Barney Fife from The Andy Griffith Show.
So, um, yeah. Congratulations to Julia Roberts. The, uh, “World’s Most Beautiful Person.”
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.