By Allen David
OMG. Exactly. A cross war memorial is stolen from the top of a rocky outcropping in the Mojave National Preserve. And as park authorities spend time chasing down Jesus-haters and atheist malcontents, some folks have a lot to say over the theft. “I hope that I don’t know anybody that mean and destructive and coldhearted,” 66-year-old Wanda Sandoz says. Jesus wept.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 12
The advice for today is: Stay away from the Fox Pomona website. Our guess is that it was hacked and infected with a virus—one that ends up screwing up our calendar editor’s computer. But of course no one believes us that the virus came from merely checking out a live-music venue website. Why does porn get all the blame?
THURSDAY, MAY 13
A pinched wire causes a 2 ½-hour outage for phone and Internet service from Temecula to Hemet. Luckily, this occurs during episodes of Men of a Certain Age so it’s all good.
FRIDAY, MAY 14
Go figure. A San Bernardino school district and a labor union say they’re coming together. Stranger things have happened. And they only get stranger. Officials with the San Bernardino City Unified School District opt to collaborate with the California School Employees Association Chapter 183. It’s part of the “Appreciating Classified Employees” program which strives to “strengthen the bond and foster understanding between district administration and classified employees.” In other words, it’s an attempt to close the gap between management and the poor schmucks they’re about to lay off. And for those who don’t know, “classified employees” are the non-teachers; the secretaries, the janitors, the lunch ladies and the librarians. This overly optimistic program also involves a job shadowing component that “allows insight into the daily contributions of classified school employees.” In other words, show the big-salaried bosses how you slop casserole surprise on to a tray so we figure out how to outsource your lunch duties to Hyderabad. If they really wanted to strengthen the bond between management and labor, how about handing out pink slips and layoff notices to district administrators? Too close to reality? No one really wants to see the principal standing in the unemployment line—wait a minute! California School Employees Association Chapter 183 does.
SATURDAY, MAY 15
I hear about how the Lake Elsinore City Council is considering asking employers to use a federal system to verify the legal residence of its workers. In other words, the guys that hire those guys at the Home Depot parking lot might be in for a major cluster-f. “This is a very sensitive issue,” Councilman Robert Magee says. “In a city where we have historically embraced our diversity, it is something that requires some careful reflection.” Careful reflection. Hmmm. OK, I’m reflecting. Reflecting. Still reflecting carefully. Now it’s time to round up the Mexicans! In a related news story, Lake Elsinore city officials draft a memo seeking a sister city in Arizona.
SUNDAY, MAY 16
You’ve heard the phrase “put a cap in yo ass.” At least I assume you have. But this figure of speech gets really, well, real in Rancho Cucamonga, according to Daily Bulletin writer Melissa Pinion-Whitt. That’s where a 52-year-old Chino Hills man (name withheld by authorities due to the threat of humiliation) was buying six guns at the local Bass Pro Shops when he accidentally shot a woman in the—wait for it—ass! But(t), to be fair, that’s just my crude way of putting it. Law enforcement’s way is just so much more . . . clinical. The bullet “exited through the bag, traveled about 40 yards and hit a female shopper in the left side of her bottom,” San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department spokeswoman Tracy Dorsey explains. Bottom? Bottom? Are you kidding me? Not “buttocks.” Not “derriere.” Not “backside.” Not even “rump” or “rear.” They didn’t even get anatomical and whip out good ol‘ reliable gluteus maximus. “We believed it to be an accident,” Dorsey adds. Accidents do happen, ya know. As the Good Book says, turn the other cheek.
MONDAY, MAY 17
Ah, can you taste it? It’s delicious. It’s the spectacular taste of L.A.’s finest delivering a thorough drubbing to Los Suns in Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. And what a spanking it is with the Lakers racking up 128 points—40 courtesy of Mr. 24—and the pitiful Phoenix crew only managing to scrape together 107 points. OK, so maybe it’s a little early to start uncorking the bubbly and getting all glassy-eyed over the merest thought of another championship ring. After all, we’re barely one game into a best-of-seven series and maybe the Suns will still have some tricks (an uptempo game?) or secret weapon (Steve Nash? His black eye?) up their sleeves. Maybe. And maybe the Lakers will unholster their secret weapon. Again. That’s Kobe and Pau, a.k.a. sunblock. As for the Suns? Sorry, no phoenix here. Nothin‘ but ashes, baby. Game 2, here we come.