By Allen David
It seems like Arizona’s new anti-illegal immigration law has pissed off every liberal, progressive, civil rights advocates and Pacifica Radio hanger-ons in the land—and for once, my white ass feels like taking the side of my hermanos in arms. Boycott, here I come. That Arizona Cardinals ball cap—in the trash it goes. My trip to the Grand Canyon? Hello, Niagara Falls! And the Original Brand Arizona ice tea I like to quaff to take the edge off this infernal it’s-not-summer-yet-but-it-sure-as-hell-feels-like-it-already heat—make mine Lipton, buddy. Yeah, no one is going to mistake my melanin-impoverished butt for Jorge Donovan from Sinaloa, but it makes me feel all warm and tingly to do my part to kick racial profiling in the nads.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28
Do the hump-day hump, come on and do the hump-day hump. Thank you, Shock G.
THURSDAY, APRIL 29
The Riverside Police Department announces it’s cited 33 drivers and impounded two vehicles following a sting operation at a crosswalk at Magnolia Avenue and Beatty Drive. This makes it sound looks like your friendly neighborhood motorists don’t give a snowflake’s chance in hell if you’re in the crosswalk or in their line of fire—they’re more than likely gonna barrel right through like Kim Kardashian chasing down a good butt-liposuction doctor. Walk of shame? Guess so.
FRIDAY, APRIL 30
Waiting for tomorrow’s Inland Empire Menudo Championship in San Bernardino. Cuz a hot bowl filled with a Puerto Rican boy band from the ’80s just sounds sooo yummy. But what the hell’s with all this hominy?
SATURDAY, MAY 1
Are you out of your Vulcan mind? At a time when Riverside—along with every other freakin‘ municipality across this Depressed nation—is dealing with a cluster of plummeting property values, a shrinking tax base and unemployment figures as big as Megan Fox’s thumbs, the city fathers decide that dropping a big chunk of change on a Star Trek museum exhibit is a good idea. How much dough? About $75,000 for an eight-month run of costumes, props, displays and interactive games. Wow. $75,000. Really? That’s a lot of rubber pointy ears. “Star Trek the Exhibition: Where Science Meets Science Fiction,” is supposed to generate tens of thousands of visitors eager to spend money in town (on what, I ask? Boba Fett action figures and a lunch run at Wienerschnitzel?) and pump an estimated $800,000 into the local economy. Sounds like science fiction to us. Set phasers on stun—you can bet your Tribble, this is gonna stun the Romulan ale out of a lot of cash-strapped taxpayers.
SUNDAY, MAY 2
It’s time to rally at the Staples Center when the real Golden State warriors hunker down, erase a four-point deficit and emerge victorious in a 104-99 victory over the Utah Jazz. Defensively, it’s a team effort for Game 1 of this Western Conference semifinals match-up, with The Spaniard delivering five blocked shots (12 rebounds too) and Odom bringing home 12 rebounds. But, who are we kidding? It’s the Kobe-ster that delivers the coup de grace and scores 11 of his 31 points in the final four minutes of the fourth quarter. Sure, the Lakers wait till the end to turn it up, but killer instinct still matters and Phil Jackson’s boys end up inching that much closer to (another) championship ring. Maybe.
MONDAY, MAY 3
It’s rollback time for the world’s biggest retailer—but this time Walmart, a.k.a. the King of All Discount Stores (a.k.a. unions’ best un-friend, overseas distributors’ worst nightmare, workers’ rights haters), is face-to-face with a discount of the worst kind: it’s own wallet. Riverside County District Attorney Rod Pacheco is practically beaming off the news release announcing that Walmart Stores Inc. has grudgingly agreed to a $27.6 million settlement for literally trashing Mother Nature. Apparently Sam Walton’s golden boy was caught straying off the eco-path when officials at a local garbage transfer station discovered bags and bags of bug killer that was traced to a Walmart store in Rialto. And faster than you can say “Gulf of Mexico oil spill,” investigators discover that this same type of shtick was going on at other Walmarts across Cali. Then the lawyers got into it and Pacheco and his crew of 18 other unruly, itching-to-get-in-a-legal-fight district attorneys accused each of the 236 Walmart stores (including 22 sites in Riverside County) of violating environmental laws. But things didn’t stop at Walmart. Oh, no siree—Sam’s Club stores got smacked with the same stick, a civil complaint. It seems that Walton’s Legion of Doom was in the nasty habit of letting pesticides, chemicals, paint, aerosols, acid fertilizer and motor oil end up in places where the sun don’t shine. As part of the settlement, Walmart agrees to abide by the letter of the green law and brokers a deal to have U2’s Bono perform in the baby food aisle as part of a fundraising campaign for the Sierra Club. Taking a dump on Planet Earth—always Walmart. Always.