By Allen David
Congratulations, Daniel Chan. You have no life. And by that I mean that your best friend is a plastic multi-colored cube that went out of style with Knight Rider. I’m talking about the Rubik’s Cube and this 18-year-old from Moreno Valley recently captured first place at the World Cube Association competition in San Diego. Sure, Chan could have spent his time doing what other teens are doing—you know, girls, partying, hanging out at the Moreno Valley Mall, learning to drive, sexting. But when you’re trying to shave nine seconds off his best time for a shot at becoming the one-handed Rubik’s Cube champion, these types of adolescent pastimes are way, way beneath Chan. Meanwhile, Chan’s classmates remain busy practicing being one-handed champions in their own special way.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16
Drinking and driving? Bad. Well, what about texting and jogging? Just ask 15-year-old Paige Odebralski and she’ll probably tell you that taking your eyes off the road to Tweet about Zac Efron’s abs is a pretty crappy idea. Why? Because the Poly High School sophomore smacked into a metal pole headfirst because she was too busy texting as she ran down a busy street. It’s what some researchers are calling “inattentional blindness”—or what others have dubbed “not paying attention” or “utter stupidity.” Now Odebralski wasn’t hurt by her little headbanging episode and now claims she is more aware of her surroundings and never texts while jogging. Sure. Now maybe I’ve come down with a case of “inattentional blindness,” but I’m wondering who was the mobile-device genius expecting a teen to use her cell phone responsibly anyways. wtf.
THURSDAY, JUNE 17
16. 16. 16. That’s my lucky number. And the Lakers’ too since that’s how many championships L.A.’s purple-and-gold gang have notched on their belt after delivering a knockout punch to the Celtics in the last game of the best-of-seven NBA Championship Finals. What’s amazing about this win is not the obvious—that the Lakers are one title away from tying Boston for the most Championship wins or the fact that the team rallied from being 13 points behind. What really blows my mind is that that Game 7’s “X” factor was none other than everyone’s weird and wacky uncle, Ron Artest. Ron-Ron—who faced cries of “Don’t shoot!” when he was handed the ball—put all haters in their place by running a defense playbook that kept Paul Pierce seriously in check and contributing 20 points towards the win. Ron, you may be a crazy mofo—and your post-game press conference was a riot—but that new ring on your hand looks great. Enjoy.
FRIDAY, JUNE 18
The Temecula Valley Chamber of Commerce sure loves irony. This biz body gleefully announces its mid-year Economic Forecast that will include a Who’s Who of somebodies from various IE cities, including the oft-quoted Dr. John Husing—a man who’s ready to opine on economic conundrums and hardship at the drop of a NASDAQ stock tip. Though, what really bugs me about all this brouhaha is that this event here is focused on how the economy is in the shitter and yet it’s a) booked at a ritzy Temecula winery resort and spa (sorry, no Two Buck Chuck here) and b) the price of admission, well, it’s gonna cost you. To the tune of $40 a head or $500 for a table. Sorry, Temecula Chamber, but I’m still waiting for my stimulus check.
SATURDAY, JUNE 19
How do you say “late fees” in Hindi? No, no, no—I’m kidding. Riverside County isn’t outsourcing its public library system to India. Silly. The reason isn’t because local government is concerned about keeping jobs in the U.S. or fair labor practices—the reason is that the county already outsourced its library system. Over a decade ago. To a private company no less. And, 13 years after it turned Libby the Librarian over to the Maryland-based Library Systems & Services, LLC, the county’s puffed up its chest to tell us what a great idea it turned out to be, this time in the form of a white paper that spells out all the perks: doubling operating hours, circulation and staffing; and two new bookmobiles. But all this literary progress avoids the real issue: How the hell can we outsource those two homeless dudes near the self check-out machine?
SUNDAY, JUNE 20
Sleeping in, I love you. I’d marry you.
MONDAY, JUNE 21
Hemet Vice Mayor Jerry Franchville sure doesn’t like the crime-tip billboard District Attorney Rod Pacheco had put up on the outskirts of town. Designed to solicit tips regarding the unsolved cold-case homicide of Carlos Centino, Franchville claims that the billboard makes Hemet look bad. Makes Hemet look bad? What—it looked good before?