By Allen David
After battling the KGB, tussling with SMERSH and tackling Cold War baddies, isn’t it time 007 went after another nefarious foe? Unwanted litters of dogs and cats. Call it Goldmember when Pierce Brosnan—who wore the James Bond hat for four flicks—jumps on the spay and neuter train and pitches a license plate idea designed to promote safe-sex for Fido and Snowball. The idea’s given animal-lover types the warm and fuzzies across SoCal, including the Riverside County Department of Animal Services and Judie Mancuso of Orange County, the nonprofit that helped make Brosnan’s idea a reality. “It’s a fun and easy way for pet lovers to help reduce pet overpopulation,” Mancuso says. Fun and easy, eh? Something tells me “fun” and “easy” aren’t the words going through Spot and Patches’ heads as they’re having their gonads re-jiggered. Or should I have said shaken, not stirred?
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 9
Anyone up for a game of Ain’t That a Coincidence? It’s fun to play—and the Riverside Police Department makes it easy and shows you how to do it. Here’s how you play: First, find yourself a police chief (good ol’ Russ Leach will do) and let him get himself into hot water after he’s caught frolicking at a Colton strip bar and then driving under the influence of many, many drinks and many, many pills. Next, get a former councilman (hey, why not Frank Schiavone?) to allegedly intervene and call up one of the strippers and urge her not to cooperate with the CHP’s investigation of Leach’s Too Fast Too Furiously Drunk episode. Finally—and this is where the wacky coincidence comes in—straight up outta the blue, the stripper (in this sordid case, Michelle Wilson or Michelle Padilla—neither is very convincing as a stripper name, ya know?) just so happens to get arrested on a bunch of old, ticky-tack charges like violating probation, driving without insurance or a valid driver’s license and DUI (oh, the irony!). See, isn’t that a funny coincidence? The one woman who could incriminate not just one, but two former city officials for malfeasance is the one who ends up in the slammer. Everyone walks—or gets a good ol‘ fashioned slap on the wrist—except for the civilian. Michelle, do you find this funny?
THURSDAY, JUNE 10
What the hell’s going on in Upland? Mayor John Pomierski might be in trouble. Or not. Depends on whether or not the feds are on to something legit after it’s reported that FBI and IRS types swarm City Hall and serve Pomierski with a search warrant. The manhunt is on and, boy, is the net thrown out wide with Chronic Cantina, JH Builders, Upland Market Place and others in the cross-hairs. Jeez, as if San Bernardino politics (or San Jacinto for that matter—show Riverside County some love!) needs another case of the corruption blues. The list of charges reads like, well, Bill Postmus’ bedside reading: conspiracy, extortion, bribery, fraud, money laundering and racketeering. Is there anything to this? Leave it to a lawyer to set the record straight. “I truly believe what’s going to come out of this is nothing,” mayoral attorney Robert Schauer tells the Daily Bulletin. “When all the smoke clears, you’ll see there isn’t anything there.” Alright, Bobby, if that’s how you want to play, good luck with that. Lots of luck.
FRIDAY, JUNE 11
It’s creep-o-rama in Claremont. A recent crime e-newsletter I get once a week details what’s being described as a series of “Child Annoying Incidents”—which has nothing to do with your little douche bag son throwing a tantrum. According to the cops, 9-year-old boy was riding his scooter along the 600 block of Harvard Avenue when a suspect approached the boy and gave him a “bear hug” before splitting the scene. In another case, another 9-year-old boy was walking his dog when another suspect approached him and asked if he could have his dog. After the boy told the suspect, “No,” the suspect grabbed the boy’s shoulder and then walked away. Notice that both incidents involve 9-year-old boys. Justin Bieber, stay away from Claremont!
SATURDAY, JUNE 12
Time to party in Rancho Cucamonga. In a limo.
SUNDAY, JUNE 13
Oh the agony. The pain. The torture. Lakers, you’re freakin‘ killing me. You heard me. You and your damn 92-86 loss to Boston all but ruined what had been a perfectly damn good weekend. And it’s not as if Kobe didn’t try to scrape together a rally, netting 38 (count ’em) points (19 of them during the first four minutes of the third quarter). The rest of the team? Nada. Zilch. Zero. At least the Lakers delivered some stops, right? Guess again, knucklehead. Boston trounces all over the purple-and-gold’s defense like penicillin through a Mentone prostitute’s immune system. And that’s just wrong. Kobe, thanks for trying to do the impossible and win a game single-handedly. The rest of the team—thanks for the vanishing act.
MONDAY, JUNE 14
It’s Monday. Time to get serious. Earn a paycheck. Blah-blah-blah.