Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted July 1, 2010 in News

Happy Birthday, America! You don’t look a day over 230.

Sure, our country has its problems: The economy is as stable as Lindsay Lohan playing Jenga on a teeter-totter. And oil is still $3 a gallon everywhere except the Gulf of Mexico where, if you’re an otter, apparently it’s all-you-can-drink.

But the Fourth of July is a day to celebrate everything that’s right about the United States and—other than our U.S. soccer team who was just beat in World Cup by an African country the size of Gilligan’s Island—America is friggin‘ awesome!

Let’s start with our flag: Fifty stars and 13 red-and-white stripes. Never has so much bitchin‘ radness been crammed into one cloth rectangle. Now I’ll admit one more star or stripe would have started to border on tacky, but our proud citizens have made Old Glory look fashionable on everything from sweatpants to wrestling masks to picnic tablecloths. Our flag is so intimidating that a lot of other countries didn’t even bother to design a flag as incredible as ours. Japan, for instance: Its flag is just a white background with a red dot in the middle. A red dot! Hell, I tried harder on a seventh-grade diorama of Moby Dick. Hey, Japan, what did you use to make your flag, a red Magic marker and a Tupperware bowl? Ha ha ha! Losers.

America’s mascot, the bald eagle, is another symbol of how ridonkulously badass we are as a nation. For one thing, bald eagles are flying carnivores. How terrifying is that? That’s like trying to run away from a winged lion, which, little-known fact, a bald eagle would totally shred in an aerial fight to the death. Because—as everyone knows, thanks to collectible coins from the Franklin Mint— bald eagles have razor sharp talons and a saber-like beak that can destroy any type of prey, be it a winged lion, a liger or the ever-elusive Osama Bin Laden. It’s also comforting that the bald eagle always appears pissed off even when it’s just hanging out on a branch, like it’s silently seething about a repressed communist nation and wants to spread its magnificent feathered wings and soar somewhere to rip Kim Jong-il’s freedom-hating face off.

Everything about America kicks serious major ass. Even the phrase “kicking ass” kicks ass. Who came up with it? I’ll bet it was an American. Ray-Ban sunglasses, Levi’s blue jeans, Jack Daniels, touchdowns, home run derbies, Harley Davidson. Smith & Wesson. Apple, Coca-Cola, Converse All-Stars, breast implants, Fender guitars, John Deere, bacon double cheeseburgers, Surround Sound, bowling, Slurpees, Disneyland, Jesse James, Thomas Edison, Amelia Earhart, Superman, Jimi Hendrix, Homer Simpson, Miles Davis, Rocky Balboa, Michael Jordan, Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, James Brown, Marilyn Monroe, John Wayne, Bruce Springsteen, Jack Nicholson, Harrison Ford, Mickey Mantle, Paul Newman and Steve McQueen. You can thank America for the last 200 years of anything soulful, 3-D or rock ‘n’ roll. If you need a man on the moon, the car, the plane or the Internet created, or someone to save the rest of the planet in two World Wars, we’re the country to call. America is The Bomb. And, oh yeah, we invented that, too.

America is just plain better at almost everything than everybody else. Sure, we’re confident, and at times we can get a little full of ourselves. But what would you expect from a country that also invented the $4.99 buffet? Our TV shows are funnier, our Academy Awards are more relevant, our celebrities are more famous, our athletes are stronger and faster and is there a hotter trio of honeys in the human race than Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel?

So this Fourth of July, proudly celebrate your American-ness. Strut down the middle of the street in an Uncle Sam costume—even if there isn’t a parade. Dump tea into an Englishman’s Jacuzzi. Barbecue the hell out of a cheddarwurst—the way our forefathers intended. And if some Canadian gives you crap for lighting up a sparkler, feel free to remind him what red-white-and-blue soil he’s standing on. Because, last I checked, nobody is crawling over the wall to sneak into Saskatchewan.

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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