By Allen David
Be careful who you’re making phone calls to—because reaching out and touching someone might end up biting you back. At least, that might be what’s going on in the mind of Rancho Cucamonga Councilman Rex Gutierrez, the current target of an anal probe digging deep into corruption in San Berdoo County politics. Prosecutors are doing their best to vex Rex by alleging he scored a county job strictly because he was buddy-buddy with influential developer Jeff Burum. A cozy relationship between a politician and a developer? That’s something you don’t hear every day. Anyways, to make their case, prosecutors point to telephone records that detail how intimate this political bro-mance was. Over a 22-month period, records showed more than 350 calls between Gutierrez and Burum—which essentially averages out to a call every other day. And during a time when one of Burum’s deals was being considered by Rancho Cucamonga officials, prosecutors again pull out a smoking gun—phone calls back and forth between Rex and Jeff. That’s a hell of a lot of love over the airwaves. Why can’t these dudes just Poke each other on Facebook the way normal folks do?
WEDNESDAY, JULY 23
What Hemet has done, Lake Elsinore can do better. Opting that jumping on the we-hate-brown-people bandwagon is the right move to make, the Lake Elsinore City Council votes to support Arizona’s crackdown on those hombres that cut your lawn, put up your drywall and pick your fruit. Officials also embrace an E-Verify program that is designed to make sure jobs are going to John and Bill and not Juan and Guillermo. “This is about the right to work in this country,” Councilman Bob Magee says. Yes, this is about protecting American jobs that—gosh darn it—should go to red-blooded Americans. Illegals, sorry, but you’ve got to scat and go back home. White people, we’ve suddenly got a Sheriff Joe Arpaio-sized list of available jobs: Agriculture, janitorial, kitchen help, construction. The pay sucks, the hours are long and the employee benefits royally suck . . . but these are the types of jobs that we want in the hands of the good ol’ U.S. of A., right? Right? Everybody line up! Hello?! Hello!
THURSDAY, JULY 24
Hey, I’m confused. Back in December, when prosecutors threw the allegation stick at then-Mt. San Jacinto College Police Chief Kevin Segawa, accusing him of corruption and sweetheart deals with local towing companies, the chief’s lawyer was quick to set the record straight: “Once the facts come out, hopefully people will see he’s not culpable of these charges,” Segawa’s attorney, John Pozza, told the media back in December. Alrighty then. But then comes news that Segawa just pleaded guilty to eight felonies and two misdemeanors, including bribery, perjury and misappropriation of public funds. Yeah, well I guess the facts did come out. One of the incidents of wrongdoing involved Segawa confiscating ice cream from a street vendor and storing it in his personal refrigerator. That must be some fancy new way of collecting evidence, I guess. Hope that ice cream was damn good, Kevin, damn good. Enjoy.
FRIDAY, JULY 25
The drinks are on me!
SATURDAY, JULY 26
Oh Lord. The Press-Enterprise’s David Olson delves into some spiritual touchy-feeliness when he chronicles the ups and downs—or rather, body-slams and head butts—of Brian Warren , an MMA fighter that dedicates the art of pummeling an opponent’s face into apricot jelly to a higher authority: No, not TapouT. God. The big G. The Man Upstairs. The dude chilling atop Mt. Sinai. Combining the brutal sport of mixed martial arts with Bible study, the 175-lb. Warren claims, “I don’t fight out of anger or malice. I fight for the Lord, not myself.” Oh, I’m sure Warren’s opponents will agree. God, Heaven, Jesus—these are all the things that you think of once Warren’s wrapped his meat hooks around your carotid artery. Christ.
SUNDAY, JULY 27
Sometimes you’ve just got to get away from it all. Or at least rise above it all. To the 5,000-foot elevation mark. Which is what brings me to Lake Arrowhead: an escape from the trials and tribulations of the lowlandlubbers and inhale the crisp mountain air and the pristine beauty of the lake. In fact, it’s a lake so beautiful, it makes me think of God since how can something so wondrous and breathtakingly serene not be the handiwork of a benevolent Creator . . . oh, the lake’s man-made. Sorry about that. Let’s try this again: Oh, Big Bear Lake, your beauty and tranquility, your . . . oh. Man-made too. Jeez.
MONDAY, JULY 28
The grief and distress over the U.S. soccer team’s loss to Ghana continues. Yup, it’s a heartbreaker. But look at the bright side: There’s always next year. Er, I mean, there’s always four years from now. And, Landon Donovan, you’re already a superstar and a Redlands hometown hero, so buck up. At least you’ve still got your skills, your looks, your hairline. On second thought . . . two out of three ain’t bad.