Final Word
By Jeff Girod
Ever since the results of the polls were made public, critics have been outraged—OUTRAGED!—that so many Americans would mistakenly identify President Obama as Muslim. (Turns out Obama is not a Muslim. He’s something else completely different called a “Christian.” Go figure.)
The White House has even felt compelled to weigh in on Obama’s Muslim-ness. (Oh wait, so Obama’s not Muslim? Are we 100-percent sure about that?) Said White House spokesman Bill Burton: “The president is obviously a Christian. He prays every day.”
That settles it: The president prays! Every day!
I pray a lot, too: Right before every free throw and field goal attempt . . . whenever I’m stuck in five-lane traffic . . . and for the slow painful smiting of anyone who has ever betrayed me. (I’m more of a believer in Old Testament prayer. Less forgiveness/more heathens getting pushed over cliffs and turned into pillars of salt.)
Though highly irrelevant and completely unscientific, the “Is Obama a Muslim?” poll has revealed a few enlightening facts about us as Americans. For one, one-fifth of the United States apparently contains dumb asses, which, upon further reflection, is a surprisingly low number. Seriously, take a minute to look around. You’re telling me that you honestly thought 80 percent of the country was competent? I’m just surprised only one out of five people thought Barack Obama was Muslim and not a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance? (You know, the funny contestant who may not have all the classical training, but tries really hard and has a great “vibe,” so we’re going to give him a pass onto the next round and see what he can do with a little work and a real choreographer.)
And so what if Obama had been Muslim? Would that automatically make him a terrorist? The answer to that question is a resounding, “Of course, not,” mainly because I don’t want any angry emails and letters from Muslims who may or may not also be terrorists. (Kidding.)
People like to say that the President of the United States is “the most powerful person in world,” but the truth is that’s a load of crap. Because if President Obama really was the most powerful person alive, both the health care system and Social Security would be fixed and the Chicago White Sox would win the World Series every year.
In reality, the U.S. Government runs a lot like the Department of Motor Vehicles, with mountains of endless paperwork and entire divisions full of people resting their heads against six-inch-thick bank teller windows. But the silver lining is it works as a safety net if our president ever actually does go batshit crazy. Let’s say—just for one moment to placate the one-out-of-five paranoid wackos among us—that President Obama is a terrorist nut job hell-bent on the destruction of Planet Earth . . . Well, thanks to the ineptitude of our bureaucratic system, even the president of the United States would accomplish about as much as you can when trying to renew your driver’s license at the DMV without an appointment.
The beauty of our country is that it’s so screwed up that it has essentially become booby trap-proof. Ha ha ha! Take that, terrorists! You can’t sabotage our country because we already beat you to it!
And if terrorists ever do devise a diabolical scheme to get one of their own elected president, apparently most of us will just yawn and say, “Didn’t we already have a guy like that in the White House? And wasn’t he also a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance?”
It’s an idea so crazy not even a purple dinosaur could sing about it.
Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.
