By Allen David
Prove positive that what others don’t want, the Inland Empire will happily take—can you say “sloppy seconds”? It seems that a minor league baseball team that goes by the name of the Portland Beavers (because what doesn’t say athleticism like a giant rat with buck teeth?) has been given the boot by the hand that formerly fed it and is now eying Lake Elsinore for a new home base. Which means the Beavers may suddenly end up being bunkmates with the existing team, Elsinore’s Storm. Now, setting aside the potential camaraderie and/or rivalry of two hometown teams, local politicians will naturally weigh on this latest development. But unlike 99.9999999 percent of normal people who would talk baseball stats, players’ batting averages, the thrill of hearing the crack of additional bats and the prospect of a new cross-town rivalry (Lakers and Clippers, anyone?), Councilman Thomas Buckley hits the booze, er, I meant “snooze” button and instead talks about the Beavers team like it was a freakin‘ Excel spreadsheet. “There’d be more revenue, people buying gas, shopping for dinner—and the stadium would make big increases for concessions.” Since when has America’s favorite pastime been reduced to a new revenue stream? Politicians. Thanks, Tom.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4
Pechanga just doesn’t want to play nice and Temecula’s getting damned impatient. It seems that the Pechanga Band of Luiseno Indians owes the city $2 million as part of an agreement the tribe made with City Hall. But Pechanga feels that the deal isn’t finalized and thus they’re not about to pay one red cent. But the city says if it doesn’t get the cash soon it’s gonna have to dig deep. So deep, so deep, it’ll put their emergency reserves (sorry Cube) to sleep. “We have an agreement that’s in place and we’d like to get paid,” says Temecula Mayor Jeff Comerchero. Everyone knows that messing with your money is like messing with your emotions. Temecula, you go, boy! You collect your wampum.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 5
Man, I just love euphemisms. It started with “pre-owned” cars. Cuz “used” cars sounds so, well, used. “Pre-owned” seems so warm and fuzzy. Then there was “social media,” which is an awesomely sanitized way to talk about people wasting a shitload of time following Snooki’s tweets and Kanye’s Facebook nonsense. But state school officials can top all of this with a doozy of a euphemism. After a Perris Elementary School District teacher is allegedly caught reviewing test questions in class, changing student answers and completing one student’s tests, officials aren’t about to call this “cheating.” Perish the thought. That would just be mean. This stuff is called “testing irregularities.” Wow. The teacher, as the investigation proceeds, was placed on three weeks of paid administrative leave. “Paid administrative leave? What’s that you ask? Oh, that’s another of those great terms. It means, that someone’s lesson plans are collecting dust as they earn a paycheck and TiVo The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 6
Hung over from last night. And I’m dealing with my own “testing irregularities”—in the bathroom.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 7
I guess we just need a whole ’nother dose of drama from the Riverside Police Department/Russ Leach fiasco. I mean, last time, I saw this much fallout, they called it Chernobyl. Former Riverside Deputy Police Chief Pete Esquivel files a claim against the city, claiming he was forced to retire because he refused to go along with the alleged conspiracy to keep Leach’s 11-drink/5-pharmaceutical recipe for DUI disaster under wraps. Even the brand-spanking new chief who replaced Leech—I meant Leach—gets into the mix, saying “I’m finding in this department there’s been a history of extreme litigiousness” by officers accused of misconduct, according to P-E reporter Alicia Robinson’s write-up. Well, I’m finding that this department has a history of extreme jackass-edness. But no one’s quoting me.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 8
Jeez, who knew law enforcement in Rialto could be so, well, freaky. I’m talking Rick James Superfreaky. If you believe a legal claim filed by a Spearmint Rhino waitress, Rialto cops turned a nearby police union building into a Bang Bros. van without the wheels. Not only were club employees purportedly getting “cavity searched” by officers, things were taken up a notch when someone hit the group-sex siren. “It’s time for this conduct to stop,” the waitress’ lawyer, Danuta Tuszynska says. Now, is it me or does “Danuta Tuszynska” sound like it’s ripped from a Vivid Entertainment casting call list?
But then things get ugly and tragic. The waitress, Nancy Holtgreve, purportedly got knocked up by Rialto cop James Dobbs. If this is true, we can all be sure of one thing. This cop was not firing blanks.
MONDAY, AUGUST 9
I hate Mondays.