By Jeff Girod
It was a long summer of having to talk to our families and go “outside” for entertainment, but thankfully another new season of fall TV programming is finally here! And, frankly, not a moment too soon. Because if I have to go on one more picnic or hear one more story about somebody’s sick aunt or lame-ass dream . . .
I’m not going to lie to you. Most of what you’re about to see this TV season is going to be more disappointing than a steaming pant load of Joey. Remember Trauma, Brothers, Hank, Mercy, Eastwick, The Deep End or Three Rivers? Of course you don’t. That’s because they were awful shows that were canceled after just one season.
So without further adieu, here’s a preview of the 2010 TV Fall Season. May all of these shows last longer than last year’s Southland on NBC. It was canceled before it ever aired!
Hawaii Five-O, CBS, Mondays 10 p.m.: A remake of the classic 1968 show, let’s hope it triggers a nostalgic trend of resuscitating TV programs from eras past. Matt Houston, Riptide, Barnaby Jones, Welcome Back, Kotter, Chico & the Man, Adam-12, Emergency, Alice, Simon & Simon, BJ & the Bear, Sheriff Lobo—these are just some of the shows I’d like to see taken off the scrap heap and trotted back onto weeknights starring an over-the-hill, used-to-be somebody like Scott Baio or that weird-talking kid from That 70’s Show. Or how about a crossover show? Like halfway through an important case on Hawaii Five-O, Chrissy from Three’s Company shows up in a bikini driving the black Pontiac Firebird from Knight Rider. C’mon folks, let’s drop the pretense of trying to create great television, and just start having some fun!
No Ordinary Family, ABC, Tuesdays 8 p.m.: Starring Michael Chiklis — the angry bald dude from The Shield — it’s about a family who develops superpowers during an overseas vacation. (All I ever developed on vacation was explosive diarrhea and a rash, which would be, like, the most disappointing superhero power ever.) Credit ABC for trying to squeeze every last drop out of the comic book craze. Let’s hope Chiklis doesn’t have to wear Spandex because that would just be super gross.
Survivor: Nicaragua, CBS, Wednesdays 8 p.m.: Yes, Survivor is still on the air. And what better way to kick off its 21st season than with a “tribe” full of self-absorbed, tanned egomaniacs pointlessly starving themselves in Nicaragua, the second poorest country in South America? Here’s a fun fact: About 80 percent of Nicaraguans “survive” on less than $2 a day. Maybe that’s too “real” for this reality show, where every episode looks like a cross between Gilligan’s Island and “capture the flag.” Here’s an immunity challenge: Tie Survivor host Jeff Probst to a banana tree and find out if that’s his real hair.
Outsourced, NBC, Thursdays 9:30 p.m.: I don’t know how many times I’ve been on hold for 75 minutes with a scratchy, unintelligible call center in India and thought, “Somebody should make a jaunty weekly sitcom about this!” What would be great is if every character on Outsourced had an unbelievably fake name such as Terry or Bryant or Kip. Then, instead of commercial breaks, there was just three minutes of hold music and every so often your TV switched off at the most crucial point. Or before the program restarted, you were required to push “1” on your TV remote for English. Not that I’m bitter . . . Stupid Kip.
Outlaw, NBC, Fridays 10 p.m.: Starring Jimmy Smits as a . . . whoops, it’s already been canceled.
Sarah Palin’s Alaska, TLC, Sundays 9 p.m.: On July 3, 2009, Sarah Palin announced she was stepping down as governor of Alaska to “effect change outside of government” and “make a difference.” Apparently what Palin really meant was “to film a reality show that includes a particularly gripping episode with Kate Gosselin on a fishing trip.” (Actually, I might watch that one.) I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t want Sarah Palin to be my president, but there’s something incredibly hot about Palin in a not-too-bright, jogging-bra, SUV-driving, have-to-explain-every-joke, barbecue-eating kind of way . . . Is anybody else hungry?
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.