By Jeff Girod
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is putting the “foot” back into “football” after videos surfaced last week allegedly starring Rex and his wife with titles such as “Awesome Soles” and “Hot Mature Sexy Feet.”
In one clip, a woman is sitting in a green SUV with her bare feet hanging out of the window when a man—who sounds a lot like the gruff Rex Ryan— approaches.
“You have really beautiful feet,” says the unseen cameraman. She responds, “Thank you. You know most men do think my feet are pretty because … well, they’re soft and they’re petite and, of course, they are very beautiful.”
A-w-w-w yeah. Cue the Barry White music and grab the fast-actin‘ Tinactin.
Then Rex, er, the “cameraman,” asks, “You mind if I touch them . . . Can I smell them? . . . I bet most men like to do a lot of things with those feet.”
Hey Rex, are those athletic socks in your pants or are you just you happy to see me?
As feet go, Rex’s wife’s feet are toe-riffic. Then again, they’re feet. My only prerequisite is that a woman has feet—and even that’s negotiable as long as the rest of her is pretty spectacular or, you know, she buys a meal of equal or lesser value so I can use my Olive Garden coupon.
Admittedly, I’m not really into foot porn. And after seeing Rex’s wife on video, I think I was more aroused watching the old Easy Spirit commercials of the ladies’ basketball team playing in high heels.
For his part, Sexy Rexy is calling the videos “a personal matter.” And Rex is right. Whatever he’s into should be between Rex, his wife and Dr. Scholl’s. Whether it’s toe sucking, heel licking or sock sniffing, I support Rex’s freaky weirdo shoe-balling addiction, 110 percent. Go Jets!
Where I take issue is Rex pulling the “personal” card, because Rex’s own wife allegedly posted the videos on YouTube, not to mention a foot fetishist website under the user name “ihaveprettyfeet.” (See six videos for yourself at deadspin.com)
And it brings up a bigger question: Why is an NFL coach—not to mention a high-profile celebrity in New York City—posting foot fetish videos on YouTube?
Look, I get it. We’re all a little freaky. I, myself, have a thing for Wonder Woman costumes. (Blame Lynda Carter.) Nobody is as normal as they seem and if someone tells you they are, check the garage for a storage freezer and femur, because odds are you’ve just encountered a serial killer.
Be into whatever you what. Slather yourself in Crisco, dress up like your favorite Sesame Street character and dance around to Enya’s Greatest Hits. Just don’t videotape and post it on YouTube. Because like toxic waste and Joan Rivers, video and the Internet last forever.
Don’t believe me? Just ask Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, John Edwards, Fred Durst, Amy Fisher, Tonya Harding, Dustin Diamond, Rob Lowe, Vince Neil, Colin Farrell, Gene Simmons and Kendra Wilkinson. (Those names aren’t off the top of my head. I actually just listed my last 13 searches on Google.)
Nothing looks as cool on videotape as you think it will. The lighting is bad. The sound quality is horrible. You’re always being shot at unflattering angles so you look like a six-chinned Godzilla with two nostrils full of dried Elmer’s Wood Glue. And besides, nobody is watching what you intended them to watch on video. They’re either staring at your mismatched bed sheets or making fun of your aboveground pool and shag carpeting. (And yes, all of those are euphemisms for penis and vagina.)
We spend so much time staring through tiny viewfinders that we’re absent for some of the most important moments of our lives. And none of us are so interesting that anything we do should be etched for eternity on video or rocketed into the stratosphere of the Information Super Highway.
I think it’s endearing that after 23 years of marriage Rex Ryan still has the hots for his wife and all ten of her little piggies. Just keep it on the sidelines, OK, Coach? The next time I see your wife’s feet she’d better be the kicker for the New York Jets.
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.