It’s our annual SEX ISSUE again and it’s hot! Hotter than lava hot. Africa hot. Get the picture? From pole-dancing parties to the ins (ouch) and outs of the right kind of lube, this issue comes packed with all the essential ways to put yourself on the path to sensual salvation, you sexy beast. There’re spicy foods to get your saliva and carnal juices flowing, advice on getting your rumpy-pumpy on in the desert and getting a love fix inside a steam sauna (how’s that for getting you hot and bothered?). If your toes aren’t curled by the time you read this issue, something’s seriously wrong with you.
Caught on Tape
On Valentine’s Day, 1-800 Flowers ain’t gonna cut it, pal. Neither is that box of Godiva chocolates, that lingerie you bought online that looked sexy but came out of the packaging looking cheap or even the 10-inch Coney Island Wife Tamer you picked up at Le Sex Shoppe one night after your fourth martini at the Mission Inn’s Presidential Lounge. But a video Valentine just might light her fire.
That’s because it shows you put some thought into it, you big dummy. Use some software like Animoto to create a video collage of your greatest memories together or, if she’s a narcissist, a collection of her hottest photos in a moving homage to her beauty. Or simply grab a flip camera or camcorder and film yourself playing a song on the guitar for her, preparing the candlelight dinner you made or a filmed video recollection of the place you met. Any of these are bound to work far better than taking her to the Olive Garden and busting out the two-for-one coupon. She’ll realize that if you put such time and effort into her gift, you might put that same amount of time and effort into other areas as well. And that can’t hurt, my friend. Hey, you just might end up recording another kind of video. (Bill Gerdes)
What Chili Wants
Yeah, you could take her to that amazing restaurant in Los Angeles, spend hundreds of bucks—not to mention hours on the freeway—all in the hopes of stirring up a bit of passion, a smidge of amour, a tad of the back-seat-boogie. But here’s the thing: You’re at least an hour from home. Unless you’re springing for a room, too, those pheromones may be sleeping by the time you’re back in Bro-Land.
Why not take it up a notch by hitting some local restaurants? And while we’re at it, why not add some spice to the love life by literally adding some spice to the love life? Getting her hot has never been so easy, whether your method be wasabi or chipotle, jalapeños or curry. Let me humbly recommend the Green Mango Thai Bistro, where the jungle curry can lead to passionate kissing; Delhi Palace in Berdoo, where the spices can stir up some sexy smooching or Casa Maya in Mentone, where the Yucatan-inspired cooking can forecast carnality ahead. Plus, spicy food equals another round of drinks, which—let’s be honest—never hurt either. And if it doesn’t necessarily produce the reverse cowboy position, it may at least lead to a return visit. (Bill Gerdes)
Green Mango Thai Bistro, 11226 4th St. Ste. 102, Rancho Cucamonga, (909) 987-8885; www.greenmangothaibistro.com; Delhi Palace Cuisine of India, 2001 Diners Ct., San Bernardino, (909) 884-9966; Casa Maya, 1839 Mentone Blvd., Mentone, (909) 794-7458.
Doing the wild thing beneath the vast desert sky is something we should all try at least once, and the IE is blessed with plenty of suitably remote (yet accessible) spots to do just that. Getting naked in the great outdoors is like, well, getting naked twice over, and the desert provides the opportunity to savor this wonderfully liberating sensation without earning a passion-killing lewd conduct ticket from some snickering cop.
Even in daylight, doing it desert-style shouldn’t be mistaken for exhibitionism because—unless you’ve stayed too close to a popular trail or strayed too close to a ranger station (or meth lab)—your only audience should be each other and the occasional bird soaring high above. By night, surrounded by just blackness, a blanket of stars and the unseen eyes of inestimable critters, the experience is less risqué but also less risky, as you should see and hear any interrupters coming a mile away.
Yet, like all sex, remote rumpy-pumpy requires certain precautions. Take a dependable vehicle that can cope with a little rough ridin‘ itself; bring a blanket (’cos sand really can get everywhere) and remember; if you’re planning a nocturnal nookie session, that California has one of the highest concentrations of scorpions in the country—and they love to take shelter in holes. Oh, and please don’t try “the wheelbarrow” near any abandoned mine shafts. (Paul Rogers)
My friend Andrew recently revealed the simple secret behind his near-legendary teenage womanizing: his home had a hot tub. Get them into their bikini (or even better, their underwear) and you were halfway there, he explained. The bad news is that I’m no longer a teenager and, even when I was, there was not the remotest chance of a Jacuzzi at our place. The good news is that, for us grown-ups, spa treatments can have just the same garment-shedding, libido-pumping effect as Andy’s old tub. Only at a spa we can use ostensibly unselfish excuses for taking him/her there like “It’s for your health,” “You need to rejuvenate” or that old chestnut, “I thought it would help us find our old selves again.” In fact, spas like Glen Ivy Hot Springs in Corona offer an array of inhibition-shedding delights. The steam of the saunas should successfully blur even the lowliest of body images, their famous “Club Mud” red clay mud bath is a perfect opportunity to get naked without really getting naked and we all know that massage is the ultimate foreplay. Glen Ivy is offering $100 gift cards for just $85 until Valentine’s Day. I’m just sayin‘ . . . (Paul Rogers)
Glen Ivy Hot Springs Spa and Day Spa, 25000 Glen Ivy Rd., Corona, (888) 453-6489; www.glenivy.com.
Dancing With the Stars
The path to a woman’s heart resides on the dance floor, in a spaghetti-strapped dress that cuts off midway along the thighs or long flowing skirts and midriff baring tops, twirling and swaying hypnotically in quick, frenetic steps, passion, and seduction oozing from every nook and cranny of her arched body. Nothing makes women melt more completely in a gentleman’s arms than the beads of sweat dripping down foreheads and into forbidden crevices, the infectious stirrings of desire echoed by each successive dive into the heart-pounding lambada. If you’re looking to jump start the libido, Saturday nights at Club Sevilla might be the steamy and sizzling solution to the most perfect and sweet date, entwined in bacon and glaze of course, and washed down in a blood-red bath of sangria to enliven the mood. If once-a-week action on the floor does not provide you with enough oomph to sate your innermost passions, kick it up a notch by giving Matador Salsa Wednesdays a twirl. And thank the stars for the goodness of salsa, for it is the art form and exercise that keeps on giving. (Nancy Powell)
Sevilla Night Club, 3252 Mission Inn Ave., Riverside, (951) 778-0611; www.sevillanightclub.com/riverside. Matador Salsa Wednesdays and Saturday Nights Salsa Con Bachata. 21+.
Embrace Your Inner Stripper
If you would have told me 20 years ago that lingerie parties would have replaced Tupperware parties as the go-to get together for the neighborhood women, I might have been pleasantly surprised. If you had told me a slightly more risqué version of these parties would involve vibrators, dildos and French ticklers, I would have asked you if Larry Flint had led some sort of porn-fueled revolution against the United States government. But if you would have informed me that the hottest girl get-togethers involved pole-dancing, I would have said, “Fire up the DeLorean—it’s back to the future time.”
You kind of get why pole-dancing parties are such a blast. One, they’re a workout; a perfect fit for the exercise-obsessed. And two, they allow women to feel sexy and naughty in a relaxed and safe environment—generally, dudes aren’t allowed—but still embrace their inner stripper. Which is cool. Some companies also offer up classes in lap dances, burlesque routines, chair dances and other sundry and sweaty options. So, c‘mon ladies, host a pole party today. They’re fun, sexy and educational. Plus, if you’re the host, you generally get your freak on for free. It sure beats sitting around talking about Tupperware. (Bill Gerdes)
From Mind to Body, 3485 University Ave., Riverside, (888) 632-2236; www.frommindtobody.com.
Slippery When Wet
There is no culture, at any point in history, where there is any record of chafing being considered cool—or comfortable (though occasional rug burn might be considered something of a badge of honor in certain seedy circles). So if you’re going to get it on—especially if you have unusually athletic, extended or borderline physically impossible bedroom ambitions—consider something to reduce skin-on-skin (or toy-on-skin) friction, not to mention that impossibly embarrassing itch at work on Monday. In fact lubricants (“lube” to the initiated) are essential for anal action (as the anus produces no natural lubrication) and highly recommended for, shall we say, first-timers. Furthermore, though many condoms come pre-lubed, adding some extra can reduce the odds of a rubber breaking mid-thrust. And applying lubricants to oneself and each other can become an enjoyably erotic facet of the foreplay ritual in itself.
Well-established adult shops like Lotions & Lace (four IE locations), The Toy Box, Romance Attack, Romantix and House of Venus should stock all three types of lube—water-based (with or without glycerine), silicone-based and oil-based—and be able to advise you on which best suits your needs and desires. And no, cheapskates, Crisco just won’t cut it. (Paul Rogers)
House of Venus, 2743 Hamner Ave., Norco, (951) 737-1325; Lotions & Lace, 31712 Casino Dr., Lake Elsinore, (951) 674-7891; 9197 Central Ave., Montclair, (909) 626-6228; 796 Inland Center Dr., San Bernardino, (909) 889-3114; 10175 Magnolia Ave., Riverside, (951) 352-4405; www.lotionsnlace.com; The Toy Box, 1999 W. Arrow Rte., Upland, (909) 920-1135; Romance Attack, 10571 Magnolia Ave., Riverside, (951) 785-8505; www.romanceattack.biz; Romantix, (Fantasy 66) 835 E. Foothill Blvd., Rialto, (909) 820-6315, (Le Sex Shoppe) 3945 Market St., Riverside, (951) 788-5194; 14589 Valley Blvd., Fontana, (909) 350-4717; www.romantixonline.com.
It doesn’t matter if your lady’s tough-as-galvanized-nails or a real sweetie who’s addicted to watching The Notebook every chance she gets, all women like to feel like a real princess. So, why not make this universal fantasy come true and really get the Cinderella vibe going? Enter Bloomington-based G & F Carriages (a.k.a. Mission Inn Carriages), the folks behind the horse drawn carriages that can take you (Prince Charming) and your “Cindy” through downtown Riverside, from Fairmont Park, around Lake Evans and back. Romance? Yup, it’s here in spades once your honey hears the gentle clop-clop of the ponies’ hooves as you are gently transported to the ball (OK, Mario’s Place, but you get the picture) for a night of enchantment. With this ace in the hole, you can pretty much guarantee that you’re gonna be getting some royal loving tonight. What happens at midnight . . . you’ll find out once you and your princess get under the sheets. That’s why they say “happily ever after.” (Matt Tapia)
Mission Inn Carriages, (909) 820-4600; www.missioninncarriages.com. $175 for a 1-hour ride.
Unless it’s Coachella or the casino, Riverside doesn’t sit on the radar of alternative bands, unless the venue is UCR and Heat, an eclectic multiplex festival brought to us courtesy of the UCR Highlander Union. The hip-hop, alternative and crunk acts that have made stops here along the way, like last year’s Taking Back Sunday and The Crystal Method, get the juices flowing and the crowd firing on all cylinders non-stop on a clear, moonlit February evening; a pitch-perfect culmination to the campus’ homecoming week festivities. Headlining the Highlander stage will be crunk pioneer Lil Jon, who electrifies with his energetic barrage of badass, sultry hip-hop, while over on Vantage Stage, Middle Eastern and cult favorite Infected Mushroom promises to enthrall the hyper-receptive crowd with its psychedelic and Goa-influenced trance. Travie McCoy, Against Me!, Congorock, Party Crash, The Dirty Heads and CC Sheffield all promise to feed the fire with their own intoxicating fill of punk and alt-rock. Grab your ticket to the hottest concert of the year before this Heat wave leaves you high and dry. What better way to impress a date than in a seductive bath of blue and gold on a cold, wintry evening? (Nancy Powell)
Heat Music Festival at the UCR Bell Tower, 900 University Ave., Riverside, (951) 827-4403; heat.ucr.edu. Sat, Feb. 26. Doors open 7PM. Tickets $44 in advance, $52 on the day of the concert.
That Burning Sensation
Imagine this: it’s homecoming week and Highlander fever is already running high on campus, so high that it would be hard to imagine people handling surviving the heat of the moment in the dead cold of winter. Unless, of course, you count the fires of Troy awash in blue and gold, armor so impenetrable that only a wicked thrill of defeat could quash. February hails the Bonfire of the enemy, an annual event that began at the Rec Center and which graduated to the softball field for 2011. Scotty (the cute and cuddly mascot of UCR) takes an official torch to the UC Davis Mustang, burning the wooden horse in effigy on its funeral pyre, the chants of “Down with the enemy!” rising in barometric pitch with each fiery leap. Afterwards, the field lights up to the beat of music and wild dancing. You might score some treasure trove UCR gear during your celebratory wanderings, but it’s the ride on the mechanical bull after a drink or two, whose flexing muscles stir up longings better enjoyed beyond the confines of the Bonfire—perhaps in a seedy hotel off University Avenue? Think you can handle the bull? Seize the bull by its horns and make it happen. (Nancy Powell)
UCR Homecoming Week Bonfire 2011, UCR Amy S. Harrison Field at the corner of University Avenue and Canyon Crest Drive, Riverside; Fri, Feb. 25, 7-11PM. Free and open to the public.