By Jeff Girod
Like an arthritic, one-note, unintelligible cyborg everybody thought was already dead, Arnold Schwarzenegger took to Twitter last week to announce his intent to resume acting. Finally! All of those unanswered questions will be addressed in Kindergarten Cop 2.
“Exciting news,” the former California governor tweeted. “My friends at CAA [Creative Artists Agency] have been asking me for 7 years when they can take offers seriously. Gave them the green light today.”
Never mind the budget crisis, the immigration crisis, the school crisis, the labor crisis, the unemployment crisis, the mortgage crisis, the drought crisis or the crisis crisis—California has so many crises, it was a crisis finding a place to put them all—it’s a good thing the boys at CAA have been tying up the former governor’s phone lines for the last seven years wondering when they can resume taking “offers seriously.”
Here’s a question: When Schwarzenegger made the movie Junior in 1994, was that an “offer” he took “seriously”? Because it’s about a male fertility doctor who impregnates himself, then carries a baby in his stomach for nine months. And even then I remember thinking, Schwarzenegger could probably earn more money than Junior made at the box office by selling a real baby on the black market.
During his seven years as governor, Schwarzenegger appeared in 2004’s Around the World in 80 Days, and who could forget last year’s The Expendables? (That was the one about the talking dinosaur, right?)
But for all intents and purposes, Schwarzenegger has been out of the “acting game” for nearly a decade, and Hollywood has changed quite a bit since the days of Last Action Hero and Jingle All the Way. (No, wait, I think that was the one about the talking dinosaur.)
Schwarzenegger wants his first role back as a fulltime actor to be something memorable, something that will take full advantage of his robust comedic and dramatic range and embody all of his Schwarzenegg-yness.
That’s why I have spent no less than 17 minutes compiling a list of 10 guaranteed, can’t-miss movie propositions.
Keep in mind that none of these are as mind-blowingly brilliant as Collateral Damage, Schwarzenegger’s 2002 poignant turn as L.A. firefighter Gordon Brewer who, after his wife and son are tragically killed in a building explosion (way to jump on that whole Sept. 11 craze) flies to Colombia and infiltrates a terrorist drug cartel. But just ask Meryl Streep or Sean Penn: a role like Collateral Damage comes along but once in a lifetime. (Twice—if they ever make Collateral Damage II straight-to-video.)
One last thing I should mention before I reveal my list of surefire Schwarzenegger comebacks, or as I affectionately call them, “the Schwarzies”: all of these suggestions include a supporting role for Danny DeVito as a cartoon-talking parrot.
An Austrian Transformer.
A rapping genie.
A female body builder, or any acting part that requires Schwarzenegger to dress up as a woman. Years of steroid abuse have already given him the unfortunate side effect of excess estrogen production. The lactation jokes alone should be worth the ticket price.
An unstoppable robot sent back from the future to prevent Steven Seagal from eating himself to death.
Legendary U.S. Women’s gymnastics coach Béla Károlyi.
A remake of 101 Dalmatians, only this time, the puppies are bloodthirsty Chechnya commandos.
Moonwalker: The Michael Jackson Story
A human bomb that will explode if, every 5 minutes, he doesn’t strip down to a Speedo, strike an oily pose and balance a state budget. Oh wait. Schwarzenegger couldn’t balance a state budget when we gave him seven years and an entire Capitol building filled with calculators.
Plot shmlot. Schwarzenegger should just combine all of his most popular movies into one big Vegas traveling sideshow because everybody just wants to see him make like the Terminator and kill the Predator with a big-ass gun. The rest of it is just pointless dialogue—like a porno when the starlet is still figuring out how she’s going to pay the repairman without her checkbook.
Come to think of it, that pretty much sums up Schwarzenegger’s entire political career.
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.