Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted February 3, 2011 in News

Yo no quiero cow intestines! That’s the gist of a lawsuit recently filed against Taco Bell, which alleges the meat in its tacos and burritos is less than 35 percent beef. The class-action lawsuit—filed on behalf of California customer Amanda Obney—doesn’t seek monetary damages. Instead, it seeks to force Taco Bell to finally admit something we have all long suspected: The word chalupa is in fact Spanish for “diarrhea suitcase.”

Actually, lawyers for the plaintiff seek to force Taco Bell to stop advertising that what it sells is beef. The suit alleges that the fast-food chain actually uses a meat mixture in its menu items that contains mostly binders and extenders.

For its part, Taco Bell quickly denied the lawsuit saying, “Binders and extenders? We wouldn’t know our binders from an extender if it were wrapped inside a taco, refolded inside a burrito, dipped in nacho cheese sauce and then mashed into a quesadilla like a delicious $1.99 pocket square . . . Have a coupon.”

An inspection of Taco Bell’s meat filling ingredients reveals water, wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodextrin, autolyzed yeast extract, modified cornstarch and something called “an anti-dusting agent.” And let me tell you, the anti-dusting agent is essential because nobody likes a dusty Gordita (which is also the name I use whenever checking into a motel).

Despite the suspicious-sounding ingredients in its Frankentacos, a Taco Bell spokesperson recently assured everyone that its company uses 88 percent USDA-inspected beef—and really, how can you not trust the word of a corporation with a talking Chihuahua mascot?

Can we really believe Taco Bell? And even if we can, since when can a company defend itself against claims of food tampering by saying its product is 88 percent edible? That’s like Lady Gaga saying she’s 88 percent female. Or Charlie Sheen saying he’s 88 percent certain there’s not a dead hooker in his Ferrari’s trunk.

On the other hand, should a restaurant that sells three tacos for a buck even have to justify its ground beef? Isn’t any rational person already making a conscious decision to eat crap when he waddles into Taco Bell? Is it even fair to call a fast food place a “restaurant”? They have drive-thru windows for people who are literally too lazy to get out of their cars, walk inside and sit down at a table. Employees wear hats made out of paper. Some of the meals come with toys. If you get bored halfway through your meal, you can go down a slide.

And suddenly some lady named Amanda Obney wants to sue Taco Bell because she doesn’t think the tacos have enough beef in them? Amanda, you live in California, correct? You are aware our state has other fine dining establishments that serve Mexican food? I could name all of them but it would probably be quicker to name all the places in California that don’t serve Mexican food.

Analysts predict that this latest lawsuit will have little to no effect on Taco Bell’s business, and why should it? Four people died from E. coli in 1993 after eating at Jack in the Box, and that bulbous slaphappy clown is still selling Chicken Fajita Pitas faster than you can say “meat pocket.”

I eat at Taco Bell all the time because cheese and lard are delicious. Is any of it authentic Mexican cuisine? I sure hope not. Otherwise everyone in Mexico would weigh 900 hundred pounds, Salma Hayek would do bilingual commercials for Jenny Craig and Taco Bell would have to change its slogan to “Make a brisk walk for the border . . . or don’t. We’re open late.”

Real beef is over rated. Have you ever looked at a cow? I mean really looked at one? Frankly they’re a little too cow-ie. They’re all slobber and hooves. They have three stomachs. And who knows what’s really going on with those black splotches on their backs. Could be that’s where the mad cow disease is kept.

Maybe Taco Bell is doing us a favor by diluting its beef. Maybe instead of suing Taco Bell, Amanda Obney should just eat her Crunchwrap Supreme with her Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes and say “Muchas Gracias.”

(That’s Spanish for “pass the hot sauce.”)

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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