By Allen David
TUESDAY, MARCH 1
Ken Calvert, the flinty-hearted Congressman From Corona who wouldn’t pass a welfare bill if it came wrapped in a pastrami sandwich, a dude who’d send a DREAM Act student to Gitmo’s deepest, darkest cell if he could get away with it . . . all of a sudden, he’s a bleeding heart liberal when it comes to welfare . . . corporate welfare that is. Calvert (R-etarded) was part of a Riverside delegation that was trying to get Parkview Community Hospital Medical Center a handout through HUD to stay in business (gotta keep them doctors’ wallets fat). “Parkview plays a critical role in serving the community’s health and emergency care needs and providing many good paying jobs within the city of Riverside,” Calvert said via email. Jobs schmobs. Let the hospital fend for itself. Thin the herd. Economic Darwinism, I say. If Parkview can’t make it, then eff it. Another hospital will replace it. Survival of the fittest, baby. Stand back, folks, market forces at work here. What sort of Republican are you, Mr. Calvert?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2
Darrell Issa’s at it again. Cracking whips and taking names for his newly-launched, hot-headed effort to “clean up Washington politics.” Jeez—we’ve never heard that line before. But, ya know, I’ve got to hand it to the guy. The dude fired his own press secretary for leaking emails to a NY Times reporter who was writing a book. No Woodward and Bernstein stuff here (or is it—the plot thickens!), but I guess this shows the Issanator is deadly serious about cleaning house—even his own. The target of his wrath is Kurt Bardella, a guy who was considered a rising star . . . and who I expect will be eating beans out of can in about a week.
THURSDAY, MARCH 3
I get word that the “Old School” series of concerts at Mission Tobacco Lounge didn’t . . . how can I put this kindly . . . turn out as planned? Apparently, the Zapp and Klymaxx shows were poorly attended . . . then the Mark Adams Woods performance got nixed because of low pre-sale. Not enough bounce to the ounce?
FRIDAY, MARCH 4
SATURDAY, MARCH 5
Sometimes you need a touch of racism and just a smidge of ethnic stereotypes to seal the deal, right? At least that’s the tack that MBK Homes appears to be taking when it comes to slinging new residences from its Sancerre development in Eastvale. Everyone—and I mean everyone—chimes in with their two-cents racial generalizations since apparently Asians are the best thing since sliced bao when it comes to homeownership in the IE. “Many Asians prefer to buy a never-lived-in home because ‘no one else’s energy imprint is on it,’” says Angi Ma Wong, a Palos Verdes-based Feng shui consultant. An MBK VP, Rick Fletcher, says, “We need Asian buyers right now and respect their financial strength.” Translation: Asians have money and we want some of it. But the coup de grace is when real estate consultant Jeff Meyers says Asians “culturally have better savings habits and put down larger down payments and don’t have a lot of debt.” Sounds to me like someone dusted off the ol‘ Asians-are-good-at-math myth and gave it a shiny new name.
SUNDAY, MARCH 6
This is the Lakers we all know and love—an outfit capable of beating the team (San Antonio Spurs) with the best record in the league, at one point leading by 31 points in this 99-83 victory. Offensively, it was obscene as Kobe and Co. scored on 12 consecutive possessions and turned an 8-8 tie in the first quarter into a 34-13 lead. Thus endeth the Spurs 22-home game winning streak. The Lakers not even close to a three-peat? Screw you, haters.
MONDAY, MARCH 7
OK, time to get out all your Charlie Sheen jokes—cuz the Lake Elsinore Storm is milking the hell out of this boozy, drugged-out punching bag with a vengeance. The Storm just announced its “Charlie Sheen-co de Mayo.” However, the Storm isn’t targeting the oh-too-easy Three and a Half Men show for comedic fodder. No, they’re going way back to 1989 and commemorating the character Sheen played in the forgotten gem Major League; namely a hot-headed dude named Rick Vaughn who’s no stranger to spending time in jail and, er, bedding women he meets at bars. Yup, quite a stretch for Sheen this casting call was. For the Storm, their Sheen-co will feature a Charlie Sheen bobblehead (covered in tiger blood?), “Wild Thing” glasses and the retirement of Vaughn jersey number 99 . . . though someone tells me that Sheen has already flipped the first 9 upside down.