Final Word

By Jeff Girod

Posted April 14, 2011 in News

Hail to the Donald? It could happen if some voters get their wish in the 2012 presidential election.

Donald Trump is currently running second in a recent Wall Street Journal/NBC poll measuring the top presidential choices of Republican voters. Trump also received a 52 percent favorable rating among GOP voters in a just-released Gallup survey.

“It’s all about leadership,” Trump told CNN last week. “You have to be able to make deals.” Trump then tried to fire everyone at CNN and build a skyscraper out of their starched blazers.

Just think, if Trump is elected president, the White House could be renamed the Trump House with The Apprentice filmed in the Oval Office, and Secret Service agents replaced with contestants from his Miss Universe pageant.

Imagine Miss Romania throwing her perfectly proportioned torso in front of Trump to take a bullet. How awkwardly sexy would that be? (I’m visualizing it commemorated on a silver half-dollar right now.)

All of this comes as President Obama has suffered his worst approval ratings yet. Just 42 percent approve of the job he’s doing. And in a bad omen for his 2012 campaign, 50 percent said, upon further reflection, Obama’s 2008 “Hope” poster looked “a little too Photoshoppy.”

Hey, I realize things are bad now. Unemployment sucks. The Middle East sucks. And while I was filling my gas tank with black gold I thought about setting the whole truck on fire, collecting the insurance and buying a Go-ped.

But Donald Trump for president? Are we really that desperate? We still have to live here, right? And even if everyone decides to move to another country should Trump become president, he would still be the most powerful man in the world. So no matter what country we all move to, we’ll all be within nuclear bombing distance.

Anyone would be a better president than Donald Trump. Anyone. LaToya Jackson. Meatloaf. Dionne Warwick. And I’m not just pulling those names out of a Monopoly top hat. These are the carnival freaks Trump lined up for his latest Celebrity Apprentice.

And other than being a game show host and grunting, “You’re fired!” like a monkey, what successful thing has Donald Trump ever done? Sure, he’s a millionaire.  But Donald Trump’s father was worth $400 million—meaning Donald Trump was a millionaire before he was born. That’s like being impressed by a guy who owns a pizzeria whose dad owned the same pizzeria. Your only job at that point is to empty the quarters out of the skee-ball machine and not burn the place down.

That hasn’t stopped Donald Trump from filing for bankruptcy three times, the last one in 2009 on a $500 million debt. For the record, I have never failed to pay someone $500 million, then had the nerve to think I should be in charge of finances for an entire country.

C’mon, the man can’t even manage his hair. Shave that thing already! Or call the Humane Society and let them shoot it with a dart to end its suffering.

I don’t care how rich or famous Donald Trump gets. He’s an imbecile with no imagination. Everything he buys or builds he names after himself, from high-rises, to sons, to even a state park. And so far his “big plan” for “saving America” is to go on every TV talk show in the past month and accuse President Obama of not being an American citizen.

“Why doesn’t he show his birth certificate?” Trump asked on CNN. “The fact is, if he wasn’t born in this country, he shouldn’t be the president of the United States.”

No, Donald. The fact is Barack Obama could be a 12-toed alien flown here from outer space. He could be 10,000 tiny Barack Obama’s wearing a giant Barack Obama suit. He could’ve been born on 123 Fake Street in MadeUpsVille, Invisible Land.

Obama would still be more qualified, experienced, intelligent and deserving to be our American president—and so would every other Republican candidate running in the next election.

I know that might be hard for a slobbering egomaniac to understand. So get Dionne Warwick and your hairpiece to explain it to you.

Contact Jeff Girod at


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