Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted April 7, 2011 in News

Smell that? That hickory waft of freedom, like a meaty middle finger to every dopey hiker munching on a “heart-smart” bowl of granola? That’s bacon, friend. And Denny’s has it by the truckload.

Bacon is king,” a laminated placemat proselytizes. “And we celebrate it in all its sizzling glory.” Preach it, brother.

Denny’s is calling this once-in-a-millennia event “Baconalia,” and pull the kids out of school because it’s a marketing campaign as historic as the first moon landing or that time Lindsay Lohan kissed a girl. No, that other time. No, that other time.

Choose from seven bacon-happy items on Denny’s menu, including bacon meatloaf, a BBBLT (that’s a BLT with triple the bacon), and a sundae topped with maple syrup then generously sprinkled with thick porky bits of bacon. The Triple Bacon Sampler features eggs and hash browns with three kinds of bacon. Seems to me they would have room for even more bacon varieties if they ditched the hash browns—and the eggs.

Every item on the Denny’s menu should automatically come with bacon unless I specifically say “no bacon.” And if those words ever slip from this mouth, alert the FBI because bacon-hating terrorists have taken my loved ones hostage.

You know who doesn’t want you to eat bacon? The same people who don’t want you to stage dive or stand up on roller coasters. I say, who wants to live forever? Have you seen what living forever looks like? Your 80-pound skeleton strapped to a gurney, crapping into what looks like a milkshake machine while two Filipino hospice nurses fight over what they’re going to watch on your TV—a 16-hour Bridezilla marathon or another re-run of Three’s Company in Tagalog. No thanks. Make mine a double-order of bacon with a heaping side of bacon. And keep it coming, toots!

If my choices are bacon or asparagus, bacon is going to win every time. Asparagus sounds like something Farmer John pulled out of the ass crack of his dirty overalls. “Asparagus” takes too long to say, like even the person who named it was having second thoughts. Go ahead. See how long it takes you to say “as-par-a-gus.” Baconbaconbaconbacon! See, I’ve already fried up an entire hog.

Bacon should be the official mascot of Denny’s because, like bacon, Denny’s is the opposite of everything that seems responsible. Nobody has ever said the following: “I’m trying to watch my diet, so maybe we should go to Denny’s. Let’s take my Miata.”

Denny’s is open 24 hours and nobody makes a wise decision at 3 a.m.  Three a.m. is when guys drunkenly shout, “We should open a floating bar!” Or “She’s pretty cute for a bag lady…” Or “When we walked in here, was I missing a tooth?” Three a.m. is also the time of night—after 8 Heinekens and 6 tequila shooters—that a Maple Bacon Sundae finally starts to look like a good idea.

Ice cream and fried pork? It’s like a race to the photo finish between vomit and diarrhea.

Not that I’m bashing Denny’s. I love Denny’s for exactly the same reason I love bacon. It’s exactly what I want when I want it—without all the perky judgeyness of a hostess named Kimber. I’m a lazy man who can’t be bothered to chew my pancakes and bacon separately. That’s why Denny’s also sells Bacon Flapjacks with the bacon baked directly into the flapjacks.

You want fine dining? Go to the Cheesecake Factory—this is Denny’s, baby! Where breakfast is served whenever you want it and most of the waitresses can stop a knife fight with the sharp edge of a menu.

After Baconalia, Denny’s should go whole hog and declare itself the official diner of all things awful for you. You want French toast with a side of Marlboro’s? Coming right up! You want those eggs sunny-side bourbon? You got it, sugar. You want to drunk-dial your ex-girlfriend and get a tattoo across your stomach that says “thug life”? Here, hold this crack pipe while I dial her parole officer.

Cram your face with as much salted meat as your greasy cheeks will allow because Denny’s Baconalia is for a limited time. But regret and heart disease? That lasts forever.

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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