By Allen David
TUESDAY, MARCH 29
Striking a blow for Lindsay Lohan fans, a judge rules that she will not be prosecuted in Riverside County in connection with an alleged tussle she had with an employee of the Betty Ford Clinic in Rancho Mirage. “Insufficient evidence” is the official explanation,” says John Hall, a spokesman for the DA’s office. “Insufficient alcohol” is what I think this damn thing’s all about. But, the “official” explanation is that, back in mid-December, a clinic employee Dawn Holland reported being attacked by Lindsay after she caught the party girl returning at 1:30 in the morning—way past curfew. Lohan refused an alcohol test (what, this surprises you?) and then the wrestlemania ensued. Holland was eventually fired and Lindsay, well, she’s still doing what she does best, which is . . . ah, which is . . . well, coming back home way after curfew?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30
Son of a bitch. Bill Postmus, after swearing up and down that you were innocent and that you were gonna have your day in court, this three-year drama comes to an end—and to what? Your punk-ass has ’fessed up to charges that you took a bribe and failed to disclose a financial conflict-of-interest (read: corruption, through and through). But then all of a sudden, Postmus’ mea culpa throws everyone for a $102 million loop. That $120 million is the amount of a legal settlement between the county and a powerful development outfit named Colonies Partners, a legal settlement that Postmus helped bring home to roost. So, now the settlement is tainted. Thanks for manning up and owning up, Bill—more than two years after you were first accused. Go back to sucking meth, dude.
THURSDAY, MARCH 31
I don’t know what’s in the Kool-Aid the Lakers were drinking. Not because they win. They do, and quite decisively at 110-82. No, what puzzles me is why there’s so much posturing and raw physicality going on in today’s game against the Mavericks. Five players get ejected. First, things get chippy after the Mavs’ Jason Terry makes crazy contact with Steve Blake. Matt Barnes gets into the mix. Ejections for all! Then Shannon Brown takes issue with the way the Mavs’ Ian Mahimni grapples with Pau Gasol. Ejection. Barnes, Blake and Brown—good job. Terry, taste a flagrant two. Not too tasty, eh?
FRIDAY, APRIL 1
Man, I’ve forgotten all about the Lakers’ losing streaks. Playoffs, here we come!
SATURDAY, APRIL 2
This morning’s edition of The Press-Enterprise features a very familiar sounding story. It’s a story detailing the politicking and environmental concerns over a proposed high speed train between Victorville and Las Vegas—the Desert Xpress. Why the déjà vu? Cuz it’s a story the Weekly broke as our cover story way back in September . . . of 2009. Sure, I’m flattered that the big daily is covering the same ground we did—two years ago—but I feel even better that it took them this long to catch up to us. Not much “enterprise” in the Enterprise this week, methinks.
SUNDAY, APRIL 3
Ok, so it’s not gonna make ’em smarter . . . but maybe giving Johnny an egg and sausage burrito will help him learn how to spell? Well, that’s sort of the argument I get from the suits running Good Hope Elementary School, located in a BFE (read: rural area west of Perris). The idea seems to be that if the school provides breakfast every morning, it will help kids get on the right track for studies and reduce tardies and absences and lead to academic improvement. So, this is the strategy? Hand ’em a bowl of Froot Loops and watch the straight A’s come in? What happened to teaching kids better? Finding better methods? Better yet, why not get ghetto mom and dad actually involved in their kids’ homework and projects. Yeah, right. Looks like moms living near Perris can’t even get their kids to school on time. As third-grader Viviana Marin explains, sometimes she’s gotta skip her Frosted Flakes cuz someone (read: lazy mom who can’t be bothered with an alarm clock and likely hands her daughter a bag of Flamin‘ Hot Cheetos and a Yoo-Hoo for breakfast) can’t get her to class on time. “When you’re in a hurry, it doesn’t give you time to eat and stuff,” the 9-year-old says. Sad. Just plain sad.
MONDAY, APRIL 4
Telling someone they you’re gonna need to slash up their future retirement benefits is like sticking your hands into a basket of live vipers—and hoping nothing bites you. That’s the pickle Riverside County supervisors are in. They’ve got to trim the fat and save county coffers more than $200 million by reducing retirement pensions and increasing the retirement age. It sounds pretty dire—and it is—but the way that County Executive Office Bill Luna says it, man, it just sounds so, so, clinical and lifeless. “Clearly, given the severe budget distress the County is presently experiencing, as well as the need to realign revenues with future growth expectation, reform is in order” Bill, you know, it’s OK to say, “We’re running out of money and we’re screwed.” Oh, and, Bill, you’re a robot.