By Jeff Girod
Osama Bin Laden was shot and killed last week by a team of Navy SEALs. If you didn’t already know that, you’ve been hiding in the same Afghani caves for the last decade where the CIA has been searching with a canteen and a glow stick.
Why did it take so long to find bin Laden? He looks like a 6’5” version of the Travelocity roaming gnome.
As it turns out bin Laden has been “hiding” in a million-dollar mansion less than 100 miles from the capital of Pakistan. The dead giveaway should’ve been the fountain in the front yard with 72 cement virgins.
The important thing is bin Laden is finally dead. Yay! Which means we can finally stop wearing seatbelts on airplanes.
I’ve heard more than one person say Barak Obama “got” bin Laden while George Bush “couldn’t”—as if both presidents were playing Call of Duty: Osama on Xbox. I’ve even seen photos posted of Obama smiling and pointing with the caption “Sorry I took so long getting you my birth certificate, I was busy killing bin Laden.” Funny joke. Let’s hope people take it as seriously as they take Donald Trump’s toupee.
Both presidents deserve equal credit, which is to say both presidents deserve no credit. A group of highly trained SEALs killed bin Laden, thanks to a military infrastructure put in motion after 9/11—which included Guantanamo Bay and, yes, even waterboarding.
If you believe that somehow one president is more deserving for bin Laden’s assassination than another, I’m sorry, there’s no other way to say this, but you’re probably an imbecile with deep-seated daddy issues, you weirdo.
The President of the United States is not Santa Claus. He’s not something you root for like the New York Yankees or Rocky Balboa. Be he a Democrat or Republican, the president is neither infallible nor inherently evil. He’s simply a man (for now) doing his best (hopefully), but flawed like the rest of us (some more than others).
And while bin Laden’s death might bring some small amount of closure to one of the most painful chapters in our nation’s history, it by no means makes us safer from terror. (Pretty much everyone in the world still hates us.) One might argue bin Laden’s assassination makes the threat of future terrorism even likelier, which is another reason why we shot him in the face.
For the last six years bin Laden has been little more than a figurehead, trapped in a house without Internet access (which, in my opinion, is a fate worse than death). And the fact that even small children playing kickball near bin Laden’s front door knew where “Mr. Binny” lived, should make us a little anxious about the commitment to anti-terrorism of our Pakistani allies.
Make no mistake. I’m glad we finally found and executed bin Laden. He freely admitted he was the mastermind and murderer of more than 3,000 people on 9/11. May his remains rot at the bottom of the ocean like a whale turd.
Still, it made me uneasy to see so many people doing the Macarena after bin Laden’s death. Isn’t this the same celebratory behavior we criticize people for in the Middle East? The whooping and dancing in front of the White House could have easily been a televised crowd on Al Jazeera for one of our crashed Blackhawk helicopters.
Regardless of what bin Laden did and what he ultimately “deserves,” there has been an incredible amount of loss of life since 9/11—on both sides—and our response as a country should have been measured. This isn’t a football game. And even in football, as Vince Lombardi once said, “Act like you’ve been there before.”
Save the hollering and celebration for the next Lakers victory parade. (Oops, bad example.) We don’t have to share the latest Osama jokes with our friends on Facebook. We don’t need to see the post-mortem photos of bin Laden.
The world is watching. How we react as a nation right now will resonate for decades. Cross bin Laden’s name off the Wanted List, start looking for No. 2 and get on with it.
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.