By Jeff Girod
Grab the stone tablets and chisel! Another celebrity is doling out life-altering commandments from On High:
Russell Crowe recently took to Twitter to make his thoughts known throughout the land about—wait for it—circumcision. (Because when a fat drunken Australian has musings about my newborn’s genitalia, I want to know!).
Tweeted Crowe on June 9, “Circumcision is barbaric and stupid. Who are you to correct nature? Is it real that GOD requires a donation of foreskin? Babies are perfect.”
But wait, there’s more, because like a foreskin, Russell Crowe is all about saving a little extra: “I will always stand for the perfection of babies, I will always believe in God, not man’s interpretation of what God requires.”
You tell ’em, Russell! If anyone should be the last word on who’s getting cut and where, it’s a guy who became famous by putting on a leather dress.
Though Russell Crowe may want to back off the talk about circumcision. It makes me a wee uncomfortable that he’s spending so much time on the Internet obsessing about what’s in my son’s underpants. Oh, and he may have just offended a few hundred million Jews, Christians, Catholics and Muslims (give or take).
Beyond religious significance, studies have suggested that circumcision may have actual medical benefits, including a decrease in some cancers and a 60-percent reduction in HIV risk, according to a recent study by the United Nations AIDS agency. The World Health Organization also endorsed male circumcision in 2007.
Beyond that, everybody else’s circumcision is none of Russell Crowe’s business. Approximately 80 percent of American men are circumcised. That number seems to be declining in recent years. But decisions made in parenting, religion and science shouldn’t be dictated by a self-important Hollywood actor who literally gets paid based on his ability to look at a typed piece of paper and then monkey it back to a camera.
Want me to care what Russell Crowe thinks about circumcision? Cast him in an entertaining movie for a change. Call it First Cut or Baby Blade. Hide the terrorist’s plutonium in an infant’s foreskin. It would still be more watchable than Crowe’s last movie, Robin Hood. (Running time: 140 minutes. Tell me that piece of medieval moat scum couldn’t have used a good circumcising.)
Never mind that Russell Crowe has made exactly one good movie since 2003. (Russell, you still owe me $9.50 for State of Play, mate.) Why is Crowe passing out medical advice when he looks like he drank a Gatorade thermos of country gravy? Ever since Gladiator came out in 2000, who has gotten fatter: Russell Crowe or all of the elephants in the Coliseum scene?
Russell, you’re an actor reading words that someone else wrote, someone else directed, someone else produced . . . Are you seeing the pattern? Nobody cares what you think. Just memorize your lines and smile for the pictures. The rest of us just want to sit in a theater instead of reading books, because we’re too busy holding down real jobs so you can keep playing make-believe.
Russell, just because you portrayed a brilliant mathematician in A Beautiful Mind does not actually make you a genius. You get that, right? I honestly worry you trudge down to your mailbox every day and look inside wondering why you haven’t received a medal from the Nobel committee.
Why do actors, singers and athletes even have Twitter accounts? All of the following “stars” have recently been in trouble for things they posted on Twitter: Gilbert Gottfried, Kim Kardashian, Rashard Mendenhall, Dez Bryant, Mary J. Blige, Justin Bieber, 50 Cent, Rihanna, Chris Brown, Kanye West, John Mayer, Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan and Hugh Jackman.
What’s the upside to a celebrity even having a Twitter account: “Gee, I was having serious qualms about our country’s foreign policy — until Snookie from Jersey Shore cleared it up. THKS Snookie! . . . smiley face . . . lol . . . retransmit.”
Listen up, chuckleheads. Nobody is paying you millions based on your ability to type. And the more you open your mouths—without checking with a publicist that you haven’t just offended three-quarters of the globe or Tweeted another crotch shot—the more the rest of us realize what overpaid, overhyped, undereducated imbeciles you are.
Forget circumcision, how about a slice of reality?
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.