Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted August 25, 2011 in News

Michele Bachman wants your vote—for $2.

“Under President Bachmann you will see gasoline come down below $2 a gallon again,” the Republican presidential hopeful, promised a crowd last week in South Carolina. “That will happen.”

Bachman went on to say that on the day Barack Obama was sworn in as president, gas was $1.79 a gallon. Of course analysts will argue that’s not the full story. Other global economic factors were in play. Blobbity blah blah. All I heard is we’re getting $2 gas back! Woo-hoo! Why wait until next November for a vote? Michele for president now!

But then again . . .

President Obama may have a crafty plan of his own to influence voters before the 2012 presidential election: David Schawel of businessinsider.com says Obama might be considering a “massive government stimulus package” which includes automatically refinancing all home loans to the current market rate of 4.25 percent. Refinancing could save most homeowners up to $1,000 a month. And for $1,000 a month, not only can Obama have my vote; I’ll show him where to buy baggier jeans and how to throw a fastball.

Yep, it’s apparently a new era in politics where everyone and everything is for sale. Alert Paypal! And won’t it be a refreshing change when an elected official finally takes me seriously enough to bribe me.

And when I say “bribe,” I mean literally pay me mucho dinero for my vote. Presidential elections come around as often as a Summer Olympics. And as American citizens we should exercise our democratic inalienable right to be corrupted.

Because I have plenty of debt and a few speeding tickets that could use a “presidential pardon.” And my TV isn’t getting any wider or more high-def. Treat me to a TV as big as a coffee table and I will vote for you—whoever you are—provided the other guy doesn’t counter-offer with a Dolby Digital Surround Sound system with sunken leather captain’s chairs and cup holders. (I am a staunch supporter of cup holders.)

Every person who has ever served as U.S. president has left the White House wealthier than when they arrived. It’s the reason why we put all those dead guys on money. And it’s about time we started getting something more out of doing our civic duty than an “I voted!” sticker.

Someone wants to be leader of the free world? You got it, Captain America. These are our demands: A space ride to the moon. One get-out-of-jail-free card. A flying monkey butler. A life-size re-creation of Disney’s California Adventure made completely out of teriyaki beef jerky.

Maybe that’s all too complicated . . . fine. Then every American citizen gets to select one person that the Secret Service has to Tase, no questions asked. Oh yeah, and one other thing: I don’t ever want to be Tasered.

Are favors for votes unethical, possibly even illegal? Sure they are! But look around. We’re allegedly in the midst of a great recession—with real estate, employment and the stock market going up in flames—yet GE, Goldman Sachs and Exxon are somehow posting record profits. Everyone is getting rich around here except you and me, Tiny.

I’m tired of rubbing two nickels together to pay Corporate America. The first politician who tries to buy me off is the first fat cat who’s getting re-elected. Politicians are whores for favors anyway. Forget patriotism. Repave my driveway and put a Dodge Charger in it.

But here’s the thing about politicians: They lie. Nobody elected actually works for a living. Lying is how they get what they want. So under my new “bribes for votes” policy, every elected official will have exactly 90 days after assuming office to deliver on his or her campaign promises—or else.  And by “else” I mean We the People get to strap them to a flaming red-white-and-blue catapult and hurl them somewhere unthinkably awful, such as the underwear section at Walmart or end zone seats at a Raiders game.

It’s a tough but fair system of which I think our country’s Founding Fathers would approve. And worst-case scenario: I can’t wait to catapult a flaming Michele Bachman into Walmart.

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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