Final Word

By Jeff Girod

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Posted September 15, 2011 in News

Dear T-Shirt Corporation Who Shall Remain Nameless to Avoid a Lawsuit (or for short, TSCWSRNAL),

Wow. Color me impressed. The creativity it must take for a “design house” like you to come up with one entire 3XL shirt. One shirt? In your entire online catalog? Boy, I sure hope I like green shirts with stick-figure bicycles on them.

What happened to you, Nameless Shirt Corporation? You used to be cool and kooky. You used to email me coupons for wacky shirts with tank-fighting Pandas on them and football-playing squirrels. I’m sorry I’m not 5’7” and 165 pounds like your Lilliputian tofu-eating models. But one measly green bike shirt? C’mon. Between cost overheads and bottom lines, I guess you just can’t afford to be my BFF anymore.

Is pre-shrunk cotton really that expensive? It’s OK, Nameless Shirt Corporation. I understand that for all of your playful marketing gimmicks (kudos on the whimsical watercolor Web banner, by the way, is that a blue jay?), you’re really just another cold, calculating corporate entity.

And for as much as you “value” me as a customer and probably will “thank” me for this email . . . blah . . . blah . . . blah . . . you just can’t afford to keep stocking 3XL shirts. I mean, do I have any idea what that extra 2 1/2-inch shirt ring must cost to ship from China?

Coincidentally, you’re running a sale right now: All shirts for $9.99!!! I guess I could take 2 medium shirts and sew them together for $19.98, but that hardly seems like a “SALE,” now does it?

And just a side note: When I’m viewing the one 3XL green cycle shirt that does fit, don’t “suggest” other shirts I might like when we both know you don’t offer them in a 3XL, mmmkay? Or if you feel a pressing need to populate the picture square with something else for me to view, how about yet another green bicycle shirt? Or, better yet, another soothing blue jay in watercolor?

Disappointingly yours, Jeff

Dear Jeff,

Wowzers! Thanks for emailing. Opinions are something we really value here at the Nameless T-shirt Corporation. We wish we could offer more 3XLs. We really do! Unfortunately, “requests” for 3XLs don’t seem to match “demand.” Anyhoo, thanks for sharing—and keep on rockin‘!

Thank you for shopping at TSCWSRNAL, Brianne

Brianne,

Thanks for writing back. I especially appreciated the opening “Wowzers!” because it conveys a jocular familiarity, while, in reality, neither promising future customer service nor conveying any actual relevant information. Kudos

In your email, you state that, “requests for 3xls don’t seem to match demand.” Brianne, Brianne, Brianne, (if that is your real name and you are, in fact, a person instead of some sophisticated nanobot programmed to send nonsensical Wowzers emails whenever anyone clicks on the “contact us” link . . . )

The Nameless T-Shirt Corporation is supposed to be a company which markets itself to the fringe and disenfranchised. Nobody who wears a rainbow-breathing T. rex on his chest or a pistol-wielding hot dog, is ever going to win prom king.

If your only concern as a company is for “demand” and what’s popular, might I suggest advertising with better-looking models that are in better physical shape and don’t wear novelty T-shirts in the first place. Because it’s confusing to the rest of us who, not coincidentally, are also not in shape.

I have included a list of helpful Web links to get you started on your quest for more fetching models. Pay particular attention to the links for Abercrombie & Fitch and Victoria’s Secret.

And again, thank you for your deceitfully familiar yet completely ineffectual email (if you are, in fact, a real person and not a nanobot).

Respectfully yours,
Jeff 

Dearest Brianne,

It’s been almost 161 hours since your last response, so I took it upon myself to procure a Victoria’s Secret catalog from my neighbor’s trash. (Excuse the veal piccata stains. At least it tastes like veal piccata.) For your convenience, I have circled models that I consider most suitable for your hottie search. (You’ll notice my penchant for Hungarians.)

You’ll be happy to know I have also used one of your numerous coupons to purchase the 3XL green bicycle shirt . . . It is too large. What’s your return policy?

Jeff

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.


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