By Jeff Girod
Oh the humanity! Reality star Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Nets NBA Frankenstein Kris Humphries are calling their marriage kaput after just 72 days. 72 days? I have luncheon meat that’s older.
The unhappy couple married in August for a two-night, four-hour special event titled Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event, which premiered on E!, on Oct. 9. It ranked as the network’s most-watched program ever. Ever? (Hey that’s saying something, because Talk Soup’s Greg Kinnear used to be quite the cutup.)
And it goes to show you: If a woman who got famous by making a sex tape then intentionally releasing it on the Internet can’t make a marriage work, well, what chance do the rest of us have?
Kim Kardashian and Kris what’s-his-face were the best of us, America’s version of a royal couple (if the queen was infamous for dating running backs and having a big ass and the king was a meat suit from New Jersey).
Still, 72 days seems awfully suspicious. That’s hardly enough time for someone to cheat, get loaded on prescription pills, have a lover’s quarrel and smash an Escalade into the neighbor’s azaleas.
“I don’t think I’m ready to go into, you know, the details of what went on in my marriage,” Kardashian blogged on her website (because during these troubled times, blogging is what reality stars, you know, do). “But I do want to make clear that I would never marry for a TV show, for money, for anything like that. I think that’s really ridiculous that I have to even defend that.”
You go girl. It is really ridiculous. Why would anyone think that Kay-Kay, a woman who has never acted, sang, written, earned, learned, invented, taught, won, donated or discovered anything—and has essentially spent the last decade of her fake plastic life whoring out herself, her sister, her other sister, her dancing brother, her mom, her stepfather, and her dead OJ-defending father—why would anyone think she—of all people—would stoop so low as to get married for money. As if!
Oh right: Because of the money.
In addition to the estimated $12-15 million Kim and that other guy pocketed from E! for their commercially sponsored “I dos”—$15 million for 72 days of marriage, that’s $208,333 a day, $8,680.54 an hour—the future exes also cut enough endorsement side deals to fill a bridal bouquet:
According to zap2it.com, Kim received a 20-carat, $2 million diamond engagement ring; $1.5 million from People magazine for exclusive photo rights to the wedding; $300,000 from People for exclusive rights for photos of the engagement announcement; $200,000 from Us Weekly for exclusive honeymoon photos; $100,000 from OK! magazine for exclusive photos of the bridal shower; $100,000 for Kim’s official wedding perfume “Love” (1,000 bottles at $100 per bottle); a $20,000 bridal gown designed by Vera Wang; and a $15,000 wedding cake.
But again, Kim’s mom, Kris Jenner, said, “I don’t think it’s about the gifts or the money. It’s about two people and how their lives are changing.” Of course Kim’s mom said it wasn’t about the money while she was appearing on TV to promote her new book, Kris Jenner . . . And All Things Kardashian.
Jenner also told a radio show that Kim “didn’t make a dime off this wedding.” If anything, Jenner said, Kim “actually spent millions of dollars.”
Wait, Kim lost money on her phony wedding? Either Kim’s mom is lying or Kim forgot where she buried her $20-million treasure chest. Because that’s the only way even an airhead like Kim Kardashian could possibly lose money on this charade.
Most people seem angry that Kim didn’t stay married to that bigheaded galoot, Kevin. (Or was it Kurtis?) But really, what’s the point? Would you rather Kim suddenly grew a conscious, worried about weighty matters such as politics and the environment, become a spokesperson for noble causes such as world hunger and child safety, maybe raised two incredibly gifted, well-rounded, fully-adjusted Kardashians of her own and lived out the next 60 years in wedded bliss with ol‘ pumpkin head, away from the media spotlight?
Nah! Where’s the fun in that? We’d rather watch E!’s next two-night, four-hour special: Kim’s Divorce: Bring on the Beefcake!
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.