Final Word

Break out the eggnog and zip ties! The day after Thanksgiving, also known as Black Friday, traditionally marks the beginning of the holidays. Why, it’s enough to bring a sentimental tear to your eye . . . or maybe that’s the pepper spray.

There’s a lot of ass kicking to recap from last Friday’s Blacktivities, so let’s get to it (before I pass out from massive internal bleeding):

In Lakewood, Colo., a woman was bitten at a Walmart for a $2 waffle maker. In Los Angeles, a woman turned herself in to police after allegedly pepper-spraying 20 Walmart customers during a mad dash for Xbox video games. And at a Walmart near Phoenix, a man was bloodied and knocked unconscious in front of his crying young grandson while being tackled and beaten by police on suspicion of shoplifting less than $50.

I think all this reveals one undeniable fact about the human condition: Walmart has incredible, rock-bottom deals. C’mon, $2 for a waffle maker? I’d gut a busload of nuns for some of that syrupy deliciousness.

And that’s not the half of it:

In Monroeville, Pa., two women at a Victoria’s Secret traded sucker punches while fighting over—wait for it—yoga pants. There were also gunshots outside stores in San Leandro, Calif., and a mall in Fayetteville, N.C., not to mention a yuletide stabbing outside a store in Sacramento, N.Y.

And in Charleston, W. Va., a man collapsed to the floor inside a Target just after midnight and later died—while people continued shopping around him. “Holy crap, is that guy dying? Never mind him, look at these door buster deals on garden gnomes!”

The good news is Black Friday sales rose an estimated 6.6 percent this year to a record $11.4 billion, according to something called ShopperTrak. The bad news is we’re all one pajama jeans coupon away from becoming poo-flinging, skull-bashing apes.

Seriously, people, when did it become socially acceptable to punch somebody in the box for yoga pants? They’re pants you put on to get another Ben & Jerry’s personal ice cream, not a Wonka golden ticket to the moon.

People lined up five days early at Best Buy in anticipation of Black Friday. And for what? A budget 32” TV? Last year’s model of a digital camera? It doesn’t even have red-eye reduction. And you’re just going to lose it on your ski trip like last time.

It rained locally for at least two nights prior to this year’s Black Friday. What’s pneumonia worth to you? $10 a night? $20? I’m willing to pay the extra $10-$20 to avoid being knocked upside the head for a $3 DVD of Transporter 3. (Is there any limit to what he can transport?)

And I don’t know about you, but I don’t particularly want to receive a $2 waffle maker as a Christmas gift—especially if it comes dented from shopper fights or contains bits of dried blood and human teeth. “Oh you shouldn’t have. No seriously, you shouldn’t have. Forget the blue light special. Somebody get a black light. I think the DA might need this for evidence.”

I have no sympathy for anyone who gets hurt during a scrum on Black Friday. Walmart is dangerous enough on a Thursday or a Monday when all I want is a package of tube socks, a coy greeter’s smile and possibly a six-piece McNuggets.

Of course there was going to be riots at a Walmart on Black Friday. It’s like Wrestlemania with more ass crack. There was a nation of sleep-deprived shoppers in jean shorts and trucker hats fighting over a limited number of ridiculously low-priced key buys. We’re lucky all they tried to do was kill each other. What if they had done something really dangerous, like form another bluegrass band or vote?

I realize everyone is looking for cheap deals, but remain calm, people, stay inside your houses pant-less and remember the Internet. It’s gotten us this far and it’s provided everything from Facebook to fantasy football to midget porn.

I’m certain Amazon.com has a cyber special just perfect for you. I’d bet my yoga pants on it.

Contact Jeff Girod at finalword@ieweekly.com.