By Jeff Girod
Mark Wahlberg wants you to know Mark Wahlberg is tough. Mark Wahlberg is a Rambo-Terminator-Mr. T manwich, wrapped in a Steven Seagal quesadilla, slathered in Chuck Norris hot sauce.
Wahlberg told Men’s Journal that things would have been different on 9/11 if he had been aboard the American Airlines flight that crashed into the World Trade Center. “If I was on that plane with my kids,” Wahlberg said, “it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”
Since then, Mark has apologized publicly about 50 times—or one time for every IQ point.
In Mark’s defense, he’s a moron. He dropped out of school at age 14 and I can’t remember what I was learning in class at 14. I tried to talk to a 14-year-old once. It chased me down the street making pained, grunting noises until I threw rocks at it.
But when you say you single-handedly could have stopped a hijacking and landed a plane, potentially preventing 9/11, the deaths of 3,000 people and two wars? Nope. Nuh-uh. No takesies backsies.
I don’t care how many times you say, “I’m sorry.” You don’t get to magically make it go away with an “apology tour” of cozy TV morning shows while promoting some movie. You have to stew in your own idiot vomit stink pile for a while. (Or for as long as this column.)
First of all, Mark, you’re 5’8”, on a good day, in heels. You know who else is 5’8”? Me, in my fifth-grade soccer team photo. Mark, you couldn’t beat up the three starting full backs in 1980s nylon shorts for the AYSO River Bandits, let alone a planeload of armed al-Qaeda terrorists.
Oh and Mark, just because you once might’ve starred in a TV pilot, does not make you an actual pilot. That’s why the actual pilot gets a front-row seat while you get a child’s booster seat.
Here’s some interesting facts about Mark Robert Michael Wahlberg, courtesy of Wikipedia: Age 40, born in Boston; and also according to Wikipedia, Mark’s a crazy delusional leprechaun who thinks everything works like movie sets with cap guns, multiple takes and terrorist extras named Kenny who also barista at Starbucks. (I may have typed that last part into Wikipedia myself. But after Mark’s 9/11 comments, nobody’s rushing to change it. Also, I replaced his Wikipedia photo with a horse’s ass, but because Mark is so tiny, I had to use a Shetland pony.)
I guess we should all go to bed thanking Mark Wahlberg. (As if we don’t already.) Google image his face and keep an 8”x10” next to your bed. Any picture will do, because luckily Mark has looked like an 11-year-old since he was 7.
There’s no telling what atrocities might have befallen us without the constant vigilance of our guardian rapper-turned-actor angel. An asteroid colliding with Earth, the “Big One” in California, the end of the world in 2012: Mark Wahlberg has helped us avoid all of these. And I’m not even talking about actual disasters. I’m describing disastrous movies potentially starring Mark Wahlberg.
Fortunately, for the sake of humanity, Mark has realized his limited range as an actor—and as a human who has to blink and talk—and only stars in movies such as The Departed and The Fighter where actual actors such as Leonardo DiCaprio and Christian Bale deliver all of the meaningful, multisyllabic dialogue.
Do I fault Mark for saying he could have single-handedly thwarted 9/11, offending the memory of real heroes—husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sons and daughters? Yes, of course. Mark Wahlberg is a giant douche. (Or as big a douche as one can possibly be with doll feet and a 22-inch waist.)
But given the career trajectory of Mark’s life it’s no wonder he thinks he’s indestructible. He’s nothing short of miraculous. He was lead rapper of something called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Why shouldn’t he think he can change history?
Mark Wahlberg shouldn’t be getting interviewed by Men’s Journal. He should be sharing a doublewide trailer with MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice.
Contact Jeff Girod at firstname.lastname@example.org.